Team-by-team Predictions for the NFL in 2014

We all know how this season’s Super Bowl will go down. Bill Belichick, after using his rarely-confirmed-but-widely-assumed necromancy powers to revive Rob Gronkowski’s knee (and also hiring Nancy Kerrigan’s boyfriend to demolish Peyton Manning’s knee), will lead his team of diabolic henchmen to yet another Super Bowl appearance. Combining his black magic prowess with a well-used and peculiar gravitational phenomenon that occurs around Giselle Bundchen’s breasttaking breaths — did I get that right? — the Patriots will win the Super Bowl by 30 or 40 points over the opposing team, who could be basically anyone but the Eagles.

In the off-season and beyond, however, the picture is less clear. To help guide you through what should be a fascinating year in the NFL, here are our predictions for 2014.

9 Great Halloween Costumes That Don’t Require Blackface

It happens every year. You’ve got an awesome Halloween costume picked out, you’re super excited to impress all your friends, and then suddenly, your newsfeed is shaken by a series of outraged posts about people dressing up in “blackface” for Halloween, and you realize (to your great chagrin) that your costume includes blackface, too. Don’t worry, we’ve all been there!

If Every NFL Quarterback Were a Star Wars Character

Epic duels, shootings in nightclubs, billions of dollars in production values, and the omnipresence of a sinister overlord who everyone agrees is a total queef sampler. The National Football League and Star Wars are more similar than meets the eye (Fuck off, Transformers). And since Roger Goodell and George Lucas are  both in the running for the title of World’s Biggest Asshat Who Ruins Everything and Cares Not for the Suffering of Concussed People (well, we nominate them if not), it’s hard not to notice other similarities in their respective beloved, addictive, trillion-dollar monstrosities.

Drama comes down to characters, and the NFL and Star Wars have both in spades (even if the drama of Star Wars mostly consists of the nebulous wet dreams of a prepubescent boy obsessed with trade negotiations and throbbing, glowing swords). And while both universes feature thousands upon thousands of characters, we viewers really only give a shit about a few of them. So, to keep things simple, we’ve taken a look just at current NFL quarterbacks to see who their Star Wars counterparts are. The results represent a disturbance in the Force, which is to say that Brady is dropping a Dooku right now and Peyton is playing like a young Jedi Master despite his frail old body and green skin. Enjoy.

Vanderbilt Maintains Controversial “Baby Seal Clubbing” Program

NASHVILLE — In the face of a turbulent controversy that is enveloping the school, Vanderbilt University has affirmed its commitment to the football program’s divisive “Baby Seal Clubbing” program.

A baby seal struggles in vain to escape from Jordan Matthews.

“Brutally pummeling adorable marine mammals is a proud tradition of our University’s vaunted football heritage,” read University Chancellor Nicholas Zeppos from a prepared statement, delivered at the steps of Kirkland Hall littered with bruised and beaten pinnipeds. “The physical and psychological abuse of these darling baby seals has been, and forever will be, an essential tenet at the core of what Vandy football is all about.”

Chancellor Zeppos’ comments arrived a day after a massive popular uprising against the program’s senseless and cruel beatings brought national attention to the Vanderbilt Commodore’s systematic perpetuation of violence against defenseless seal pups.

Vandy’s heinous acts have been condemned by a growing grassroots movement, coupled with support from celebrities like Michael Vick, the Dalai Lama, and Seal. The Democratic National Convention even kicked things off Thursday with a 5-minute montage of Senator Ted Kennedy’s speeches denouncing the practice of baby seal clubbing.

Although Vanderbilt head football coach James Franklin admitted, “Our football program has repeatedly abused scores of heartbreakingly cute baby seals to achieve excruciatingly limited success throughout our storied 124-381 all-time record in conference play,” the coach also cited scientific research concluding that, “If it’s a legitimate clubbing, the baby seal body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down.”

The coach then promptly dropped a 500-pound golden anchor on a still-writhing seal pup, jubilantly shouting “Anchor Down, motherfuckers!” as he walked away.

Coach Franklin celebrating Club a Baby Seal Day

Executive Committee Chair of the NCAA, Ed Ray, opened his investigation into the matter this morning. “Personally, I am horrified by the actions of the Vanderbilt University Football Program and its reckless and callous disregard of these freaking delightful baby seals. It has become obvious that the leadership failures at Vanderbilt over an extended period of time directly violated NCAA bylaws relating to integrity, ethical conduct, and the clubbing of baby seals,” said Mr. Ray.

“After considering all possible measures to address Vanderbilt’s reprehensible baby seal clubbing and ensure that the University rebuilds an athletic culture that went horribly awry,” continued Ray, “We finally realized that there was no possible means with which we could punish Commodore football in a way that would make them suck any more than they do now. Watching them get mercilessly rolled by Northwestern this Saturday seemed fitting enough.”

Reactions on Vanderbilt’s campus have been muted so far, although to be fair it’s hard to hear anything on campus beyond Toby Keith and self-delusion.

CLICK HERE to sign the petition to end the Vanderbilt University Football Program’s clubbing of baby seals.