Tag Archives: million

Sherman Ave Eclipses One Million Views; Wins Pacemaker; Fucks Bitches

20 Aug

In an event that the journalism community has called an “eventuality” and “well-earned,” the critically-acclaimed publication Sherman Ave has eclipsed one million views and won its first National Pacemaker Award for Excellence in Collegiate Student Journalism.

At Sherman Ave’s press conference announcing their most recent successes, Bob Woodward – of Watergate reporting fame – had the following to say when asked if Sherman Ave winning their first Pacemaker Award was surprising.

“Do I think it’s surprising that they won? I don’t know; do you think it’s surprising when you wake up each morning and your wife still doesn’t love you? What about when you look down at the ground and look back up and realize the sky is still there? Of course it’s not surprising. These steadfast reporters have been doing everything they can to keep the public informed for years and you think for a second this is surprising? What are you going to do next? SHOCK me and tell me the Daily sucked today?”

Sherman Ave, which was founded by former Union General William Tecumseh Sherman on the battlefields of Evanston, has risen steadily to journalistic prominence and served as a beacon of wisdom to all looking for a model of journalistic integrity, but only became eligible for Pacemaker selection this past year – making it the obvious pick to win. This victory, accompanied by the publication reaching its one millionth viewer, will likely only inspire the already outstanding Sherman Ave staff to create even better content.

Speaking from a bunker deep underneath Sherman Ave Headquarters, affectionately nicknamed the Triangle Shirtwaist Factory, Sherman Ave’s three co-Editors-in-Chief had this to say: “We are not the ones you have been awarded. You have rewarded us – with your stories, your words, and your beauty – and we will do our best to repay your wonderfulness and ONE MILLION VIEWS with the effort and love they deserve. NOW TELL US HOW OUR ASSES TASTE.”

Added the editors,

As of press time, competitor North by Northwestern was reportedly still by The Arch, yelling at Cherubs to take a copy of the 2007 NBN Magazine.

Do you love us now, Evanston?

6 Mar

Evanston, you love us even less than our father who's still disappointed we never got accepted to Yale.

Well, we did it. We raised over $1.1 million at Dance Marathon this past weekend for a charity benefitting efforts against childhood cancer and for the Evanston Community Foundation. We reached our goal and lots of people have told us we did really well. So, the question now is: Are you proud of us, Evanston? Do you love us now?

Because that’s what this is really all about. We know we’ve disappointed you before. We get it. But we’re just trying our best. We just want you to love us. We just want you to be proud of us.

We got the message loud and clear last year. We disappointed you — once again — with all that blowjob hollering. We heard you. We stopped. But did that make you love us? No. You let us know we could still never measure up.

But we kept trying. You told us you didn’t like what we did on Monday nights, so we stood by as you took away our collective mental health break. Headed to the library instead. But did that make you love us? No, we still saw that look of bitter disappointment in your eyes every time we passed you. It’s like our eighth birthday party all over again. You know, the one where we sat by the cake all day waiting for you to get home so we could blow out the candles? The one where you didn’t get back till 11pm and told us to stop whining and that birthdays don’t mean anything? Of course you don’t remember. You never cared.

Well finally maybe we’ve done something that could make you proud. We raised over a million, Evanston! Again! And we’re giving some of it to you! Do you love us now? Will you tell us we make you proud now? When you meet up with Chicago and Lake Forest will you stop saying that you “don’t have a college?”

No? Ok. We shouldn’t have gotten our hopes up. You’re right, we’re worthless. We’ll never be half the community you are. We’ll just slink back to our dorms and probably cry. A lot. Again. Hey, anyone have any Skol?