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Tag Archives: murder

Freshman Realizes Deep Hatred of Roommate

23 Apr

Pictured: The freshman on move-in day, in happier times.

Evanston, Il.- Upon listening to his roommate loudly Skype with his best friend at Cornell for two hours while he was trying to study, Weinberg Freshman Mark Ellis discovered that he actually never liked his roommate.

“He is just a real piece of trash,” Ellis said after coming to terms with his realization. Ellis’s discovery comes after nearly seven months of attempting to be his roommate’s, Medill Freshman Brandon Ruiz’s, best friend.

“All he does is eat Wings Over while playing Continue reading

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The First 13 Ways I Found Out I Wasn’t Normal

10 Apr
(via hangingoutpost.blogspot.com)

(via hangingoutpost.blogspot.com)

1. I enjoy eating alone. With my headphones on. With the song “November Rain” by Guns N’ Roses playing. On repeat. On full volume.

2. When a friend tries to start a conversation with me, my first thought is “This is not how life is supposed to go down. I am supposed to start talking to you. MAKE YOUR FACE STOP SAYING WORDS!” Then I run out of the dining hall because I need to google “how to talk to friends” in order to figure out what I did wrong.

3. When I take a shower, I like to cut off large chunks of my hair because it just doesn’t feel right on my head. Then when people ask if I got a haircut, Continue reading

Network Television Murdered Early Sunday Morning

27 May
1920-2013

1920-2013

Los Gatos, CA – Network Television, a long-loved friend of households both in America and abroad, was violently and tragically murdered.  She was 93.

The killing is believed to have occurred around 2 AM early Sunday morning, during a party at Netflix’s five-story mansion in Los Gatos, according to Los Gatos Chief Officer Henry Hernandez.

Continue reading

Sherman Ave Freshman Guide: Dorm Life

26 Aug

The legendary Tupac Shakur once famously stated, “I didn’t choose the thug dorm life, the thug dorm life chose me.” For several reasons, surviving dorm life can certainly be one of the most difficult challenges you’ll face your freshman year. While some things (ex: People vomiting outside of your room and covering it up with printer paper) are out of your control, the proper knowledge and expectation of what lies ahead can help equip you for a successful year.

Continue reading

Revelations from the News of the World wiretaps

14 Jul

Don't let the jowels deceive you: This man is as evil as he is shrewd

As if the world needed further proof of Ruport Murdoch’s penchant for pure evil, the Master of Misinformation has recently become embroiled in a scandal of heinous proportions. Allegations are swirling that Murdoch’s best-selling tabloid, the News of the World, has widely engaged in illegal phone hacking over the years in order to intercept the voicemails of numerous public figures, including victims of terrorism and murder. Not that we ever held the “News of the Screws” to particularly high ethical levels, but it seems that most Brits expected the tabloid to have developed a slightly higher morality than Nixon. But now, thanks to our shady underworld connections, we have uncovered and poured over the secret trove of the results of nearly 168 years of wiretapping conducted by the News of the World, and are now prepared to share their revelations with the rest of the world:

-Thanks to a loophole in Parliamentary Procedure, Hugh Grant accidentally served as acting Prime Minister for three days in 2008 while Gordon Brown was out sick with the flu.

-Sean Connery cries at the end of Love Actually every time.

-Queen Victoria suffered from a severe schoolgirl crush on Jefferson Davis during his tenure as President of the Confederate States of America.

-John Lennon’s favorite past time during recording sessions was to prank call Scotland Yard and repeatedly ask to speak to “Mike Rotch.”

-Christopher Nolan cannot get to sleep at night without masturbating to at least one of his own movies.

-David Cameron never returns Nick Clegg’s phone calls.

-Gilbert and Sullivan’s comic opera H.M.S. Pinafore was originally conceived as a rock opera chronicling W.S. Gilbert’s forays into England’s Victorian-era sexual underground.

-It took King George VI nearly four months to learn how to correctly say, “Can you can a can as a canner can can a can?”

-The England National Football Team is never as good as the expectations.

-Prime Minister John Major secretly thought that Minister for Magic Cornelius Fudge was a pompous jackass.

-Oasis vocalist Liam Gallagher totally hooked up with Princess Di in the loo of at least 3 different Manchester clubs. Gallagher would later regret breaking their tryst off because it was making him an “emotional wreck.”

-Oscar Wilde spent 97% of his time rehearsing witticisms to drop while mingling in high society.

-Margaret Thatcher’s eyes emit a powerful laser, hot enough to burn a socialist alive in .67 seconds, and bring the Falkland Islands to their knees.

-Harry Potter is still awaiting trial regarding his vigilante form of justice.

-Helena Bonham Carter and husband Tim Burton engage in the strangest sex known to man.

-David Beckham is rumored to play for a soccer club known to some as the “LA Galaxy,” a supposed American professional soccer club and member of the mythical and shadowy organization dubbed the “MLS.”

-Elizabeth II was extraordinarily disappointed when Prince William decided to marry Kate Middleton, citing reports that Pippa Middleton is clearly the hotter of the two.

-Rupurt Murdoch is still a tremendous asshole.