White Privilege Under Attack, Panic Sets In

A disillusioned Carmichael-Livingston, coming to grips with his crumbling hegemony.

UNITED STATES- As fewer white men hold positions of power and more statistics point to the increased role of minorities in the future of America, the long-standing foundation of white privilege appears to be in jeopardy.

These sudden realizations are terrifying white people across the country. Preston Carmichael-Livingston from Bethesda, Maryland is one of the many struggling to come to grips with the rapid descent of the entitlement of white people. “I just didn’t see this coming,” said Carmichael-Livingston. “I thought that we would get to decide when it all came to an end. We used to decide on everything: when racism was over, what women got to do with their bodies. Now? We’re left with nothing.”

The Six Athletes NU Students Hate Most

Number 6: Dan Persa’s Achilles

Despite giving us a truly wonderful twitter account to occasionally chuckle at, Dan Persa’s Achilles was public enemy number one for much of last year’s football season. It seemed completely determined to rob a defeated fanbase of happiness/the best player any of us had ever seen, and catching a glimpse of Persa walking around campus in a boot was reason enough to ruin any student’s day before fainting because holy shit you just saw Dan Persa.

Big Ten to add University of Oxford

The University of Oxford board of regents voted unanimously Monday to accept the Big Ten’s invitation to join as a member in all sports. The move will likely make the Fighting Commas the Big Ten’s 15th member, and reportedly came as a surprise to many in the industry.

Looks just like Ryan Field, amirite?!

Tainthead Student Corrects Professor on Origins of Babies

Students were left stunned by the photo of Hall’s birth

EVANSTON — Freshman student, Greg Hall of Chevy Chase, Maryland, brought a lecture on pre-natal development to an uncomfortable halt when he corrected renowned pediatrician and lecturer Dr. Hammond Kietz that children do not develop inside a uterus as he was suggesting.  Rather, Hall expounded with unshakable certainty that human infants developed inside dark enclosed spaces, such as wicker baskets, flowerpots, and from inside the folds of colorful backdrops.