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Tag Archives: Morton Schapiro

We Photoshopped Morty Into Famous Things So You Don’t Have To

3 Nov

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Northwestern to Break Ground on Huge Fucking Inconvenience in 2015

8 Oct
Just the cherry on top that your day needed.  Source: Some jackass architect

Just the cherry on top that your day needed.
Source: Some jackass architect

EVANSTON, Ill. – Explaining that nothing was more important than the future of Northwestern University and its students, university president Morton Schapiro announced plans to break ground on Northwestern’s newest massive inconvenience by Fall of 2015.

“We could not be more excited about getting started on this project,” President Schapiro insisted of the enormous eye-sore of a construction site, which will begin to frustrate students as soon as the current gigantic annoyance is underway.

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Sherman Ave’s Official Guide To Fall Dillo

2 Oct

Well I’ll be a motherfucker, fellow Wildcats. The glorious holiday known only as Dillo, the college equivalent of the combination of Christmas, New Years, 4th of July and Casmir Pulaski Day, is cometh again 8 months early.

And that’s fucking SICK HOLY CHRIST.

Now, you must be thinking: “Samwise, how much glue did you snort this morning bro there’s only one Dillo.” Well let me inform you that Continue reading

“I Only Have One Final,” Reports Dickhead

5 Jun
At least he has more time to focus on rushing Sig Nu.

At least he has more time to focus on rushing Sig Nu.

EVANSTON, Ill. – In a press conference this morning, some total dickhead announced to everyone that he only has one final this quarter.

“Yeah, it’s honestly really nice,” said the absolute douchesicle.  “Everyone else is really stressed, and I’m just sitting here chilling.  I just have one final next week, and it’s only on material from weeks 9 and 10.  How’s your finals week going?”

The Anusmelon’s announcement has been met with substantial public outcry, especially among Northwestern’s virgin engineer population.  In addition to organizing a march down Sheridan Road this afternoon to show solidarity for how much they despite this piece of human dogshit, the McCormick School of Engineering has planned a candlelight vigil for this evening to honor the gruesome death of fairness.

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Hundreds of Professors Gather To Coordinate Midterm Dates

10 May

EVANSTON– More than 200 professors from all six schools at Northwestern University met this morning in an annual summit dedicated to scheduling midterms in a way that most frustrates and inconveniences undergraduate students, sources report.

The meeting, which was held in the Norris Student Center’s Louis Room, was called to order at 9:02 am by President Morton Schapiro.  Schapiro started off with a few opening remarks about the importance of this annual convention, and what it means to the community.

“I greatly appreciate each and every one of you taking time out of your busy schedules to come gather here on this momentous occasion,” said Schapiro. “Without your time and dedication, we would be forced to schedule midterms independently, and that would almost ensure that students would have midterms days, even weeks apart.  And what’s worse, their midterms could be at reasonable times and accessible places.” Continue reading

Norris Begins Planning Half-Birthday

6 May

Surprisingly, this is not a still-frame from a movie about a dystopian society.

EVANSTON – Administrators at Northwestern University’s Norris Student Center announced this morning that they are officially making plans for an extravagant week-long celebration of the building’s half-birthday this summer.

Norris Executive Director Kelly Schaefer expressed the importance of the celebration.

“You know, some people don’t think half-birthdays are worth celebrating,” said Schaefer.  “But, like, come on!  Those people just don’t know how to have fun.  They’re probably the same people who think that Norris doesn’t need a game room.” Continue reading

Go The F♥ck to Class

21 Jan

Your TA is grading attendance-

Without it, you never shall pass.

You’re not hot enough to trade “O’s” for “A’s”

So go the fuck to class.

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New Chipotle Opens in Student Center

30 Nov

EVANSTON – Students and employees of Northwestern University enthusiastically welcomed the opening of a Chipotle Mexican Grill franchise in the Norris Student Center this morning.

“The addition of a reasonably priced, popular Mexican restaurant – which I assume is just a fucking Chipotle – adds another dimension to the Norris experience,” explained Northwestern University President Morton Schapiro.

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Professor Successfully Uses Projector

3 Oct

Evanston, IL – In an act that can only be described as “miraculous,” an anonymous professor from Northwestern University managed to successfully turn on and use a projector this morning.

The professor, wishing to remain anonymous to avoid making other professors jealous, was immediately rewarded with a standing ovation from the 120-student lecture, and is currently trending on Twitter.

“It was truly one of the most beautiful and memorable moments of my entire life,” recalled a sophomore who witnessed the magical event.  “My parents always told me that college would be full of life-changing and eye-opening experiences, but I never thought I’d see something this inspirational.”

Northwestern University President Morton Schapiro added a few words as well.  “I thank this professor for serving as an example of the excellence and greatness to which we hold ourselves at this elite institution.  For staff and students, it is always an honor to work with professors who have won Nobel prizes, cured diseases, and successfully operated projectors.”

President Schapiro added that he hopes the actions of this professor will motivate an improved performance from “that goddamn Asian Calculus TA who couldn’t even help anyone figure out how to find a goddamn derivative.”

 

 

BREAKING: Bruce Springsteen Not to Perform at A&O Blowout Just Like Fucking Last Year

24 Sep

The Boss, delivering an awe-inspiring show somewhere fucking other than Welsh-Ryan Arena.

EVANSTON, IL — Just like fucking last year, Rock and Roll icon and American legend Bruce Springsteen will not perform next month at A&O Blowout, University President Morton Schapiro announced during this morning’s freshman convocation.

The annual fall concert, which for yet another year will not feature the single greatest live performer that has ever graced God’s green Earth, will be held Oct. 12 at Welsh-Ryan Arena.

According to eyewitness accounts, the announcement was delivered by a visibly dejected President Schapiro.

“I had really been hoping to give this Class of 2016 something special. An unforgettable night of passionate heartland rock anthems dedicated to the unsung heroes of American life, coupled with soulful explorations of the vast and promising New Jersey night and delivered by the heart-stopping musical might that is the E-Street band,” read President Schapiro listlessly. “But now, just like so many goddamn years before, I have to sit here and say that instead of providing you with the most mind-blowing concert experience of your lives, those douchemuffins at A&O went out and got a past-his-prime hip hop artist and some fucking indie taint band who play that one song that was covered on Glee.”

Added Schapiro, “Fuck me.”

Although archival research indicates that although A&O Productions claims to bring top-notch large-scale programming since its inception in 1969, not once have they fucking brought Bruce Springsteen to perform at A&O Blowout. The student group has come under increased pressure ever since failing to bring Prince and the Revolution to the 2007 A&O Spring Ball.

Childish Gambino will headline this year’s show, which will be noticeably void of The Boss’s manically energetic stage presence, poignant lyrics chronicling the faith and disappointment engendered by the American dream, or crotch-first power slides.