What To Expect When You’re Not Expecting: A Guide to Surviving the Non-Apocalyptic World

And remember kids, bomb shelters can remain useful as sex dens and grow houses!

If you’re like me, you likely spent the better part of 2012 in eager anticipation of the coming Apocalypse. You restocked the bomb shelter, EMP-proofed your electronics, and talked at length about the end of the world with other True Believers—or really anyone at all. You also tasted some bitter disappointment when, once-again, the world refused end. Even allowing for slight error on the part of the Mayans, a new year has dawned and it seems it’s here to stay. What’s worse, no new apocalyptic visions have appeared to fill the gap left by 12/21/12. So what’s the average apocalypse chaser to do now that there are no more world-ending catastrophes looming on the horizon? In this short guide, I’ll give you some tips and tricks to reintegrate yourself into human society—at least until the next apocalypse gets announced.

Things You Should and Should Not Do Before The World Ends Tomorrow

Okay guys. It’s here. We’ve been anticipating its arrival for a while now, and there’s no way to avoid it.

The world is going to end tomorrow.

Now, there’s no need to panic.  This is our fate and it is unstoppable.  The Mayans predicted the world would end this way and wait maybe if they were so smart their whole goddamn empire wouldn’t have fallen they were apparently good at predicting things.  At this point, all we can do is make the most of our remaining eleven hours on this planet.

This might seem overwhelming.  “How should I spend my last half-day alive,” you might ask yourself, suggestively eyeing the bottle of KY Jelly you keep in your pantry.  Well fear not, you soon-to-be-dead reader.  Sherman Ave has got you covered with the essential shoulds and should-nots of your last day on Earth.

Let it Snow (Please, for the Love of God)

Dear Weather,

What the fuck is going on.

If you live in the Chicagoland area, or really anywhere in the eastern/central Midwest, you have probably noticed something very peculiar this December, something that doesn’t quite gel with how you’ve experienced the Decembers of yesteryear:  You’ve looked outside your window, and seen grass.  Un-blanketed, un-white grass.  Again: it is late December.  There should be snow.  Where the fuck is the snow.