The Top 16 Biggest Reasons

1. Because that stock photo is not going to write a clever caption for itself.

2. Because cancer is not something you can joke about.

3. Because Ice Cube’s feature film Are We There Yet? (2005) is this generation’s seminal social commentary, setting an example for future discussions on the ramifications of divorce for young children as well as discussions on American race relations, using its title to pose the rhetorical question of whether we have reached, or perhaps if we shall ever reach, a post-racial America.

Sparks Fly at Obama-Romney Post-Election Get-Together: A Running Diary

This past Thursday, November 29, the two former presidential candidates enjoyed a private lunch at the White House. While the doors were closed to all press, Sherman-Ave’s junior political correspondent Richard Wang was able to get all the details.

I’m going to take a pillowcase and fill it full of bars of soap and beat the shit out of you!

10:45 am: The president and wife Michelle await their company at the White House. President Obama informs Michelle that he doesn’t want Mitt to come over because he is weird, smells bad, and doesn’t like basketball. Michelle states that she does not know what has gotten into Barack today. He will have fun, and he will tolerate Mitt for one day. Furthermore, Michelle declares that she does not want to hear another word about it, Mister.

Why I’m Voting for Obama: Five Haikus

I’d give him the head of state.

I’m no political scientist. I have never peered over the edge of the fiscal cliff; my knowledge of U.S. foreign policy in Afghanistan is hazier than the only night I’ve ever been to the Deuce; and I picture the inner workings of the White House as strikingly similar to the Department of Mysteries in Harry Potter.

I am, however, a sucker for cool people doing cool shit. So SUCK IT, political ideologues – this election day, I’m gonna vote for Obama because he is both a PILF and the epitome of badass. Never mind that I believe in his straightforward adherence to old-fashioned democratic ideals – as in, equality in everything from universal health care  and marriage to freedom of choice – or his defense of national parks, or the respect he commands internationally. That shit pales in comparison to his killer dirt-off-your-shoulder. The Obamas, ESPECIALLY Barack, are rad. Just like, super cool. Honestly, even if Obama was all, “Let’s just put Sasha and Malia and the dog in charge while I go surfing in Honolulu and smoke some weed,” I’d vote for him anyway. A cool president is worth a million jobs in the manufacturing sector.

You know what else is worth a million jobs in the manufacturing sector? Amateur poetry. And everyone knows that the best form of amateur poetry comes in snack-size haikus – traditional short-form Japanese poems that follow a 5-7-5 syllabic pattern. So without further ado, I present an artistic homage to my favorite prez’ campaign in a manner that’s about as political as a toy poodle.

On Michelle’s super-toned arms
Graceful, burnished, buff
Those arms could lift our nation.
Can I vote for them?

On Barack’s Rad Music Taste
Let’s contrast your tunes
– Kanye, Bruce, Aretha – Mitt’s:
Toby Fucking Keith.

On the fact that he has a puppy named in accordance with said music taste:
You’re the First Dog, the
Second Bo, the third chillest
White House resident.

On Weapons of Choice
In a real battle,
Your horses and bayonets
Would smash Mitt’s Big Bird.

On the book he wrote/dedicated to his daughters WHILE BEING A PRESIDENT
You wrote a FUCKING
KID’S BOOK about national
Heroes. Marriage me, plz.

Now that you’ve learned a little more about America’s favorite chiller firsthand – and gotten a little lesson in poetic brilliance along the way – I challenge you to come up with a haiku of your own about Mr. Barack! Challenge yourself and make it politically relevant. Better yet, make it dope.

Rock out with ur barack out,
Gwyneth

A Thorough and 100% Factually* Accurate Summary of Last Night’s Debate

Toooootally Mitt’s O face.

Obama: “I love you Michelle, here’s to 4 more years uhhh I mean 20!”

Romney: “We need to crack down (say crack again) on cheating China and become energy independent can I have a cookie now”

Obama: “Education is important. The children are our future. I believe in America. 4 more years!”

Lehrer: [looks dead]

Romney: “I’m crushing the middle class I mean you crushed the middle class I mean I have a crush on Mandy Moore wait but I definitely like coal that I know. That’s all I’ve gotten for Christmas the past 10 years I must love it!”

Obama: “Here’s why I’m right and you’re wrong”

Romney: “My children are liars I don’t trust them just like how I don’t trust black peopl- oh. Barack. Well. This is…”

Obama: “I know Donald Trump doesn’t think he has a small anything” (took us 20 minutes to get to the first dick joke. Notbad.jpg)

Lehrer: “Ok, I-”

Romney: “DID I SAY YOU COULD TALK YET?!”

Lehrer: [heart attack]

Romney: “Now in regards to the federal deficit, I will slash funding everywhere like how I slashed your heart, Jim. PBS? SLASHED. Big Bird? Nice dude, but SLASHED. Prices on couches from Big Bob’s Warehouse? SLASHED wait”

Obama: “This is all the republicans’ fault. We had two wars that were paid for on a credit card but before the civil rights movement black people like myself couldn’t even get a credit card look how far we’ve come OBAMA 2012 HOPE CHANGE AND LUV.”

Lehrer: “Should we talk about medicare because I’m old as shit and will probably die any minute so-”

Romney: “STOP TALKING JIM MITT WANT SPEAK. I don’t want to slash funding for medicare oddly enough, so young people, you will be getting your social security cards in the mail next week along with a year’s supply of Just For Men (offer does not apply to women or their slutty vaginas).”

Obama: “Can I just talk about my dead Grandma for a second here? Not trying to make you cry and have the feels and then vote for me but hey if that works then 4 MORE YEARS can I go home and have sexy times with my wife yet?”

Lehrer: “I think there’s a very clear difference between you two and now everyone know’s I’m racist oh well YOLO” [dies]

Obama: “Insurance companies can jerk us around” (I can’t believe it took us nearly an hour to get to the first masturbation joke! Disappointed in you guys)

Replacement ref moderator: How do u feel about skoolz?

Romney: “I like the way we did it in Massachusetts, where I’m from. We have great schools where I am from. Thus, I am great. How am I not president yet? Oh, also, remember Tip O’Neill? Also from Massachusetts. Game. Set. Match, motherfucker.”

Obama: “I think Mr. Romney’s gonna have a busy first day, fixing our schools, repealing Obamacare, banishing the gays. Good luck buddy okay can I go home now my smile hurts”

Who won? That’s up to you to decide America. Personally, I’m voting Gosling/Gordon-Levitt in 2012.

*Fact checked by the same people who brought you the Magic School Bus, so you know it’s legit

Barack Obama Kills Terrorists, Slays an Al Green Song

Hello folks,

I’m briefly popping in during my wine-and -olive-oil-soaked vacation to share this adorable video of Barack Obama singing Rev. Al Green’s ‘Let’s Stay Together’ at the Apollo Theater in Harlem on Thursday.

In the video, the President shows the first in a series of events that made Michelle weak in the knees and created half of the first family. This is not the first time the two-time Grammy winner (true) has wowed an audience with his vocal chops.

Here he gives some tips on being a smooth operator and sings some Dionne Warwick.

And here he channels the Queen of Soul back in 2008.

SWOON, am I right?