In case anyone hasn’t gone on the internet today, the Oscar nominees were announced this morning! A few surprises, some snubs (where was Jack and Jill?!), but mostly just confusion. “What are all these movies about?” you’re thinking, “I have never even heard of them! Whine whine whine, me me me!” Well calm down, Pi Phi! Don’t worry, I’m a film major, I’ll simplify it for you:
The Artist
A haunting look at the life of Van Gogh. Think bright, colorful, and loud.
The smallest man Sean Penn has held in his hands
Surprisingly not about balls.
Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close
A compilation of home movies depicting your grandfather spurting off racist insults and confusing you with your sister.
The Help
A team of psychiatrists check themselves into a mental hospital for help. Meta!
Hugo
He was probably one of the characters from Jim Henson’s Labyrinth. See how Hugo lives his day to day life!
Midnight in Paris
It’s got Owen Wilson, so you can safely assume it also has Ben Stiller and Luke Wilson. Hilarity will ensue!
Moneyball
Also surprisingly not about testicles.
The Tree of Life
Spin off of Pocahontas.
War Horse
Today I found out it’s War Horse, not Warm Whores. My review stands: It’s about a pathetic creature trying to redeem itself, who probably dies in the end.
Kung Fu Panda 2
Surprisingly, this is about balls!
Even his dog is hot
Out of the 26 films Ryan Gosling was in last year, this was definitely in the top 30. Watch as Ryan Gosling drives a car around a city! What could be better?! (Nothing. Nothing will ever be better than Ryan Gosling doing anything. I would watch the shit out of a movie about Ryan Gosling trimming his nose hairs.)
Bridesmaids
If you’re stupid enough to be reading this, I know that you saw at least 3 movies this year, and this is one of them. You know the plot: Kristen Wiig is the unconvincing ugly and pathetic friend, and Melissa McCarthy shits in a sink. Someone gets married.
Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy
Like Toy Story, but with Tinker Toys!
Just kidding, I didn’t see any of these films. I’m just an asshole. Here is my actually helpful guide to the Oscars:
The Artist
Should have been called: Look at This Fucking Hipster Film
I would have seen it if it was called: Adorable Dog and Sort of Good Looking Man Make Out
The horror of a desperate Oscar grab
Should have been called:
George Clooney Cries and Runs in Hawaii
I would have seen it if it was called:
The Descendants Starring Ryan Gosling
Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close
Should have been called: 9/11 Movie That Has Very Little to Do With 9/11
I would have seen it if it was called: Let’s be real, there was no chance I was seeing this
The Help
Should have been called: Sassy Black Maids Kick Some Sass Sassily
I would have seen it if it was called: Emma Stone Looks Ugly, Don’t You Feel Better About Yourself?
Hugo
Should have been called: Look at Scorsese’s Range!
I would have seen it if it was called: The Adventures of Tintin
Midnight in Paris
Should have been called: Woody Allen Strolls Around Paris in an Owen Wilson Costume
I would have seen it if it was called: Midnight in Amsterdam
Moneyball
Should have been called: Brad Pitt Might Finally Win an Oscar
I would have seen it if it was called: Get Jonah Hill to the Oscars
The Tree of Life
Should have been called: Brad Pitt Might Finally Win an Oscar Pt 2
I would have seen it if it was called: Literally anything else more descriptive would have been great
War Horse
Should have been called: Actually War Horse pretty much sums it up
I would have seen it if it was called: Don’t Worry, He Doesn’t Die
Kung Fu Panda 2
Should have been called: Jack Black is as Fat and Funny as a Panda 2
I would have seen it if it was called: Kung Fu Panda 2 Produced By Pixar
Let's be honest: You just wanted to look at more pictures of Ryan Gosling
Should have been called:
Holy Shit Ryan Gosling Looks So Good Driving Around and Curb Stomping People Please Take Your Shirt Off More That’s All I Ask
I would have seen it if it was called:
Holy Shit Ryan Gosling Looks So Good Driving Around and Curb Stomping People Please Take Your Shirt Off More That’s All I Ask
Bridesmaids
Should have been called: Girls Can Make the Funnys, Too
I would have seen it if it was called: Kristen Wiig Dies in the End
Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy
Should have been called: This Movie is Well Over Two Hours Long
I would have seen it if it was called: Jonathan Tinker Taylor Thomas
Just kidding, that was still unhelpful! I’m still an asshole! Thanks for reading!
–Ali Parr
Tags: balls, Ben Stiller, Bridesmaids, bright, buzz, calm down pi phi, car, colorful, drive, Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close, film major, grandfather, home movies, Hugo, Internet, Jack and Jill, Jim Henson, Kristen Wiig, Kung Fu Panda 2, Labyrinth, loud, Luke Wilson, marriage, Melissa McCarthy, mental hospital, meta, Midnight in Paris, Moneyball, nominations, nominees, nose hair, Oscar, Oscar nominees, Oscars, Owen Wilson, Pi Phi, pocahontas, psychiatrists, racist insults, review, Ryan Gosling, shits, snubs, surprises, testicles, The Artist, The Descendants, The Help, The tree of life, Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy, tinker toys, Toy Story, Van Gogh, War Horse, Warm Whores
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