It’s Not Alcoholism until You Graduate, According to Twelfth-Year Senior

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According to a new research study conducted over the past twelve years by super-super-super-super-super-super-super-super-super-super-super senior Dave Eaton, 34, any sort of behavior that might otherwise constitute alcohol abuse in virtually any other circumstance “totally doesn’t count in college, dude.” Whether it’s tailgating a football game at 10 a.m. with shots of Jack or sneaking sips of absinthe out of a hidden flask to alleviate the shaky hands and nausea brought on by alcohol withdrawals, Eaton claims this behavior “is just what you do in college, you know?”

Eaton, who has failed all of his classes as well as multiple sobriety tests over the past 14 years, did not find any correlation between his poor academic performance and his drinking habits. “Sometimes you’re a little too hungover to make it to your 2 p.m. class, it happens” said Eaton. “And sometimes that happens for, like, 14 years in a row. It’s whatever.” When questioned further, Eaton explicated, “You know, GPA doesn’t really matter. College is just the best two decades of your life.”

8 Pictures of Puppies That Make You Contemplate Your Mortality

Awwwww, just look at this pup embrace the sunset as we all will have to when the final light of our lives shines upon the world.

What a cute outfit! Doesn’t it just make you think about how embracing the cultural relics of our past will help us accept our own fading into history?

This fella doesn’t have a care in the world as he continues his downward journey with the sands of time that carry us to our ends!

A Pep Talk For Your Finals

Are you a Wildcat? ARE YOU A MOTHERFUCKING WILDCAT!?!?

Listen up, kiddies, because this is going to be the nicest damn thing you hear from Sherman Ave for the next three years.

You’re going to rock your finals. Because we said so.

Remember the first house centipede you found on your wall freshman year?  You captured it live in the free purple plastic Northwestern cup with the weird straw, dropped it in the toilet, watched its disgruntlement as it flailingly realized its own mortality, and showered urine and verbal profanity on it before flushing. That centipede was a mild and euphemistic foreshadowing of what is going to happen to your finals this week.

The Art of the #YOLO

This is probably, like, the third worst thing Drake has ever done.

Have you heard? No? That’s odd, I was under the impression that everyone had heard. Heard what? Heard, of course, that YOLOBOTCHEZZZZ.

That’s right, for those of you who aren’t sure how many times people* live I’m here with some breaking news: You Only Live Once. Stunning. I know. Now take a deep breath. It’ll probably all be ok.

See, YOLO is actually a great thing. It’s not a statement acknowledging death, it’s a fully hashtaggable catchphrase that will help you live your life to the fullest and most atrocious extent, because of the YOLOOOOOO. So stop dreading death and start getting wild.

YOLO is the perfect excuse to do all those things you were always too confused about mortality to do.  Always meant to shit off the top of Swift? #YOLO. Wanna skinny dip in SPAC at three in the afternoon during a swim meet? #YOLOLOLOL. Been dying to do 14 handle pulls in a two-hour span? Call the ambulance, it’s time to #YOLO! That girl’s a 3.5 and you just did 14 handle pulls? Go for it bro, because of the #YOLO.

By now I’m sure many of you are thinking that perhaps YOLO is just an excuse to make terrible decisions without thinking about the consequences. Aaaaanyway.

But what really elevates YOLO from a heinous catchphrase to a heinous lifestyle is its applicability to any situation. While we’ve already mentioned some truly hei-hei examples above, YOLO is much more versatile than the typical Wednesday I described.  It can be used if you’re taking a test (The answer’s “B” four times in a row because YOLO, duhhh), if you’re grocery shopping (Nineteen cans of SPAM, yayyy #YOLO), or even if you’re playing a casual game of golf out on the-links-golf-course-Masters-Bubba-Watson-Tiger-putting place (If you hit a bad shot, throw the club in the water and then you’ll be YOLOing). Where some phrases are useful every once in a while, YOLO will always make sense as long as you don’t think about it.

In fact, if you look back through history it becomes clear that mankind has always had YOLO imbedded in its brain on a subconscious level. How else do you explain Caesar’s constant power-grabbing? The dude was YOLOing like a mofo. Hitler deciding to invade Russia? “Yeah, I know this war is going well for us and no one has ever successfully taken Russia by land, but YOLO amirite?!?!” And rumor has it that when someone suggested checking the Hindenburg for flammability near sparks, the engineers said “Niemals, ich muss YOLO.”

Sir Twattingworth with his biddies, Charity and Henrietta.

And we see it in modern times as well. Carly Rae Jepsen is perhaps our current goddess of YOLOcity, casually giving out her digitz as if this was her only life. Sure, she JUST met him. And yes, this is batshit crazy. But hey, those numbers connect you to her telephone, so perhaps an attempt at communication is in order. YOLO.

So I hope by now you’ve come to understand what YOLO truly means. It doesn’t mean, “Gee, life is precious and I should spend it in a meaningful way.” No no, silly fucker. It means, “Let’s see how much regrettable stuff I can do in the 26 years I have on earth.”

Now go out into the world. Go forth in love and peace. Meet your fellow man with the wind at your back and the knowledge that no matter what mistakes you make, you can always blame it on the power of #YOLO.

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*Two exceptions