How To Ruin Halloween

The leaves are changing, footballs are being thrown, clichés are being written, and a Republican Senate candidate is saying stupid things about rape. All the sure signs of a typical fall are here.

And that means one thing: HALLOWEEN. Yes, the night when it is acceptable to pour all the alcohol on your face while dressed up as a Korean pop star is upon us. But there’s a pretty good chance that for most of your life, you’ve been doing Halloween right. That’s a problem.

You don’t want to do Halloween right. You want to do Halloween heinous. For that reason, we’ve compiled a scientific list of the top six ways to absolutely ruin Halloween. Please use them responsibly to ensure that no one has any fun this All Hallows Eve:

1. Find a group and dress as sexy Middle Eastern dictators. For years, the tradition of dressing as a sexy version of a not-sexy
   

   How could this costume NOT be sexy?

   thing has been enshrined in American culture. This is the part where you take it considerably too far. Think of the most hein-daddy Middle Eastern or North African dictator, dress like him, then add boobs. BAM. You’ve ruined Halloween for everyone, now we all have to go sit in a corner with a jar of peanut bar and our self-loathing.

2. Puke on a barn. Phright Night is an annual Halloween party that The Daily once called “a trainwreck of a campus Halloween tradition.” As part of our ongoing feud with The Daily, we’d like to one up them once again by calling it an unthinkable shitstorm of belligerent heinousness. So if you’ve scored a wristband, consider it your duty to make us not be liars for once. Start butt-chugging well in advance to ensure that you’ll be the douche on the bus who dry heaves on that kinda cute girl’s face. Yell about how excited you are to go to Indiana because you’ve never left America before. Ask all the girls in the sexy Muammar Gaddafi costumes if they’re aware of his human rights record. Try to ride the horses. And, most importantly, puke on the barn.
3. Hand out condoms to young trick-or-treaters. Safe sex is great sex!
4.  Be a massive, terrifying Frankenstorm that threatens to tear the East Coast limb from limb.
   

   Who invited this bitch?

   Did you ever see The Day After Tomorrow? Of course you did, it was great. Well that might be about to happen in the most populous part of the greatest nation on Earth. According to scientist-looking people in white lab coats, Hurricane Sandy is the only force more destructive and deadly than Phright Night, and has naturally decided to target the Northeast on Halloween. And while I’ve never been through a violent hurricane that clashes with a ferocious Noreaster to spawn 40 foot hell waves of icy death, my guess is that there is little trick-or-treating done while mankind’s doom bears down on the world.

5. Don’t wear a culturally insensitive costume. OH WAIT, THIS ISN’T HEINOUS. THIS AN UNTHINKABLY FUCKING SIMPLE REQUEST. JESUS.
6. Tell all your friends that out of cultural sensitivity, this year you’re only going to celebrate El Dia de los Muertos. Mispronounce “muertos” every fucking time. Get hammered on hammered on Halloween anyway and tell everyone you’re just celebrating “El Dia Antes del dia los Muertos.”

NATO Sends in Morty to Capture Qaddafi

Able to kill a man with just the touch of his beard

In an effort to solidify rebel control over Libya, NATO leaders announced early this morning that they would send Northwestern President Morton “Morty” Schapiro into the volatile African nation in an effort to capture Colonel Muammar el-Qaddafi.

Although Dr. Schapiro was not available to comment due to a rumored chess-boxing match against Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin, NATO officials expressed their confidence that the grizzled superhero of Evanston could bring the Libyan dictator to justice.

Admiral Giampaolo Di Paola, Chairman of the NATO Military Committee, praised Morty Schapiro — who can name all 31 alternate spellings of the Colonel’s name in 23 seconds — as, “The greatest hope for the Libyan rebellion since the beginning of NATO involvement. At first we considered hunting down Qaddafi with NATO intelligence, reconnaissance assets, and air power, but then we were like

‘Ah, fuck it. Why spend billions of dollars trying to find one measly psychopathic tyrant in the godforsaken desert when we could just send in the single most feared and respected man in the planet to get the job done?”

Military experts around the world have voiced their support for calling in the greatest tactical weapon the United States has possessed since the development of nuclear weapons.

Upon hearing the news, Colonel Qaddafi peed himself. Twice.

“Once Morty’s combat boots hit the ground in Libya, I’d give Qaddafi about 20 minutes until he meets his demise at the sturdy hands of Northwestern’s fierce commander,” said United States Secretary of Defense Leon Panetta, adding, “President Obama and I also have complete faith that Morty will be able to consolidate rebel control over the rest of Libya, set up a stable transitional government in Tripoli, bring freedom of speech to China, improve the American credit rating to an AAAAAAAAAAA+++++++++++ rating, and seduce the entire U.S. Women’s national soccer team before returning home Sunday evening to prepare for the coming school year.”

The NATO announcement also served as a significant morale boost for rebel troops. “Aw HELLZ YEAH!” proclaimed rebel leader Mahmoud Jabril. “We have heard of this man’s deeds all the way in Benghazi. Is it really true that he once arranged a packet full of M&Ms in alphabetical order?”

This will not be the first time that Morty has been deployed to bring peace and justice to the world. Previous missions involving the rugged university President include commanding the SEAL Team Six unit that launched a successful raid on Osama Bin Laden’s compound in Pakistan, invading the island nation of Grenada in 1983 with nothing but his smile and a corkscrew, and the infamous 1978 University of Pennsylvania panty raid.