Sherman Ave sat down with each of the 2013 Homecoming Court nominees for wide-ranging discussions in order to better prepare NU students for the most important election of the next 15 days. Voting for Homecoming King and Queen begins soon!
Evander Jones: Just to start things off with, some people say that Homecoming Court is a meaningless popularity contest that doesn’t accurately reflect the student body. I don’t have a question here, I just wanted to inform you that there may be dissent among your potential subjects.
Gaurav Kikani: Sure, thanks. I really appreciate that.
Evander: Now that we got that out of the way, if you were elected would you rule the Homecoming Court like John Roberts on the Supreme Court, or LeBron James on the Homecoming Court?
Gaurav: I’d probably be Roberts on the Supreme Court. You know, LeBron is kind of a beast, but he’s a bit of a diva, and I don’t see myself as much of a diva as he is.
Evander: Who would you say has had the biggest influence on your life in the past 14 minutes?
Gaurav: You.
Evander: I’m so sorry.
Gaurav: You know, absolutely. The warmth of your body right now on this crisp Fall day is really warming me up. I can take off this jacket right now, actually, if you’d like. We need more of you around.
Part 1 of A Wildly Inaccurate Biography of Mayor Elizabeth Tisdahl
In the summer of 1962, a young man named Willie walks out of a liquor store carrying two cases of Bud Light and a handle of Congress vodka. He struggles under the weight of his purchases, lumbering uneasily toward a purple and white Chevy Impala parked 30 feet from the clear glass doors.
After depositing his booze in the trunk, being sure to bring five cans of beer up to the front seat with him, he slides the key into the ignition. The engine sputters for a moment and then roars to life. Willie wastes no time in speeding out into the cool night air, shotgunning a can of beer all the while.
The Sherman Ave Editors Ross Packingham and Sir Edward Twattingworth III sat down with Professor Gary Saul Morson for an interview. It was in Cosi. Everyone had fun.
He doesn’t care, he loves it.
Twattingworth: Where are you from?
Morson: New York.
Twattingworth: Oh. I think it was Pushkin who called New York the “concrete jungle where dreams are made of.”
Morson: Oh come on.
Twattingworth: Is that an accurate description of your hometown?
Morson: Pushkin never said any such thing.
Packingham: It was either Pushkin or Jay-Z. I understand you went to Yale?
Morson: I did.
Packingham: Is it weird being an alumnus of an institution that most of your students wanted to attend but weren’t smart enough? Continue reading
HOLY FUCK LOOK AT THAT FUCKING STORM
Following the announcement that Northwestern has cancelled class due to inclement weather, the NOAA has released another statement that “hell hath frozen over, and the end is clearly nigh.”
“Call your mom and remind her you love her one last time, because she’s probably going to heaven, and you’re definitely not,” advised NOAA spokesperson Noah DiRiccio. “The University cancelled classes an hour ago, so by my calculations, you should start drinking ASAP so you’re nice and anesthetized by the time the Four Horsemen get here.”
Minnesota native and SESP junior Michael Ervin was confused. “But the severe weather already happened, right? You guys consider ‘above sixty’ to be extreme here, dontcha?”
Witnesses report that Evanston Mayor Elizabeth Tisdahl displayed an uncharacteristic amount of excitement upon receiving news of the world’s impending doom.
“You mean the university will be destroyed??” she said, allegedly making a facial expression.
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Stay safe, everyone.
The Sherman Ave Editors (Evander Jones, Ross Packingham and Sir Edward Twattingworth III) sat down with Northwestern University President Morty Schapiro for an interview. Why he agreed to let us do this, we may never know, but we sure are happy he did.
“I’m allergic to cats.”
Packingham: If you could make a drink called “The Morty,” what would it entail?
Morty: Oh man. Like an alcoholic drink?
Twattingworth: Wow, interesting that your mind went there.
Morty: Yeah… Well, you know when I drink, like last night–this is really exciting–but one-third orange juice, two-thirds Perrier.
Packingham: Perrier? Is that vodka? Or rum?
Morty: And they have to give me this much wine so I can hold it to pretend I’ll drink it, but I’m not a wine drinker. I like beer when I have Asian food. I like Thai beer, or Japanese beer or something.
Packingham: Like a Budweiser?
Morty: I don’t think I’ve ever had one of those. So I’m not big on like American Continue reading
EVANSTON—Mayor Elizabeth Tisdahl verified claims this morning that she surrendered her 44-year-old daughter (Kathy E. Tisdahl) to Chicchan, the Mayan rain deity last night “in the heat of the moment.” Tisdahl was spotted in a frog-like squat, crouched on the top of Northwestern’s Rebecca Crowne Clock Tower at twilight. She performed the sacrifice at the stroke of midnight, reportedly in opposition to NU’s upcoming annual Dillo Day festival.
Tisdahl would not confirm reports that she had attempted to sink the Lakefill.
“It was worth it,” Tisdahl declared as a mass of foam discharged from her mouth. “I literally couldn’t think of a better way to spend my night.” Continue reading
Is it true that Morty once took Margaret Thatcher to a nice dinner and never called her back?
Because 33 things that go through the mind of every Northwestern student (almost) every day just wasn’t enough.
1) OF ALL THE GIN JOINTS IN ALL THE WORLD WHY DID TISDAHL HAVE TO SHUT DOWN MINE.
2) No but it’s fine The Keg wasn’t that great I’ll just go somewhere else in Evanston OH MY GOD THERE IS NO WHERE ELSE.
3) TIIIIIISSSSSSSDAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL
4) It’s April. Why the fuck do I need to wear a Northface in April.
5) If BK was a McDonalds I would be broke and fat.
Sherman Ave 