Tag Archives: Morty

BREAKING: Northwestern Plans to Rename Many Building Acronyms to LGBT

8 May

Evanston, Il.— In response to the anti-gay flyers handed out at Northwestern’s Arch this afternoon, Northwestern University has decided to replace some of Northwestern’s acronyms with acronyms that are more LGBT friendly to show support for Northwestern’s queer students.

Rainbow_flag_and_blue_skies

“We think this flyer situation is Continue reading

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We Will. The Campaign for Northwestern Parody

10 Apr

We Will. The Campaign for Northwestern is an invitation to join together to realize a bold vision for Northwestern.

Maybe someday we’ll get around to offering health services on the weekend, lowering tuition, striving for diversity, providing better mental health resources and ensuring students have safe transportation throughout Evanston.

Maybe someday.

But hey, did you hear about the new athletic complex we’re building??

–Pip Sleazy, Scurvy Jacobson and Lady Keystone

Schapiro Urges Jewish Graduating Seniors to Donate $57.74

27 Mar
(via Northwestern)

(via Northwestern)

Citing the year in the Hebrew calendar and the great importance of giving back to the university, Northwestern President Morty Schapiro asked graduating seniors of Jewish descent to donate $57.74 in an email this morning.

The move was unexpected, as past graduating classes have been asked only to donate according to the year in the Gregorian calendar, recently totaling only about $20. But Schapiro believes it is important for seniors raised in the Jewish tradition to give the extra $37.60.

“More than fundraising, the senior gift is about ensuring the survival of traditions at Northwestern,” said Schapiro in the email, which was sent only to Jewish seniors. “And what better way to honor the Jewish tradition than by identifying yourselves not as the Class of 2014, but as the Class of 5774.”

Added Schapiro, “But also, fundraising.”

Continue reading

Morty Sings Jason Derulo

27 Feb

Ever wanna hear Northwestern President Morton O. Schapiro sing Talk Dirty?  Well, now you can.  Yes this is real.

An Argument for No Northwestern University Classes on Presidents Day

18 Feb
Fuck yeah. (via deviantart)

Fuck yeah. (via deviantart)

In 1776, one country dawned in a time of great uncertainty. The Communists hated the freedoms of this new nation conceived in liberty; the Canadians – the Canadians![1] – would soon go on to defeat this new country in war (twice); the leader of this republic, George Washington, was battling dentures, a vicious, dirty campaign from Frank Underwood (spoiler alert, sorry), and the Germans on the Western Front. But from all of this emerged a beautiful, proud nation. A nation that celebrated its leaders.

Yes, Northwestern University Administration, I am talking about America. And yes, Northwestern University Administration, this nation – OUR nation – beat the odds. From those dark times emerged Continue reading

29 Things that will Happen at Northwestern Just After You Graduate

12 Feb

1) The US News & World Report will rank Northwestern in the Top 10 Best Schools in the Nation.

Opening date: June 21, 2014, THE EXACT MOMENT Commencement ends. (via The Daily Northwestern)

Opening date: June 20 2014, THE EXACT MOMENT Commencement ends. (via The Daily Northwestern)

2) The University will purchase 25 new safe ride cars.

3) The new student center and lakeside athletic facilities will be built literally overnight, complete with sports bar.

4) Morty will commission a Continue reading

The Northwestern Bucket List: A Beginner’s Guide

1 Dec

1. Skinny dip in Lake Michigan

Lake Michigan at Night...SpoOoOoOoOoOoky!!!!!

Lake Michigan at Night…SpoOoOoOoOoOoky!!!!!

You know that scene in a lot of horror movies when the attractive and racially diverse group of rambunctious friends goes to a beach house or a remote cottage near a lake and the two who have the most sexual tension decide to go off alone and go skinny dipping?  And the girl maybe does a striptease and the guy maybe will say something like “you’ve got a killer body” and this is supposed to simultaneously showcase their sinful lust while foreshadowing the impending doom that they deserve as immoral sex-demons.  And then the swamp monster(s)/psycho nerd they once picked on/contrived Final Destination scenario eventually kills them, maybe while they’re playing a sexy game of Marco Polo or something?  Yeah, that totally won’t happen to you. Continue reading

Students Paying $60,000 a Year for Education Able to Correctly Identify Weather Conditions

11 Nov

EVANSTON, Ill. – Students who pay approximately $45,120 a year on college tuition alone proved this afternoon that they have the ability to properly identify the weather condition of “snow,” the climatological phenomenon by which incredibly small droplets of frozen water, each one unique and infinitesimally defined, fall from the sky.

“OMG SNOW IS HERE SO HAPPY #LetItSnow,” reported Christina Schwartzman (Medill ’16), who by the end of her college career will have suffered over $240,000 in educational costs in order to net herself a successful marketing job, via her Twitter account. This sentiment was contrasted by Weinberg Junior Clark Collins, a young man who will one day found his own Smartphone-based tech startup, who tweeted “Snow already ughhhhh #TooEarly.”

Continue reading

University Announces All Future Buildings to be Modeled After Norris Center

9 Nov

EVANSTON, Ill. – Months after first outlining a plan to upgrade parking, student common space and athletic facilities, Northwestern University today announced that the buildings in all of these projects will be modeled directly after the Norris University Center.

Et tu, Brutalist?

“I don’t know that I would say ‘modeled after,” said University President Morton Schapiro. “I would probably say that they are going to be exact replicas. Like, we are building more Norrises. That shit’s literally going to happen.” Continue reading

Sherman Ave Goes One Full Month Without Mayor Tisdahl-Themed Column

5 Nov

EVANSTON, Ill. – As of noon local time today, local college-based humor site and Northwestern cultural touchstone Sherman Ave has not published an article about Elizabeth Tisdahl on its page for one entire month – the longest amount of time ever between Tisdahl-themed articles.

The website, founded by Evander Jones in 2010 that has amassed nearly Continue reading