What You’re Doing Over Winter Break

We’re a full three-ish weeks into Winter Break now, and all your productive little plans have collapsed faster than the economy once we go off the fiscal cliff, rite?! Rite. But with the help of all those fun little hidden cameras we’ve installed in all of our readers apartments/dorms/houses (you would not BELIEVE what goes on in young Chester’s apartment… hint: marijuana drugging), we know what you’ve been up to:

1. Not changing out of your pajamas. And why should you? This is break, bitches! Sleep till 2pm. Wear your comfy jamjmaz all day. Don’t shower, workout, get dressed, brush your teeth, comb your hair, or, most importantly, come into contact with another human person. Seriously. It’s perfectly fine to bum around all day over break, but do NOT for a moment be fooled into thinking that your friends will understand. Just hide in your house, dirty and unkempt, until you decide you’re ready for human interaction. Then shower up, shave that back, throw some Lacoste on and get ready to get muploaded.

Is Mississippi State To Blame For The Titanic Sinking?

Last week, we published our first investigation into what role NU Football’s bowl opponent Mississippi State played in a historical tragedy: The Kennedy Assassination. This week we continue our investigation, this time looking into how MSU may be responsible for the sinking of the Titanic.

January 1st, we avenge Jack Dawson.

The Tragedy: On April 15, 1912, more than 1,500 people died as the RMS Titanic struck an iceberg on its maiden voyage and sunk in the North Atlantic. Much like Mississippi State’s season, the Titanic had been built up in the press and praised widely before running into real competition, which quickly sank it and destroyed its dreams of being remembered as anything but an unmitigated disaster.

Is Mississippi State To Blame For Kennedy’s Assassination?

But seriously.

The Tragedy: On Nov. 22, 1963, American president and lustful giver of penis John F. Kennedy was assassinated while driving in a motorcade through Dallas, Texas. Kennedy’s death robbed the nation of a popular president who had successfully told the Soviet Union do the fucking-itself thing, and robbed Kennedy of more of the blowjobs from Marilyn Monroe.