These days, everything seems to have some sort of measurement system. We have heights and weights, salaries and rankings, Klout scores, GPAs, BACs — it seems like everything must be put into numeric terms. Accordingly, we’ve put together a comprehensive review of 2013, scored with our proprietary scoring system. Every significant event of 2013 will be judged on a scale of -5 to +5. A score of -5 means the event made the world a much worse place, and a score of +5 means the event made the world a much better place. Let’s take a look back at 2013 and see where our world lies after the year’s events. Continue reading
2013: Net Gain or Net Loss? A Quantitative Review
31 DecJack White sues Miami Heat fans to never chant “Seven Nation Army” again
19 NovMiami, Fla.–The most recent celebrity case to hit the courts comes from Jack White, who is as much of one half of the White Stripes as Dwayne Wade and Chris Bosh were equal parts of the Big 3. The creator of the song “Seven Nation Army” has come out publicly stating that the city of Miami is to cease and desist from chanting his song lest they be sued for a reported figure of $1.2 billion dollars.
Rose Returns, D Rises
30 OctCHICAGO–After nearly 15 months of intense rehabilitation and sitting on the sidelines, Derrick Rose has made his return to the NBA. Despite a lukewarm 4-for-15 12-point performance last night against the defending champion Miami Heat, the Chicago Bull’s most beloved athlete looks better than ever after leading the Bulls to an undefeated 8-0 record in the preseason.
Predicting the NBA Season In Haikus
29 OctWith the new NBA season up us, and as the most trusted name in expert professional basketball analysis and predictions on the Web today, we decided to give you a heads up about how this season will go. Check out how the conference standings will look come May, alongside some expertly crafted haikus because of course. Continue reading
Millions Hoping for Hard-Working Citizen to Fall Short of His Goals
18 Jun
This douche.
Miami, FL. – As the end of Game Six of the NBA Finals nears, millions of U.S. citizens pray for a man who has spent his entire life working towards one goal to fall short of that goal.
“I hope he has to sit there and watch everyone celebrate as his dreams crumble before his eyes,” several thousand people insisted.
As the man who spent almost every minute of his life thinking about and working towards his goal slowly watches hope slip away, people across the world could not be more pleased. Continue reading
An Evening With George Saunders
7 MayYesterday, Northwestern University’s Contemporary Thought Speaker Series brought best-selling author George Saunders to campus to close out its three-speaker series on the value of a university education in the 21st century.[1]
The Contemporary Thought Speaker Series—known by a very select few as the “intellectual equivalent of Dillo Day,” and by slightly more as “Nerdfest 2K13”—managed to bring out Northwestern’s cardigan-clad intelligentsia from the darkest depths of Unicorn Café to hear the rising literary rock star speak his mind on the moral responsibilities of an educated student. A full Harris Hall gazed intently at two spindly chairs positioned uncomfortably close together on the Harris Hall stage for the writer to bestow his intellectual heft upon us all.