Tag Archives: masturbation

REPORT: You are a Complete and Utter Failure

27 Apr

Uncle_Sam_(pointing_finger)

NEW HAVEN, Conn.—A report from Yale’s School of Medicine published in the New England Journal of Medicine suggests that you, the reader, are a total failure and, quite frankly, an insult to the human race.

In a recent interview, head researcher Edward Feynberg made clear that the report is indeed referring to you, not to the person next to you or behind you. “Stop turning your head left and right, looking around like a damn buffoon,” he noted. “You look like an idiot.  We’re talking to you.”

“How does it make you feel, fuckface?” asked Feynberg. “I hope it makes you feel awful, because you’re a waste. You’re nothing. Remember how all you did in college was sit on your bed, picking your nose and flicking your boogers over to your roommate’s side of the room? Disgusting. God, you’re awful.”

“Why can’t you be more like your brother?” asked Vanessa Donovan, another researcher Continue reading

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The Best Places to Masturbate on Campus

13 Jan
SPLOOSH.

SPLOOSH.

Winter Quarter is upon us, fellow Wildcats, and with the temperature alternating daily between “Cold enough to cause penises everywhere to recede into body cavities” and “33 degrees,” odds are your roommates are gonna be spending a lot of time in the room. You know?

Obviously, the first thought that must strike you is “Yeah homie, this is seriously gonna hinder my ability to spank the monkey 15 times a day.” To which I would respond, Continue reading

Journalism Student Writes Article Defending Millennials While Vigorously Masturbating

5 Dec
Timothy, enjoying a chubby just thinking about the awareness raised by the #StopKony campaign.

Timothy, enjoying a chubby just thinking about the awareness raised by the #StopKony campaign.

EVANSTON, Ill. – While penning an opinion piece about why the generation of Americans aged 18-30 is in fact one of the hardest-working and most intelligent generations this country has ever seen, Northwestern student Timothy DeVaine (Medill, ’15) could not help but start tugging on his penis in a furious and fast-paced motion until he successfully reached orgasm.

Sources confirmed that DeVaine was not initially that excited as he typed the first paragraph of the piece on his Macbook Air, gifted to him by his parents in honor of his 3.4 cumulative GPA last year, a paragraph which read, “They’re self-absorbed.  They expect a reward for every little thing they do.  Continue reading

11 Pictures You Shouldn’t Fap To But Did Anyway

14 Jun

ME SO HORNY

So sad. Always has me reaching for the Kleenex.

Alas, poor Yorick. I blew him well.

Look at those eyes. She’s begging you for it.

He’ll make ME rise again.

“I never have to worry about teeth during blowjobs!”

What COULDN’T you do with all those holes?!

More cushion for the pushin! *chews lizard seductively*

Nothing sexier than a man with a vacuum.

Ye Olde Badonk

90% chance of flooding…in your panties

Cobra Lederham, Eleanor Kinkervoss, and Doctor Tattersail