The 2014 Oscars: Who Will Win and Who Should Win

Best Picture:

• Who Will Win: 12 Years A Slave

• Why: Guiiiiilt trip.

• Who Should Win: Jackass Presents: Bad Grandpa

• Why: This breathtaking adventure flick digs deep into issues surrounding age, vitality, and societal expectations of the elderly. With gritty performances from its ensemble cast, Bad Grandpa was basically “Nebraska,” “The Wolf Of Wall Street” and “American Hustle” all rolled into one whirlwind ride that critics described as “a movie,” “the next installment in the popular Jackass series,” and “R-rated.”

Best Director:

• Who Will Win: Alfonso Cuaron, Gravity

• Why: Consider this a make up prize for when his work on Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban was snubbed.

• Who Should Win:

12 Realistic Oscar Predictions for This Year

It’s Oscar season, and every person who’s ever seen a movie thinks they know what’s up when it comes to predicting the winners. Alas, sometimes what seems like the obvious choice doesn’t end up with the coveted golden statue that every immodest asshole has to complain is “so heavy”.

But don’t fret if your Oscar Prediction Ballot is full of disappointment. There are some things that we can all accurately predict about the Oscars. I’ve decided to share with you a few things you can realistically bet on during this year’s Academy Awards Show to diffuse some anxiety.

1. Ellen will dance. Probably a lot.  Because that’s what she does. She makes jokes and dances and invites talented children from YouTube to appear on her show.

2. Jennifer Lawrence will do something adorable and everyone on every social media platform will talk about how much they love her and maybe even talk to each other in real life about it because she is that adorable.

11 Shocking Celebrity Deaths of 2014 (WITH PICTURES!!!)

James Franco

The result of a horrible misunderstanding, James Franco lost his life on March 1st during his most recent experimental art piece: The Death of James Franco. Though Franco anticipated that his public autoerotic asphyxiation wouldn’t result in actual death, stating that “art cannot die,” the enigmatic actor lost consciousness and subsequently his life in the “performance.”

James Franco’s Last Art Piece. No, really.

Leona Lewis

Answering the age-old riddle, “If a pop star who doesn’t twerk dies of something that isn’t a drug overdose, does it make a sound?” Leona Lewis was discovered in her apartment seven weeks after her death on October 7, 2014 (cause unknown). Sources reported, “Oh. Leona Lewis. She was a singer right? Is she the one from that ‘Put Your Records On’ song?”

2013: Net Gain or Net Loss? A Quantitative Review

These days, everything seems to have some sort of measurement system. We have heights and weights, salaries and rankings, Klout scores, GPAs, BACs — it seems like everything must be put into numeric terms. Accordingly, we’ve put together a comprehensive review of 2013, scored with our proprietary scoring system. Every significant event of 2013 will be judged on a scale of -5 to +5. A score of -5 means the event made the world a much worse place, and a score of +5 means the event made the world a much better place. Let’s take a look back at 2013 and see where our world lies after the year’s events.