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Tag Archives: Morgan Freeman

Should You Hook Up With Him? A Flowchart Journey

4 Mar

So you’re out at a party or a bar or hovering by the bar at a party, and suddenly a Calvin Harris song comes on and you feel some guy’s pelvis approach your ass and realize that you are being “danced” upon. Then comes there part where you must make a decision.

-Should I casually take a few steps forward like I didn’t notice the sudden proximity of his dick to my ass crack?

-Should I let him make out with me and get a free drink out of it? Maybe I’ll feel less guilty if I give him an OTPHJ. I can just say I was black out and don’t remember that.

-Should I take him home with me? I haven’t cleaned my room in a while, but maybe he’s too drunk to notice. My roommates might judge me though. Maybe we should go back to his place. Oh wait doesn’t he live with Continue reading

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Morgan Freeman To Marry Granddaughter

16 Apr

Warning: The word ‘heinous’ is used approximately eight million times in this article. Families with young children are advised to proceed with caution.

Marrying your granddaugher is a bad thing. Maybe the worst of things.

The problem with beautiful voices is that they are often attached to real people. And real people are not beautiful. They are heinous. This can be jarring sometimes.

Take Ross Packingham, for instance. The man has the voice of an angel, but I wouldn’t let him near your pets if I was you. Axl Rose likewise has a great voice, but I wouldn’t let him near your Lana Del Reys if I were you.

People basically fall into three categories of heinous: accidentally heinous, unabashedly heinous, and Rush Limbaugh. The first group means well. They’re nice guys; they always show up to your acapella concerts and would never fuck you without charming and dining you first. They just can’t help it that sometimes they forget to text you back, and yeah, maybe they do avert their eyes whenever they pass the hobos outside CVS. The second group, on the other hand, takes YOLO way too seriously. They often end up eating dinner at Fran’s Café at 1 am, and they have their own personal Walk of Shame route. They mean you no harm or ill will; just don’t get them drunk in Mexico because they might end up with a tattoo of an ice cream cone on their face. The third group is self-explanatory.

The members of the third group have existed since basically the beginning of the time. We’re all comfortable with dividing the world like that. Well, all of us except Morgan Freeman. In the grand tradition of great innovators and thinkers outside of boxes, Freeman was dissatisfied with the current categorical structure of the world around him and acted decisively to change it. But whereas Einstein invented quantum physics and Magellan sailed around the world, Freeman fucked his granddaughter.

Oh, I’m sorry, did you not know that? Well, then, let me repeat it for emphasis: MORGAN FREEMAN IS GOING TO MARRY HIS GRANDDAUGHTER. This is heinous and not in the fun way. This is a whole new level of heinous that not even a drunk, Adele-singing Sir Twattingworth could possibly match.

Okay, so they’re not really related by blood, but still, he’s 72 and she’s 27, and those ages should never be connected in a sexual context. According to the highly respected journalistic watchdog publication Peace FM Online, Freeman and E’Dena Hines “had a questionable sexual encounter when she was young.” (…) Now the cat is out of the bag and Freeman’s wife is filing for divorce, and an unnamed source is credited as saying that “becoming Mrs. Freeman has been E’Dena’s goal.”

Now I ain’t sayin’ she a gold digger! OH WAIT YES I AM. But can you really blame her? Didn’t becoming Mrs. Freeman become everyone’s goal the moment they first saw March of the Penguins? This whole situation is strange, but E’Dena isn’t acting any different than we would in that situation. She falls strictly into that second category of heinousness I mentioned earlier. But Freeman is inventing a whole new category, one that is currently occupied only by himself (although the potential heinousness of a war on porn means that a President Santorum could conceivably get on his level, as well as that kid from the front page of Reddit who sodomized his dog with a hair brush), which begs the question: Why?

Seriously, you’re Morgan Freeman! For God’s sake, Evander Jones has been known to use his position as Sherman Ave editor-in-chief as a pick-up line at parties. And it kind of works!* You’re telling me “hey, I narrated The Shawshank Redemption wouldn’t make any reasonable girl melt into a pile of goo? Why marry your granddaughter when you could have, say, literally anyone and not defy centuries of anti-heinous societal norms?

I am shaking my head. The world is a heinous place.

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*It doesn’t.