Rob Ford Knocking Over an Old Woman vs. Rob Ford Walking into Camera: An Analysis

When a mayor admits to crack use and is subsequently stripped of his powers, Sherman Ave admires in sheer awe. That’s why we’ve followed the steady descent of Toronto Mayor Elizabeth Tisdahl’s Rob Ford’s political career into profound heinousness with a tip of the hat and a wink of approval. To determine his progress, we’ve compared two of Ford’s physical blunders over the past six months in a competition which will now universally be known as “Rob Ford Encounters People/Things in his Path.” Here are the two contestants:

NAMBLA Applauds CPS’s Achievement in Screwing Kids

CHICAGO-Pandemonium reigned today when a meeting between Chicago Mayor Rahm Emanuel and officials from Chicago Public Schools was interrupted by a group of supporters from the National Man Boy Love Association (NAMBLA).

“Yeah!” The assembled 37 ‘Lovers of Young Men’ shouted. “Give it to those kids!”

The NAMBLAites reported that they were at the meeting to express their support for the Mayor’s decision to recently close 50 Chicago schools. Local Chicago NAMBLA spokesman Joseph Fridbaker stated: “I’ve never seen anybody fuck so many kids at once. I mean, we’re talking thousands. It really is a remarkable achievement.”

Mayoral Sexting Scandal Strikes Evanston

Evanston, IL–In a shocking turn of events, embedded Sherman Ave reporters have recently uncovered that the mayor of the City of Evanston, Elizabeth Gertrude Tisdahl, has been involved in a tawdry sexting scandal with some of Evanston’s most elite and respected community members. And while much has yet to be discovered, the Pacemaker-nominated researchers at Sherman Ave have been able to access transcripts of several of the exchanges (below).

Disclaimer: The following information is not safe for work. Please proceed with caution.

Morty Sings Justin Timberlake (feat. Elizabeth Tisdahl)

Take it to the briiiiidge

In an unprecedented demonstration of town-gown unity, Northwestern president Morton Schapiro and Evanston mayor Elizabeth Tisdahl have teamed up to bring sexy back.

The collaboration marks the second song featuring Tisdahl, a.k.a. “Lizzy T,” to be released in a month. Her first release of April was a dis-track collaboration with First Ward Alderman Judy Fiske, entitled “Tivalick My Balls.”

Go ahead, be gone with it.

10 controversial Chicago Teachers Union demands

After running out of sign ideas by day three, most teachers are just going with ‘#GetFuckedRahm’

As the Chicago Teachers Union strike heads into its fourth day, many are wonderingwhat contractual disputes have shut down a public school system that strives to educate nearly 350,000 students. Although the union has won support for representing one of the most dedicated and committed labor forces in the world, several of the Chicago Teachers Union’s contract demands have stirred controversy in the national debate brewing around public education and public-sector unions. Here are the top 10:

10. New evaluation system
By all accounts, the Chicago Public School System’s current evaluation system is more outdated than the GOP platform. The Chicago Teachers Union has called for a modernized system that takes into account more relevant factors to gauge teacher performance, like yearbook signings, average fights broken up, and creepy crushes developed by students.

9. Thurmond-esque job security
In retrospect, naming this demand after 48-year United States Senator and notorious d-bag wasn’t a great PR move. Neither was touting Senator Thurmond as a symbol of the benefits of tenure, or quoting Thurmond by declaring, “All the laws in Chicago and all the bayonets of the Army cannot force merit pay into our schools.” Other proposed alterations to the tenure system include Survivor-like immunity challenges and something ominously referred to as the “philosopher’s stone.”

8. End of daily gym classes
To be fair, Union President Karen Lewis is one of the larger proponents of this contractual demand.

7. Mandatory anti-bullying initiative for Mayor Rahm Emanuel
The social learning initiative seeks to take a multi-pronged interdisciplinary approach to help Mayor Emanuel create a more positive learning and work environment. Through work with peers and one-on-one sessions with social workers, the program will help Rahm realize how his aggressive behavior and forceful coercion of others has become habitual and reliant on an imbalance of power. Topics will include “F**k You: Verbal harassment in the workplace,” “Mean Girls: Or how to work with NOW,” and “The Chief of Police and You: An exploration of social and physical power in modern Chicago.”

6. Van Halen’s “Hot for Teacher” to play throughout passing periods
This component of the CTU’s contract demands has received widespread support, with the notable exception of 6-8 grade teachers, who object that it’s just a little “too real” sometimes.

What do we want? To piss off Rahm!

5. Can’t we just show them the movie version of The Great Gatsby instead?
“I mean, seriously,” said CTU Vice President Jesse Sharkey, “We’ve got enough on our hands as it is, struggling to educate students while trying to keep the fact that our best solution to end school violence is to make all students wear clear backpacks for Christsakes.” Added Sharkey, “It’s not like there’s anything in the book that the Redford/Farrow 1974 classic misses. And just wait until Baz Luhrmann works his magic on it!”

4. End to the city’s slashing of funding for arts, music, theater, sports, clubs, mathematics, textbooks, pens, and even those tiny fucking desks that are built into the goddamn chair and creak like holy hell every time they’re moved a goddamn inch
The Chicago Teachers Union has made the bold claim that the city’s lack of investment in extracurricular activities, school supplies, or really anything at all within the CPS has hampered teachers’ ability to effectively educate students.

3. For that one stinky kid to just take a shower
“Oh for the love of God,” exclaimed President Lewis, “Does he, like, even know how to shower? Do his parents not smell him in the morning and refuse to drive him to school until he learns how to use soap? Dear lord, just last week I had to work with the stinky kid on a project and I nearly blacked out, the smell was so bad. It smells like a combination of the Chicago River, baloney that’s been sitting out for three weeks, Mike Ditka’s farts, and Satan. Teachers have a hard enough time as it is. Having to breathe through your nose for an entire class period just makes this job that much more difficult.”

2. A first round pick, two third round picks, a point guard, cash considerations, and a player to be named later
Although the teachers union admits that it is in the midst of a rebuilding phase, the teachers are hoping to woo a marquee low-post player like Dwight Howard or Chris Bosh to make a deep run in the race to the top.

1. Some well-deserved and long-overdue recognition for an under-appreciated and excruciatingly difficult job
Oh wait, that’s the NFL Referee Union’s main contractual demand. My bad.

For in-depth analysis of Chicago labor relations and how LOTR compares to WWII, like our facebook page and follow us on twitter and then find a loved one to hold and tell them you love them.

Love a Random State: Ohio

I may be a tad bit biased, but Ohio is a pretty badass state. We fuck up pretty much every Presidential Election. We can’t make decisions on anything from street cars to abortion. We are some waffling motherfuckers, and I’m not talking about McGriddles. Besides being a political asshole, here are some other reasons you should bow down and worship my state of conception/birth/childhood.

The beautiful metropolis of Cleveland

1. Ohio is the 7th largest state by population.
Cincinnati is the 61st largest city in the nation by population.* Being mediocrely medium-sized takes all the pressure off being big. We may not have the hustle and bustle of New York or the flotsam and jetsam of Chicago, but we sure do have a lot of wide open spaces and corn. This makes for some great middle school field trips, like visiting an Amish farm and learning how to properly milk a cow or taking a spin on a tea-cup-death-trap-vomit-inducing ride while eating a stick of deep-fried butter at the local carnival.

2. Subpar athletics.
I may not be an expert when it comes to sports. I didn’t vehemently protest the NBA lockout, I do not worship Tebow born from the Virgin Mother, nor do I have any vague inkling as to what Royal Shrovetide Football is really all about. However, I do know one thing: If the Cincinnati Bengals were running in the Republican primaries, they would rank somewhere above Michelle Bachmann and somewhat below Stephen Colbert. They may suck at football and politics, but the Bengals have quite a record off the field. Since 2000, the team has a combined criminal record of 30 arrests, 8 DUIs, and 1 charge of “boating under the influence.”** I’m not really sure how this makes Ohio awesomely badass, but it does.

3. Larger than life Presidents.
We produced President William Howard Taft, the man who couldn’t fit in a normal bathtub. In fact, a bathtub fit for four men was installed in the White House just for him. I bet VP James Sherman had a pretty good time in there, seeing as he was a normal sized man. (That leaves room for three more people, for those of you who are still in Math 110).

O-hi-OH!!!!

4. Ohio is beautiful.
OK, maybe just Halle Berry is. Halle Berry was Miss Ohio 1986. At 19, Halle managed to lock down a state title and first runner-up for the Miss USA pageant. Pretty badass, Ms. Berry.

5. Badass motherfuckers in office.
Jerry Springer, host of The Jerry Springer Show, served on Cincinnati’s city council for three years, before resigning when Jerry’s favorite hang-out was revealed: a Kentucky “massage parlor.”*** But it only gets better: he paid his “masseuse” with a city check. It doesn’t get much classier than that. He was then elected the mayor of Cincinnati from 1977-1978. We obviously know how to choose effective leaders.

6. In Ohio, it is illegal to get a fish drunk.****
Need I say more?

7. Where art thou, Ohio?
There actually aren’t many NU students from Ohio. There should certainly be more Amish, chili-loving, politically frustrated, Midwesterners up in Northwestern’s business. However, this makes for some great feedback. Apparently, Californians have no fucking clue where Ohio is. My roommate thought it was near Iowa and her friend could swear she thought it was south of Illinois. I guess they don’t teach Geography in the Bay Area. As a loyal Ohioan and a college student with half my brain still intact despite raging alcoholism and mind numbing, drug-induced Sporcle competitions, I know exactly where Ohio is: right between New Mexico and Arizona. Right?

8. Home of Skyline Chili.
Although none of you Northside Prep trust-fund babies or LTHS fanboys have heard of Skyline, enlighten yourselves. Cincinnati’s definition of chili: chocolate (yes, chocolate) ground beef soup poured over spaghetti noodles and topped with neon yellow, synthesized, shredded cheddar cheese. Mouth-o-meter: fucking delicious.

9. Hipsterz.
Searching for the inner-sanctum of hipsterism? Look no further. Clifton, a small neighborhood on the outskirts of downtown Cincinnati, is a hub of culture and excitement. 98% of Clifton residents are Democrat, making us some badass, Obama loving hippies. 98% of us also love Indian food. Why? There are 7 locally owned Indian restaurants in Clifton. Step outside my house and take a good whiff of Saag Paneer and Chicken Curry. Yum. You can always find a homeless town troubadour belting out his love life with the aid of his trusty accordion. Besides musicians, we are also home to many other badass personalities, such as the mysterious bag man who, although he appears to be homeless, goes to the grocery store every day and picks up 3 lemons, a loaf of bread, and a bag of kitty litter. Meth lab, anyone? There is also the penguin man who yells at cars going over 25, the local business owners who all seem to be tangled in a Romeo and Juliet-esque love affair, and my personal favorite, the middle school drug dealers who hang out at the shelter in Burnet Woods after school. (Whoops, did I just blow your cover?)

Take a trip back in time

10. We have one of the largest Amish populations in the country.
Amish people are badass. Love the Amish, and eat their chicken; it’s free-range!

Needless to say, Ohio is a badass state. If this article has convinced you to pack up your Illinois life (or wherever the fuck you’re from) and move to Ohio, call my step dad. He’s a realtor.

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*Sporcle. Yeah, I did it. I used Sporcle as a source. Try to censor that, PIPA.
**NKY Sports World
***Massage parlor = brothel
****Twitter

I For One Welcome Our New Overlord Rahm Emanuel

Rahm Emanuel’s campaign for mayor of the city of Chicago has been brought back from the brink of destruction by seven old people in Springfield, IL. This trumps the decision made by three other old people, who had ruled that the Chicago politician was ineligible to run due to Chicago residency requirements.

The unanimous 7-0 vote surprises exactly no one. The more interesting aspect of this story is the judicial bitch-fight which played out in the Supreme Court’s opinion write-up.

Thus, our review of the appellate court’s decision in this case begins not where it should, with an assessment of whether the court accurately applied established Illinois law to the particular facts, but with an assessment of whether the appellate court was justified in tossing out 150 years of settled residency law in favor of its own preferred standard. We emphatically hold that it was not.

Damn. The analysis goes on to state the basis for the Supreme Court’s decision and takes a few subtle and not-so-subtle shots at the original appellate court.

Of course, the appellate court did not see the statutory question this way. But its reasons for departing from over 100 years of settled residency law are hardly compelling and deserve only brief attention.

The Illinois Supreme Court found the appellate court’s decision to be a flippant and vague application of imaginary statutes. Let’s recap:

Appellate Court: We can’t let you do that Rahm!
Rahm: LOL. What say you, Supreme Court?
Supreme Court: Bitch please. What are they smoking? LOL.

And thus, Rahm Emanuel was made mayor of Chicago. Democracy.

[SUN-TIMES] Pic via: [FACEBOOK]