Tag Archives: mugging

Fiske: Evanston “Too Bright” At Night

15 Mar
Fiske, shortly before joining Mayor Tisdahl to toss confiscated Smirnoff Ice into the Skokie River

Fiske, shortly before joining Mayor Tisdahl to toss confiscated Smirnoff Ice into the Skokie River

EVANSTON — First Ward Alderman Judy Fiske released a statement earlier this morning claiming that the streets of Evanston adjacent to Northwestern University’s campus are just “way too bright at night.”

The statement, which was released by Alderman Fiske from the desk of her retail pet supply store Fit + Frisky! just prior to Fiske phoning the police to report a pair of undergraduates exiting EV1 and sneaking a case of High Life into a backpack, lambasted the Associated Student Government’s recent effort to increase off-campus lighting.

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A Freshman Guide to Not Getting Mugged

28 May

Graphical representation of what the perpetrators probably look like.

So no one told you college was gonna be this way.[1] Your job is, indeed, a joke (who actually studies?! DRINK THE LIQUORZ FER DAYZZZ #YOLO). Your love life, unless you’re a swarthy AEPi brother, is definitely dead on arrival. Northwestern is most certainly not broke (Our endowment is bigger than that time Twattingworth met the Beatles and Jesus and then YOLO’d all over them),[2] but you, hypothetical-and-almost-certainly-not-reading-this reader, are about to be BROKE ASS POOR, because Northwestern is rife with bands of roving armed militiasprobably unarmed youths who will demand your wallet, your Andy’s Custard giftcard, your iPhone, or YOUR LIFE.

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