World’s Worst: Current Song Lyrics

How does this man even have time to write lyrics when he has a beard to keep so immaculate?

Legend has it that if you put a thousand monkeys at a thousand typewriters, one of them would eventually write Shakespeare. But before they did that, they would type these song lyrics, as well as several E.E. Cummings poems and an episode of Adventure Time.

1.      “I want to scream and shout and let it out. I want to scream and shout and let it out.” – Britney Spears and Will.i.am, “Scream and Shout”

If your ACT score exceeded your shoe size, you’re probably wondering: how did this song even happen? We here at the Ave have determined several plausible explanations:

What You’re Doing Over Winter Break

We’re a full three-ish weeks into Winter Break now, and all your productive little plans have collapsed faster than the economy once we go off the fiscal cliff, rite?! Rite. But with the help of all those fun little hidden cameras we’ve installed in all of our readers apartments/dorms/houses (you would not BELIEVE what goes on in young Chester’s apartment… hint: marijuana drugging), we know what you’ve been up to:

1. Not changing out of your pajamas. And why should you? This is break, bitches! Sleep till 2pm. Wear your comfy jamjmaz all day. Don’t shower, workout, get dressed, brush your teeth, comb your hair, or, most importantly, come into contact with another human person. Seriously. It’s perfectly fine to bum around all day over break, but do NOT for a moment be fooled into thinking that your friends will understand. Just hide in your house, dirty and unkempt, until you decide you’re ready for human interaction. Then shower up, shave that back, throw some Lacoste on and get ready to get muploaded.

Make Mississippi State Stop Injecting Baby Monkeys With Syphilis!

Mississippi State Head Coach Dan Mullen, relentlessly taunting a family of syphilis-ridden monkeys.

Okay, readers, listen up: I know that your Facebook newsfeed, Twitterfeed, and TV commercial breaks are saturated with people trying to enlist you for causes.  In fact, just yesterday someone invited me to play Farmville.  But this is something much, much more important – more important than any other cause, even battered puppies being serenaded by Sarah McLachlan.

The Mississippi State University football team is kidnapping innocent monkeys from the Amazon Rainforest and injecting them with syphilis.

For fun.