(via chicagosidesports.com)
As much as it pains me to say it, I don’t think that the good old Cardiac ‘Cats have a Nebraskan hail mary’s chance of making The Grandaddady of Them All. Unfortunately, there are more impediments blocking Northwestern from making the Rose Bowl than there are ways for NU to lose a game, but these three sticking points immediately jump out to me as reasons Northwestern doesn’t have a chance to make this New Year’s Tournament of Roses:
Whole new meaning of “stovepipe.”
Chicago, Ill.–In what comes as a landmark event for the Midwest, sources have confirmed that the State of Illinois has officially decided to change its slogan to the “Land of Twincoln.”
“It just felt right,” explained Governor Pat Quinn. “The state is moving forward and this is just one of the many changes that will come with the progress we’re seeing.”
Deering Forum
So you’ve been accepted to Northwestern. Big fucking deal. So was just about everyone who writes for Sherman Ave AND Chet Haze (who may or may not also write for Sherman Ave). You have accomplished nothing of any difficulty and importance, and this school will spend the next four years reminding you of that fact. So now that you have a little perspective, it’s time to get you prepped on everything you’ll need to know to survive the gauntlet of purple and white!
Soon, the Daily Northwestern, NBN, your parents, and dozens of other sources will be filling you in on the best dining halls, the characteristics of the two sides of campus and what the party scene is like. Even The Flipside will take the opportunity to desperately grasp at readership by printing freshman-oriented pieces.
Since old Uncle Samwise can’t do a better job than the rest at giving you everything you’ll need to know, I’ll have to settle for giving everything else you’ll need to know.
Welcum class of 2017! Now that you’ve been accepted, bombarded with FAFSA, and “studied” for AP tests (or wait, are you fucks done with school already?) it’s time to get hella pumped for college. You’re a future Wildcat, which means you are involved in every extracurricular under the sun, except for the good ones. Like sleeping. And smoking. And screwing. And (as we on the Ave know is most important) getting iced.
All of us current students know that the class of 2017 is a bunch of little turds because you made tuition go up once again, so you really need to step up your game and fit in right away.
This installment of the Freshman Guide is all about the linguistic complexity of language in the Midwest, and particularly the phenomenon of passive-aggressive comments. Learning how to be passive-aggressive seems to be unique to the Midwest since the East Coast is straight aggressive, and anyone west of Colorado is too high to care.
Dear Weather,
What the fuck is going on.
If you live in the Chicagoland area, or really anywhere in the eastern/central Midwest, you have probably noticed something very peculiar this December, something that doesn’t quite gel with how you’ve experienced the Decembers of yesteryear: You’ve looked outside your window, and seen grass. Un-blanketed, un-white grass. Again: it is late December. There should be snow. Where the fuck is the snow.
No no no. I want to hear about all frats you butt chugged at.
So, you’re a month and some change into your long distance relationship. Congratulations on “making it work” while so many other people are miserable and alone. You’ve come close to crying only a couple times when you were really drunk. Everyone remembers your strength in those moments. Good on you.
So far, you’ve done a great job not letting the relationship stop you from meeting new people. Juggling this takes skill, and you’re crushing it. People recall your composure with that drunken phone call you got when your old prom date discovered how awesome flip cup is. Wasn’t that the time you casually mumbled, “I miss you, too,” in front of everyone you’ve considered hooking up with on your dorm floor? Up to this point, they concluded you friend-zoned the world. You’re back in play hot shot!
Sure, it’s tough. Chin up. You’re in the Midwest. Your paramour is in, well, probably the Midwest.
Now, let’s not downplay the good times. You literally can not remove the memory of that time you guys decided to try Skype sex while your roommate went to SPAC, and the video got scrambled because everyone in the dorm started playing Xbox online. Hysterical.
Get excited for Thanksgiving break. One: the sex. Two: the grueling conversation about putting the relationship down. Three: the post-turkey day sex. Four: starting things back up with your mate. God, you two should never ever be apart again. Excellent save.
These are life lessons that you’ll be sure to remember. You won’t at all put yourself in this situation senior year of college. You’re going to turn down that job offer in Houston, and you’re moving to Brooklyn to stay together with that dorm mate you’ve been hooking up with on and off since freshman year. How about that? You’re a New Yorker now!
-Cobra Lederham
Sherman Ave 