2012 Sherman Ave Readers’ Poll: Results

If there’s one thing Sherman Ave prides itself on, it’s follow through. That, and our stunning mastery of the entire AP U.S. History Flashcard set. So, in the hopes of amping you up to take the 2013 Sherman Ave Readers’ Poll, here are the results of last year’s 2012 Sherman Ave Readers’ Poll. Enjoy the blast from the heinous past.

Most Heinous Event of 2012

With 18% of the vote, the winner was: Evanston revoking the Keg’s liquor license. The Keg may not have survived the wrath of Tizzy, but it did manage to eke out a one-vote victory over the advent of #YOLO, followed closely by the I Agree With Markwell campaign and the notorious Vandy seal clubbing scandal. Rest in peace, old friend. We swear to hold you forever in our memory by linking to this every goddamn opportunity we get.

Romney “Too Busy Celebrating Dr. King and Stuff” to Watch Inauguration

SAN DIEGO – Former Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney announced this afternoon that he was not able to watch President Obama’s inauguration ceremony, as he was preoccupied with his personal celebration of Martin Luther King Jr. Day, and those kinds of things.

Mr. Romney, who really spent a lot of time today reflecting on race equality and shit like that, did express remorse that he didn’t get to watch the inauguration.  “I’m sure it would have been really cool to see President Obama say some things about his presidency,” stated Romney.  “But at the end of the day, it’s more important to me to spend the day thinking about the life and legacy of Dr. Mark Luther King, Jr., and, you know, his whole deal.”

Lil Wayne Preparing for Annual Skeet Trip

Dr. Carter, whose breath has already begun to fog in anticipation of the Skeet Trip’s climate.

NEW ORLEANS — According to a press release from Birdman Jr.’s head of public relations, Dwayne Michael Carter, Jr., known by his stage name Lil Wayne, spent his Friday afternoon enthusiastically making final preparations for his 12th Annual Skeet Trip.

Scheduled for December 15 through the 21st, the Skeet Trip is the largest rapper-organized Skeet Trip in the country. Under the direction of Lil Wayne, Lil John, The East Side Boyz, and the Ying Yang Twins, the Skeet Trip has evolved from a weekend trip to blow off some steam and enjoy the company of choice biddies to a weeklong skeeting bonanza in Park City, Utah. The group of rappers and hip hop artists continues to run the highly anticipated skeet trip at the end of every winter break, making it one of the largest lyricist-run-man-juice-ejaculation excursions in the nation (excluding, of course, the Grammy Awards).

Sparks Fly at Obama-Romney Post-Election Get-Together: A Running Diary

This past Thursday, November 29, the two former presidential candidates enjoyed a private lunch at the White House. While the doors were closed to all press, Sherman-Ave’s junior political correspondent Richard Wang was able to get all the details.

I’m going to take a pillowcase and fill it full of bars of soap and beat the shit out of you!

10:45 am: The president and wife Michelle await their company at the White House. President Obama informs Michelle that he doesn’t want Mitt to come over because he is weird, smells bad, and doesn’t like basketball. Michelle states that she does not know what has gotten into Barack today. He will have fun, and he will tolerate Mitt for one day. Furthermore, Michelle declares that she does not want to hear another word about it, Mister.

Magic Underpants: The Mitt Romney Story

Experience “trickle-down” like you never have before!

Obama always threw the best parties in town. Liberal with the booze and democratic with the music, it was the perfect place to get socialized, but America wasn’t having much fun. She felt like she’d been here for four years now, and though the energy was still high, Obama’s party hadn’t quite lived up to expectations. It didn’t help that she had just come from G.W.’s party, and so threw up pretty early into the night, and Obama had to spend most of his time cleaning up the mess. GM got pretty sick too, and a lot of other people had go home early, even a couple guys who everyone swore were too big to fail. America suspected the unregulated punch bowl.

But even still, now that she was back on her feet and mostly recovered, America couldn’t help but feel a bit out of place at Obama’s party, and the music was giving her a headache. Setting her drink down, she went to look for some place quiet where she could rest for a while.

After turning down a few halls, she found a small guest room, mostly insulated from the constant music. Assuming it to be empty, she flipped on the lights.

And there, on the bed, she saw him: his hair perfectly coiffed, his smile rigid and semi-lifelike, his tight temple garments highlighting his impressive fiscal policy.

“Oh, Governor Romney, I’m sorry, I thought this room was empty,” America stammered.

“Please, no need to be so formal. Call me Mitt,” said Romney as he gestured America to come sit with him. “What brings you here?”

“Oh, nothing. I was just getting a little tired of Obama’s party, and looking for a place too cool down.”

“Mm,” Romney nodded, “I know the feeling. You know I’m planning my own party soon? Much more tasteful and conservative. I think it’ll be a grand old party. I’d like it if you were there with me.” America only now realized how close Romney had gotten to her. This close up, he almost looked human. “You know America, I’ve got binders full of women, but I always had eyes for you.”

“Oh Mitt you’re joking with me.”

“I actually like jokes as well as things that are sort of fun. But right now I want something a little more spontaneous.”

America watched in stunned silence as Romney pulled out his fiscal policies. She had seen Obama’s stimulus package before, but this was something completely different. She was a little afraid it might hurt her. “Oh Mitt, your tax cuts are so… so big!”

“That’s just the 1%, babe.”

“But, don’t you think we need a safety net?”

“Nonsense, my dear. A friend told me that your body has a way of shutting that whole thing down.”

And thus, with some reluctance, America let Romney take her.

The End

-Dolphintail Espinoza

A Comprehensive Guide to Mitt Romney

Fearlessly saying whatever it takes to be President of these United States of America since ’07.

Every 7 minutes I get a notification from my CNN app. “A recent CNN poll has Romney leading in Florida with 50%, Obama 49%.” “According to a recent poll, Obama is ahead in Ohio with 51%, Romney close behind with 48%.”  Obama is leading in Florida. Romney is leading in Ohio. Obama in Iowa. Romney in Wisconsin. Obama in Ohio. Romney in New Hampshire. Obama in Wisconsin. Romney in Florida.

If one thing is clear about the atrocious excuse for democracy that is this presidential election, it’s that the race is tighter than Paul Ryan’s pecs. Because it’s entirely possible that Barack-star won’t get reelected, it’s time we familiarize ourselves with the alternative. This guide contains all the information that you could ever need to know about the Republican candidate.

Will the real Mitt Romney please stand up?

Full Name: Willard Mittingtons Romney III

Childhood nickname: Mittens the Kitten

How he got his childhood nickname: He fucking built it

Childhood hobbies: Lincoln Logs, Etch-a-Sketch

Early education: Cranbrook High School (other notable alumni include the guy who B-Rabbit rap battles at the end of 8 Mile).

College: Stanford for a hot second, then transferred to Brigham Young University (a transfer that would’ve made a lot more sense the other way around, but whatevs).

Vietnam War: He went on a mission trip to France instead.

Early career: Made the moniez at Bain Capital.

Salt Lake City Olympics: He built that shit.

Family: Beautiful wife Ann, 5 strapping boys named Tagg, Tucker, Joseph, Capital, and Small Business*

Position on abortion: He’s pro-choice, except he’s a pro-life pro-choice. He’s pro-life except for cases of rape and incest, except for the cases of rape and incest for which he does not make exceptions.

Gay marriage: NONONO. NO. Sanctity of marriage. Traditional American values. Importance of the family. Other things that Republicans say.

Foreign Policy: Unilateral approach. Also, London sucks. Romneylympics were like sooooo much better.

Economics: Success, individual initiative, business=good. Dependency, government programming, the 47%=bad. Taxes bad. Romney no likey.

Healthcare: Supports universal healthcare. In favor of a mandate that orders all citizens to have health insurance. That being said, he is against the tyrannical, socialist, and unconstitutional piece of dogshit  that is Obamacare.

ROMNEY/RYAN 2k12 NO REGRETZ

*Small Business later added a footnote to the end of his name, so he became Small Business[1]

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[1] No this is not a reference to my genitalia

This is the future, and it is sexy: Disney Buys LucasFilm

Three of my top five worst sexual nightmares are included in this image.

So by now you’ve probably heard of the ensuing deal in which Disney is buying out LucasFilm and the rights to the greatest sci-fi franchise ever (come at me, Trekkies) for $4 billion. You likely found out on Facebook, where somebody posted a status being all “I FEELZ A GREAT DISTURBANCE IN THE FILMS L0LZ!” but don’t be fooled. This is a good thing. Hell, it’s great.

Regardless of what RTVF majors have to tell you, Disney is not the worst thing to happen to films since Howard the Duck. They have created numerous masterpieces of the moving image, and the succession of Jewish chief executives recently more than makes up for the fact that Walt was kind of a raging, yet deservedly cherished, asshole. Not to be on their dick or anything, but Disney has also used their acquisitions incredibly well. Their most recent CEO, Bob Iger[1], has channeled his inner JD Rockefeller and went on a shopping spree of potential competitors, buying up Pixar in 2006 and Marvel in 2009.  With these franchises, he has made: Up, WALL-E, Toy Story 3[2], the new kickass X-Men, the new attractive-people Spiderman, and the superb eyefuck that was the Avengers. Also, the people who directed Disney pictures and would probably be picked to do Star Wars Episode VII are like the pantheon of nerd heroes. You’ve got Brad Bird, Gore Verbinski, Brett Ratner, JJ Abrams, and freaking Joss Whedon. HOW AWESOME WOULD A JOSS WHEDON STAR WARS BE.

Oh yeah, this “article” is about Star Wars. This brings me to my next point: George Lucas is an aging hack. I know this has become a cliché among the fandom, but that doesn’t make it in any less true. He has his defenders, who will say that since he made this great story in the first place, he can make any movies he wants and should still be loved. Yeah, that’s like saying that Mitt Romney is undeserving of critique because he was a pretty good governor of Massachusetts. But according to soothsayer Nate Silver, Obama’s up by 20 in the state, and George Lucas left a huge blemish on my childhood with Jar-Jar and rat-tails and “This is so wizard, Ani!” He had numerous chances to do well with the Star Wars franchise after the 80s, and he failed in unique ways every time. I say, good riddance. Change is good, and Disney will do some sensational things with the franchise.

Our mousy overlords will probably rely on the immense Expanded Universe for the prophesized Episode VII, but they will come up with newer characters than the original trilogy. Han, Leia, and Luke are all WAY too iconic to replace, and the old actors simply can’t do them. Even though Princess Leia would have been the first Disney Princess to be elected to the Senate[3], Carrie Fisher is simply too coked out to reprise the role. Harrison Ford is only concerned with cashing his Medicare checks and saving people with his helicopter, and Mark Hamill would love to come back, but he reeks of desperation and cheap schnapps[4].  So this means the series will maybe take place in the Knights of the Old Republic Universe[5], but it will probably actually deal with the Thrawn trilogy which occurs after the original series, and shoehorn in Jacen and Jaina Solo, Han and Leia’s spunky twin kids. This will be sweet, since it can be political, endearing, deal with simple moral issues, and still have probably the coolest antagonist in the series, Grand Admiral Thrawn. This is an alien who succeeds in an institutionally racist organization because he is dispassionate, ridiculous witty, and learns from the enemy by studying their art. This is as close to a Bond villain as the Star Wars movies will get, complete with special death-dealing gadgets. Also, (old) Luke will have a romantic interest who’s not his sister[6], which is good. I’ll leave on that, with the glorious image of Scarlett Johansson as Mara Jade. This is the future, and it is sexy.

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[1] Who married some Catholic shiksa, this is the son I raised…

[2] That was us, remember!?! Except you can totally bring your toys here, just make them face the wall when you’re smanging someone

[3] Sorry Kirsten Gillibrand!

[4] Did you know he voiced Fire Lord Ozai? Do you think he has Zuko’s honor in his trailer?

[5] With the aptly named HK-47, C-3PO’s more badass and snarky cousin

[6] What is it with blonds and incest, amirite?

The Sherman Ave 2012 Presidential Debate Drinking Game: Town Hall Edition

Well, democracy is back in action tomorrow night, and as such you will likely want to cry a lot about all of the things. But you should not do that. Instead, you should do what I do when I feel sad. When I get sad, I stop being sad and be awesome instead. True story!

You know how you can be awesome (besides applying to write for The Ave)? By playing fun games with us. This fun game is funner than most fun games because it involves the drinks! So sit on down, grab a beverage, turn on the debate, play The Sherman Ave 2012 Presidential Debate Drinking Game, and pretend you have a friend.

THIS MUTHAFUCKAS NAME IS MITT.

Take one sip every time…

• Obama brings up the 47% video. Take two sips if he’s obviously really proud of himself for remembering to bring up Romney’s biggest gaffe this time around.
• Romney shouts “JUST LIKE LAST TIME, BITCH” after every zinger.
• Either candidate says “middle class,” “unemployment,” “economy,” “Libya,” “labia,” “Iraq,” “hein-daddy,” “taxes,” “Kim Kardashian,” “hard-working,” “butt-chugging,” “failure,” “turnaround,” “recovery,” “recovering alcoholic,” or “America.”
• Obama chugs a Red Bull.
• Romney responds to a question by playing a clip of the last debate on his iPad. Waterfall if after he exits out of the video everyone can see desktop background and it’s a picture of a scantily-clad Michelle Obama and then everyone’s like, “SAY WHAAA NOW??”
• An audience member asking a question looks like they just shat themselves a lot.
• The grammar in an audience member’s question makes you want to punch the young children.
• Obama criticizes Romney’s record at Bain Capital. Two sips if Romney responds by making it rain.
• Either millionaire on stage explains how they too were once one of The Poors.

Take one gulp every time…

Excuse me, my sunglasses are UP HERE.

• The cameraman finds a hot girl in a halter-top in the bleachers to show instead of the game.
• Obama and Romney talk over each other.
• Romney talks about Paul Ryan, or Obama avoids talking about Joe Biden.
• Romney flips. Two gulps when he flops.
• Obama takes a nap at the podium.
• Romney asks is he has a “phone a friend” option and tries to call Sheldon Adelson. Two gulps if Adelson makes him clarify that Romney is an “employee” not a “friend.”

Finish that drank every time…

• The audience breaks into a flash mob to “I Want Candy” and lol this whole election was actually part of an elaborate gag to throw a surprise birthday party for debate moderator Candy Crowley and I think it worked haha she looks so surprised!!!
• Obama orders a drone strike on every state Mitt Romney claims he’s from.
• Romney buys the White House.
• Donald Trump is mentioned.
• Obama brings Biden in to celeb shot the answer to an abortion question.

Pour your drink all over your face and let it drip slowly down your chest every time…

• The candidates shake hands. DO IT.

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Like us on The Book for more of The Heinous, and follow us on Twitter for a live tweet of the debate!

The Sherman Ave 2012 VP Debate Drinking Game

If you have the wild misfortunate of following The Ave on Twitter, you may have noticed that we enjoy the presidential debates. There’s nothing that livens a weekday night up more than seeing Jim Lehrer bound and gagged in his chair while Mitt Romney beats one of The Poors with a sock full of gold bricks and Barack Obama pukes up on himself.

So when we heard there was another debate this week, we were thrilled. “Golly gee,” we though, in our best Tagg Romney impersonation, “what a swell chance this shall be to hear two esteemed gentlemen engage in the art of intellectual disagreement.”

Then we heard Joe Biden was involved.

Power hour if they make out.

It turns out that Thursday night’s debate is the VICE presidential debate. Never to be dismayed, we excitedly began waiting for Sarah Palin to wink at us in that special blend of “come hither” and “come any closer and I’ll shoot you from a helicopter” that only she can manage. Once again, we were brutally disappointed to discover that some bloke named Paul Ryan will be giggling at Uncle Joe instead.

See, apparently the GOP candidates is NOT required to pick Palin for veep after all! (Crazy, right?! Slike, why did Mack-daddy even acknowledge her heinousness then?) Our excitement thoroughly destroyed, we turned to America’s most favorite and least advisable coping mechanism: drank.

Sherman Ave is proud* to present the 2012 Vice Presidential Debate Drinking Game:

Take a sip if…

When he heard the debate would be on ABC, Paul Ryan thought it meant a different “ABC”

• Paul Ryan discusses Medicare or entitlements (that means Social Security or Medicaid too, you fucking engineers).
• Joe Biden mentions his upbringing (that means childhood, you goddamn pre-meds).
• Moderator Martha Raddatz manages to effectively end discussion of a topic when time expires ONE FUCKING TIME.
• Biden gives Obama credit for the fact that GM is alive but Osama bin Laden is now one of the dead people.
• Paul Ryan blatantly contradicts himself (that means on the Simpson-Bowles debt commission plan, saving $716 billion in Medicare from overhead costs, rape exceptions on abortion, or like half of the shit Mitt Romney says he kind of supports but might not if other people don’t like it).
• Biden says “consecutive months of job growth,” “5.1 million new jobs,” or “7.8% unemployment.”
• Ryan says “fiscal responsibility,” “failure” or “Nancy Pelosi.” Three sips if he cannot bring himself to say Pelosi’s name.
• Biden forgets someone’s name, gets a date wrong, doesn’t realize he was asked a question, asks Ryan to get him some coffee, makes a joke about “a cup of Joe for Joe” after he asks Ryan for coffee, asks if he’s president yet, or reverts to talking about his wife because he can’t remember what the question was.

Take a gulp if…

• The moderator challenges Ryan to substantiate a claim.
• Ryan leaves Biden crying on his podium and asking if he may leave now.
• Biden forgets to wear a shirt.
• Ryan “forgets” to wear a shirt and starts rubbing his abs at the camera.
• Biden openly flirts with Raddatz.
• Ryan name drops Janesville, Wisconsin.
• Biden name drops Scranton, Pennsylvania.
• Biden and Ryan have a fistfight over whose blue-collar upbringing was tougher.
• Ryan mentions Ayn Rand.
• Biden says “you were a lot more ladylike in our last debate.”
• Ryan uses words that Biden doesn’t understand.
• Ryan says the middle class has been “buried” the last four years. Two gulps if he credits Biden with coming up with the line.
• Either candidate uses a clearly pre-prepared zinger.

Finish your drink if…

Big Bird jokes are NEVER gonna get old, rite??

• Obama comes onstage to redeem himself.
• Bill Clinton comes onstage and euthanizes Biden.
• Ryan announces his 2016 candidacy.
• Biden points out that it was rude of Ryan not to ask if he could call him Joe.
• Ryan messes up an answer and just yells, “Yeah, well this bitch invited Obama to her wedding she probably like loves him or something I bet she kept an old Kleenex of his and is gonna do some weird African voodoo on it to make him like her.” Word for word.
• Big Bird eats Ryan alive on national television.
• The handshake at the end of the debate lasts more than 3.5 seconds.

*Horrified, ashamed and embarrassed.

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For a livetweet of the debate, and to feel bad about your life choices, follow us on Twitter. To just feel bad about your life choices, like us on Facebook. To become one of us, check out our application!

A Thorough and 100% Factually* Accurate Summary of Last Night’s Debate

Toooootally Mitt’s O face.

Obama: “I love you Michelle, here’s to 4 more years uhhh I mean 20!”

Romney: “We need to crack down (say crack again) on cheating China and become energy independent can I have a cookie now”

Obama: “Education is important. The children are our future. I believe in America. 4 more years!”

Lehrer: [looks dead]

Romney: “I’m crushing the middle class I mean you crushed the middle class I mean I have a crush on Mandy Moore wait but I definitely like coal that I know. That’s all I’ve gotten for Christmas the past 10 years I must love it!”

Obama: “Here’s why I’m right and you’re wrong”

Romney: “My children are liars I don’t trust them just like how I don’t trust black peopl- oh. Barack. Well. This is…”

Obama: “I know Donald Trump doesn’t think he has a small anything” (took us 20 minutes to get to the first dick joke. Notbad.jpg)

Lehrer: “Ok, I-”

Romney: “DID I SAY YOU COULD TALK YET?!”

Lehrer: [heart attack]

Romney: “Now in regards to the federal deficit, I will slash funding everywhere like how I slashed your heart, Jim. PBS? SLASHED. Big Bird? Nice dude, but SLASHED. Prices on couches from Big Bob’s Warehouse? SLASHED wait”

Obama: “This is all the republicans’ fault. We had two wars that were paid for on a credit card but before the civil rights movement black people like myself couldn’t even get a credit card look how far we’ve come OBAMA 2012 HOPE CHANGE AND LUV.”

Lehrer: “Should we talk about medicare because I’m old as shit and will probably die any minute so-”

Romney: “STOP TALKING JIM MITT WANT SPEAK. I don’t want to slash funding for medicare oddly enough, so young people, you will be getting your social security cards in the mail next week along with a year’s supply of Just For Men (offer does not apply to women or their slutty vaginas).”

Obama: “Can I just talk about my dead Grandma for a second here? Not trying to make you cry and have the feels and then vote for me but hey if that works then 4 MORE YEARS can I go home and have sexy times with my wife yet?”

Lehrer: “I think there’s a very clear difference between you two and now everyone know’s I’m racist oh well YOLO” [dies]

Obama: “Insurance companies can jerk us around” (I can’t believe it took us nearly an hour to get to the first masturbation joke! Disappointed in you guys)

Replacement ref moderator: How do u feel about skoolz?

Romney: “I like the way we did it in Massachusetts, where I’m from. We have great schools where I am from. Thus, I am great. How am I not president yet? Oh, also, remember Tip O’Neill? Also from Massachusetts. Game. Set. Match, motherfucker.”

Obama: “I think Mr. Romney’s gonna have a busy first day, fixing our schools, repealing Obamacare, banishing the gays. Good luck buddy okay can I go home now my smile hurts”

Who won? That’s up to you to decide America. Personally, I’m voting Gosling/Gordon-Levitt in 2012.

*Fact checked by the same people who brought you the Magic School Bus, so you know it’s legit