Tag Archives: Morty Schapiro

BREAKING: Northwestern Plans to Rename Many Building Acronyms to LGBT

8 May

Evanston, Il.— In response to the anti-gay flyers handed out at Northwestern’s Arch this afternoon, Northwestern University has decided to replace some of Northwestern’s acronyms with acronyms that are more LGBT friendly to show support for Northwestern’s queer students.

Rainbow_flag_and_blue_skies

“We think this flyer situation is Continue reading

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Sherman Ave’s Prospie Guide

14 Apr

ArchHey there, Prospie!

Yes, you with the purple folder! Now that you’ve been waitlisted from Stanford admitted to Northwestern and probably some other places not worth mentioning, you sure have a tough choice ahead of you. Boy, this is probably the hardest decision you’ve had to make since choosing which AP classes to take! Haha aren’t we so relatable to the high school demographic? Anyways, now that we’ve won you over with our topical humor and you’re done being assaulted by every student group on campus at the activities fair—which Sherman Ave would never do to you because the university (justifiably) refuses to recognize us as an official student group so we aren’t allowed to have a booth we are considerate—you’re probably overwhelmed and looking for some guidance. Are all the schools you’re choosing between blending together? Don’t you wish someone would be honest with you about what life is really like at Northwestern? Buck up, lil prospie, that’s what big bro Sherman Ave is here for. We’ll be honest with you to the point where you Continue reading

2012 Sherman Ave Readers’ Poll: Results

1 Jan

If there’s one thing Sherman Ave prides itself on, it’s follow through. That, and our stunning mastery of the entire AP U.S. History Flashcard set. So, in the hopes of amping you up to take the 2013 Sherman Ave Readers’ Poll, here are the results of last year’s 2012 Sherman Ave Readers’ Poll. Enjoy the blast from the heinous past.

Most Heinous Event of 2012

With 18% of the vote, the winner was: Evanston revoking the Keg’s liquor license. The Keg may not have survived the wrath of Tizzy, but it did manage to eke out a one-vote victory over the advent of #YOLO, followed closely by the I Agree With Markwell campaign and the notorious Vandy seal clubbing scandal. Rest in peace, old friend. We swear to hold you forever in our memory by linking to this every goddamn opportunity we get.

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Considering our Options for the ASG 10k Initiative

6 Dec
Our suggestion from last year, which has yet to be passed by President Ani "The Punisher" Ajith.

Our suggestion from last year, which has yet to be passed by President Ani “The Punisher” Ajith.

What would you do with 10,000 dollars? Associated Student Government, as you may know, asks the entire student body this question every year. ASG then applies this sum toward the best answer. I spoke with several members of the Northwestern community regarding their opinion on the matter.

Cameron Jibril Thomas, Ph. D., Psychologist, CAPS: In light of Northwestern’s mental health epidemic, CAPS has responded with different services – clinical services, workshops, etc. – but there is a more effective and far-reaching option. $10,000 could buy 10 pounds of weed and go a long way to improving mental health on campus.

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Students Paying $60,000 a Year for Education Able to Correctly Identify Weather Conditions

11 Nov

EVANSTON, Ill. – Students who pay approximately $45,120 a year on college tuition alone proved this afternoon that they have the ability to properly identify the weather condition of “snow,” the climatological phenomenon by which incredibly small droplets of frozen water, each one unique and infinitesimally defined, fall from the sky.

“OMG SNOW IS HERE SO HAPPY #LetItSnow,” reported Christina Schwartzman (Medill ’16), who by the end of her college career will have suffered over $240,000 in educational costs in order to net herself a successful marketing job, via her Twitter account. This sentiment was contrasted by Weinberg Junior Clark Collins, a young man who will one day found his own Smartphone-based tech startup, who tweeted “Snow already ughhhhh #TooEarly.”

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Sherman Ave Goes One Full Month Without Mayor Tisdahl-Themed Column

5 Nov

EVANSTON, Ill. – As of noon local time today, local college-based humor site and Northwestern cultural touchstone Sherman Ave has not published an article about Elizabeth Tisdahl on its page for one entire month – the longest amount of time ever between Tisdahl-themed articles.

The website, founded by Evander Jones in 2010 that has amassed nearly Continue reading

Sherman Ave Interviews: Renee Engeln-Maddox (Part 1 of 2)

29 Sep

Earlier this summer, Sherman Ave editors Ross Packingham and Sir Edward Twattingworth III interviewed Psychology professor and Allison Hall live-in Renee Engeln-Maddox at Sherman Ave Headquarters.  If any cultural references seem slightly out of date, it’s because that’s what happens when we decide to wait to publish interviews for three months due to reasons.

Renee, shortly after releasing what a terrible, terrible mistake it was to agree to an interview with us.

Renee, shortly after realizing what a terrible, terrible mistake it was to agree to an interview with us.

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Packingham: We noticed you didn’t bring your dog to his interview… Is he gonna make it, or…?

Renee: He’s visiting Grandma right now, actually.

Twattingworth: Well, all of our questions were for him, soooo…

Renee: Oh, do you want me to leave? He doesn’t really know many words, though. Plus he would get dog hair all over your apartment.

Packingham: Probably not the worst thing this apartment has been through.

Twattingworth: This is actually the cleanest it’s looked in weeks.

Renee: This is… Um. You cleaned?

Twattingworth: A lot.

Renee [pointing to where we stashed the beer pong cups]: Meaning you stashed the beer pong cups in a row?

Twattingworth: Well that cup used to be over here.

Packingham: Do you watch Game of Thrones?

Renee: Mhm, I unfortunately got really excited about the new season and I yelled to my Psychopathology class, Continue reading

Sherman Ave Freshman Guide: Burgwell J. Howard

9 Aug

NOC_Burgie_L

Background: Originally a solemn drifter making his way across this great nation’s network of railroad lines, Burgwell J. Howard was converted to Assistant Vice President for Student Engagement in Student Affairs at Northwestern University in 2012 after hearing that his roommate and Eskimo Brother Morton Schapiro could hook him up with a real sweet gig for a few months if he needed some beer money. Burgwell, or “Burgie” as his friends and fellow teamsters affectionately call him, is now a beacon for smile aficionados and hosts the annual university-wide diversity listserv email blast.

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Mayoral Sexting Scandal Strikes Evanston

29 Jul

Evanston, IL–In a shocking turn of events, embedded Sherman Ave reporters have recently uncovered that the mayor of the City of Evanston, Elizabeth Gertrude Tisdahl, has been involved in a tawdry sexting scandal with some of Evanston’s most elite and respected community members. And while much has yet to be discovered, the Pacemaker-nominated researchers at Sherman Ave have been able to access transcripts of several of the exchanges (below).

Disclaimer: The following information is not safe for work. Please proceed with caution.

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Sherman Ave Interviews: Gary Saul Morson

30 Jun

The Sherman Ave Editors Ross Packingham and Sir Edward Twattingworth III sat down with Professor Gary Saul Morson for an interview.  It was in Cosi. Everyone had fun.

He doesn't care, he loves it.

He doesn’t care, he loves it.

Twattingworth: Where are you from?

Morson:  New York.

Twattingworth: Oh.  I think it was Pushkin who called New York the “concrete jungle where dreams are made of.”

Morson:  Oh come on.

Twattingworth: Is that an accurate description of your hometown?

Morson:  Pushkin never said any such thing.

Packingham:  It was either Pushkin or Jay-Z.  I understand you went to Yale?

Morson:  I did.

Packingham:  Is it weird being an alumnus of an institution that most of your students wanted to attend but weren’t smart enough? Continue reading