Fraternity gives bid to freezer door through loophole in chill-to-pull grading system

EVANSTON, Ill.–In an embarrassing turn of events, a chapter within the Northwestern Greek life community—they have requested to remain anonymous—has admitted the door to a local freezer in an attempt to honor the age-old chill-to-pull system that has been a doctrine of fraternity culture since its invention in the early 20^th century.

The Northwestern Bucket List: A Beginner’s Guide

1. Skinny dip in Lake Michigan

Lake Michigan at Night…SpoOoOoOoOoOoky!!!!!

You know that scene in a lot of horror movies when the attractive and racially diverse group of rambunctious friends goes to a beach house or a remote cottage near a lake and the two who have the most sexual tension decide to go off alone and go skinny dipping?  And the girl maybe does a striptease and the guy maybe will say something like “you’ve got a killer body” and this is supposed to simultaneously showcase their sinful lust while foreshadowing the impending doom that they deserve as immoral sex-demons.  And then the swamp monster(s)/psycho nerd they once picked on/contrived Final Destination scenario eventually kills them, maybe while they’re playing a sexy game of Marco Polo or something?  Yeah, that totally won’t happen to you.