Roommate Swears to Have Smoked with Chance The Rapper One Time

(via MTV)

EVANSTON, Il. – On Thursday night, shortly after Mayfest organizers announced that Chance The Rapper would be the daytime headliner at Dillo Day, your roommate excitedly declared that he met Chance at a party last summer. According to your roommate, the party was hosted by his high school buddy’s second-cousin at an apartment in the Southside of Chicago in late July.

Your roommate claims to have recognized the 20 year-old rapper immediately because he had been a fan of him “forever,” even before the release of his first mixtape, #10Day. Furthermore, your roommate “swears to fucking god” that he smoked a massive blunt with him outside and listened to him free-style rap.

When asked for comment, your roommate giddily recounted his life-defining experience:

Student Creates Spotify Playlist to Pretend to Like Chance The Rapper

EVANSTON, Il. —Following Mayfest’s announcement that Chance The Rapper will appear as the 2014 Dillo Day Daytime Headliner, Northwestern University junior Marc Dennis listened the top 4 Spotify search results for ‘chance rapper’, figuring this would allow him to pretend he liked Chance The Rapper.

Dennis, who skimmed the first half of each song in a new Spotify playlist titled “chance dillo”, is the rising Chicago-based hip hop artist’s self-proclaimed biggest fan.

“I’m so psyched he’s coming. I love all of his stuff,” reported Dennis enthusiastically about Chance The Rapper. “His new album is so sick,” continued Dennis, supposedly referring to the critically acclaimed mix-tape Acid Rap which was predominantly featured in the Spotify playlist.

Dennis, who could be seen mouthing the lyrics to, “Cocoa Butter Kisses,” while scrolling over the Rap Genius lyrics page for the song, reports that Chance is, “even better in concert.”

Dennis is apparently thrilled that Chance has been booked so far in advance, as he knew only the lyrics to the chorus “Black and Yellow” during Wiz Khalifa’s 2013 Dillo performance which was announced only days before the event.

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Mayfest Announces Rebecca Black, Female, As Dillo Day Headliner

EVANSTON, Il.—Mayfest spokesman announced early Friday morning that, as per Google Doc request, the Dillo Day headliner will be Rebecca Black, a female.

“After seeing a link to a Google Doc that read ‘BRING A FEMALE ARTIST TO DILLO DAY’ throughout our newsfeed,” Mayfest spokesman Connor Dart said, “we decided

Mayfest: And That’s Why You Always Leave A Note

“We cancelled Dillo because you left the door open with the air conditioning on.”

EVANSTON– Mayfest announced Friday morning that the group’s 18-month delay in announcing Dillo Day’s nighttime headliner was all part of an elaborate plan to teach Northwestern students to leave a note when necessary.

“Maybe next time you guys will leave a goddamn note to let us know whether we can holler about blowjobs,” Mayfest co-chair William Timmins-Claus said. “This whole debacle?

Mayfest to Students: “June Fool’s!”

No comment

EVANSTON – Representatives from Mayfest have announced that there is in fact no headliner for this year’s Dillo Day. The student group’s explanation, detailed in a statement released this morning, admitted that the Dillo headliner was all part of a “June Fool’s” prank.

“Haha! We totally got you!  Suckers!” Mayfest posted this evening on their official webpage.  “This was totally planned the whole time, duh!  We got you guys goooooooooood.”

An Open Letter from Evanston to NU Students on Dillo Day

What I do have are a very particular set of skills; skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you.

Dear Asshats,

As you’re no doubt aware, and we know you’re no doubt aware because you’ve been counting down every frickin’ minute since last June, Northwestern’s Mayfest is at the end of this week. Dildo day or whatever the eff. Haha Dildo. See what I did there? Said a dirty word. High five, Carl.

Now I know that you think this is the one day of the year where there’s an understanding between us and… you people… regarding the consumption of the devil’s water and the shouting of the word ‘blowjob.’ Like somehow we’ll be ok with you crossing Sheridan Road into out territory.

We’ve killed people for less.

Dillo Day In 15 GIFs

8:00am, alarm clock goes off. You’ve been sitting awake in bed for half an hour waiting. It’s go time:

SHAPE to Give Presentation on How To Not Give Forced Blowjob to Danny Brown

We all know exactly what this face means.

EVANSTON – In response to Mayfest bringing rapper Danny Brown to Dillo Day, Sexual Health and Peer Educators announced today that they are offering a 45-minute presentation the preceding day to discourage students from jumping on stage and shoving Danny Brown’s dick in their mouths without his explicit consent.