Sherman Ave Interviews: Justin Barbin

If you’ve been to a Northwestern sorority’s formal (ANY sorority), or if you’ve just creepily stalked pictures from any given formal, then you definitely know the name Justin Barbin.  A photographer/entrepreneur/all-around awesome dude, Barbin graduated from Northwestern in 2011, and, after moving back to his hometown of Houston, began to dabble in his longtime hobby of photography.  Flash forward to 3 years later, and Barbin is one of the best-known names at Northwestern – not only for his skills as a photographer, but for his personality, his style, and having a name that is eerily similar to that of Justin Bieber.  Barbin was nice enough to take time out of his very busy schedule to sit down with Sherman Ave travesties Ross Packingham, Prince Giblets, and Felicity Jenkins, and allowed them to ask him a few questions about himself, his passion, and a lot of stupid shit.  Mostly just stupid shit. 

Ross Packingham: So we’ll start with a few questions about your background–

Justin Barbin: Like ethnicity, or…?

Packingham: That isn’t what we had in mind.

Felicity Jenkins: But feel free to answer that as well.

Packingham: So from my understanding, you just popped out of your mother’s womb with a Nikon DSLR in hand.

Barbin: Canon.

Packingham: That’s embarrassing, I didn’t do my research. And there are so many pictures online with the camera. Anyway, is that why she hated you?

Sherman Ave Freshman Guide: How to Use Facebook for Newly Admitted College Students

She did NOT just friend every member of the Class of 2017.

So you just got accepted into your dream college, or your “best fit school,” or your safety school, or the University of Chicago – congratulations! Now that you’ve gotten past this difficult step, there’s only one thing you have to remember: Every single person from these schools’ Facebook groups is watching your every move.

Yes, once you join “___________ University’s Class of 2017” Facebook group, there will be thousands of people going through your past, current, and future Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn, MySpace (yeah, they find it), and Adult FriendFinder posts and pictures. In order to help you navigate this frightening new world, Sherman Ave has compiled a list of dos and don’ts that will provide some insight into how to act in the strange world of stalking.

Disclaimer: Sherman Ave cannot legally promise that these suggestions will help.

6 Reasons We Need to Stop Hugging Each Other

Man-on-Animal hugging is the only form of hugging that should be encouraged.

For the first 11 years of my life, I believed that hugs were rare expressions of affection to be bestowed with frugality on certain occasions. Birthdays? No probs. Visiting Grandma? I got this. Christmas? No sweat. But come 6th grade, when my previously unaffected and guileless BFFs had completed their transformation into cloying and gossipy tweens, I was frustrated by the sudden expectation that I hug people literally all the time. People who I basically knew nothing about suddenly began to greet me as a long-lost sister and expected me to do the same. Meanwhile, my actual friends — who, I imagine, eagerly awaited my annually-bestowed hugs — gradually upped the hugging until it become nothing more than a conditioned response to a familiar face, a mechanical gesture almost entirely devoid of emotion and affection.

Synopsis of my acquisition of the conditioned hug response:

“Thanks for the awesome hair crimper! You always make me feel so special on my birthday. Since it’s the one day out of the whole the year that is officially dedicated to celebrating me, I would very much appreciate one of your rare and much-coveted hugs. Please and thank you.” HUG.

…

“Hey, you! Sure haven’t seen you in these necka the woods for a while. How ya doin’, pal?” HUG.

…

“Why haven’t I seen you since our spelling test this morning??!!! OMIGODSOOOOOMUCHTOTELLYOU.” HUG.

…

“Wait, look at this pic on Myspace.” HUG.

…

“So, how did th— ” HUG.

…

HUG.

…

HUG. HUG. HUG. HUG. HUG.

The madness has got to stop. And here’s why.

1. Hugging. Like… what?
“I am happy to see you. NOW QUICKLY, PRESS YOUR BODY AGAINST MINE.”

This is essentially what a hug translates to. Most people do not seem to think this is weird, even though hugging another person is basically turning yourself into a vertical human mattress. Then you can’t help but wonder how your springiness, firmness, and overall comfort level compare to those of other people. If you ask yourself this question, then you acknowledge that a hug is a fundamentally sensual act. Now a hug seems grossly inappropriate in the context of greeting your uncle, your high school teacher, or that girl you met during March Through the Arch whose name you recall but who is otherwise a foreign entity.

2. We are fueling a world of lies.
Is Glenn Beck really a fun, laid-back type of guy? Is the government hiding aliens from us? Did my friends ever find out that I didn’t actually catch a leprechaun? Is life, in reality, quite different than a box of chocolates? Do my friends secretly despise me, and the only reason I don’t know it is because I am constantly inundated with their duplicitous hugs?

Who knows. Anything could be true in The World of Lies.

3. The expectations are too damn high.
Before I was 12, my hugs were much-sought-after stamps of approval. Receiving one of my hugs was a reward in itself. Nowadays, I’m expected to present people with offerings for merely falling within my field of vision. Next, they’ll want my dog. Or my hummus. We gotta lower these bitches’ standards.

Which reminds me…

Damn socialists.

4. We could be saving dolla dolla bills, y’all.
Trust me on this one — I’m an econ major. If we were to stop hugging each other, the supply of hugs would decrease and the equilibrium value of hugs would rise. It’s that simple! If hugs were worth more, why would we waste our money to show people we care? Take a look at a world where hugs are appreciated, dammit:

“Oh yeah, I did see your bridal registry! Yeah… well you see, the lady who works the register at my Bed Bath and Beyond is suuuuuuuper awkward. Slash I’m pretty sure she is one of those people with weird addictions who eats, like, the foam padding out of bras. So I might not make the trip to get you that set of dinner plates you asked for. But I’d be happy to give you a hug! You’re cool with that, right? Great!!!”

It’s all about the Benjamins, amirite???

5. No more awkward “are we gonna hug” moments.
Whenever I’m not sure if the other person expects a hug, I usually do that thing where I raise my arm in a half-wave, half-potential-one-armed hug, and then leave it to the other person’s interpretation. If they decide to go in for the hug when I’m not ready for it, the hug may produce disastrous results. More often than not, one of my arms is unable to escape. This leaves my bent arm sandwiched between our two bodies, with my fingers unwittingly and creepily stroking the other person’s neck as we pull apart. In general, going in for the hug on such a short notice almost always results in a public display of my lack of doing-normal-people-things skills. On the other hand, if the person opts out of the hug, I’m left with my arm hanging there like a total n00b. It’s lose-lose.

6. No more cooties.

Yep.

Holiday Guide: NU Gift Ideas For Your Favorite Wildcat

A yamaka with Pat Fitzgerald's face on it is also appropriate as a Hanukkah gift

So you’ve got to find gifts for the dorm buddies you’ve known less than four months and the friends you haven’t seen since before you lost your innocence. Or maybe you’ve just gotten your early decision letter* and you’re wondering what else you could possibly want in life. Fear not: Sherman Avenue is committed to delivering you new holiday ideas from our sack full of sassy class.

Fucksaw
Admit it: you have those days. You’re hornier than a two-peckered triceratops, but too tired to go all the way up north to flirt your way into some frat bro’s lovestained man-cave and too classy to booty text your “It’s Complicated” on the fourth floor. Hell, you don’t want to deal with people at all. This is why sex toys exist. Remember: nothing says Wildcat Pride like a decently sized purple drilldo.

A Framed Photo of Yourself
Because who wouldn’t want that? You could even pose like the self-photography of 13-year-old girls whose love for MySpace is only second to love of themselves. If you’re really feeling it, make it a poster — the recipient can put it above their bed and wake up self-gratify themselves to it every morning like they did with their Channing Tatum poster in middle school. But this time, they might even have your fucksaw to help out.

A Framed Photo of Morton Schapiro
See above.

Box O’Fun
Not what it sounds like, and a legit good idea. I’m compiling quotations that are inspiring (“Remember, things are never so bad that they can’t get worse”), dorky (“Is your name Avada Kedavra? Cause you’ve got a killer bod”), mature (“I’M STANDING RIGHT BEHIND YOU…made you look”) and thoughtful (“Can I borrow your hair straightener?”). I’m putting them with candy in a small tasteful storage container names-in-a-hat style, and instructing my BFF to draw a quotation every time she needs to de-stress or procrastinate.

Gift Card to Burger King
Let’s be real: after Willard dining hall, this is your friend group’s second-most-patronized food acquisition area in Evanston. Late-night drunchies? Weekend Hinman’s too busy? You give someone the gift of free burgers, and they’re gonna use it.

Would you like that gift rapped?

A Frat Bro
So what if your homegirl’s not rushing? You might still consider getting a talented PMA bro to serenade her. May I recommend Flight of The Conchord’s classic ditty, “Most Beautiful Girl in the Room.”** Because sometimes, we all need our fucksaws to have faces.

Cookies
No matter how incredible hot cookie bar can be, nothing compares to homemade peanut blossoms. Nothing.

Another legit idea: “Cookie mix in a jar.” You’ve seen it. Someone gives out a jar/bag/mug of dry ingredients and lets the recipient do the messy work. But it’s cute.

A Stripper
Give me one reason why not. I dare you.

The Love Professor will see you now

Professor J. Reginald Vandernips
Women love him. Men love him. Parents, pets, and children of all ages love him. He knows more about cooking than Rachel Ray and Martha Stewart put together, regularly fielding obscure questions regarding food science and practicing his skills. He’s slept under lecture tables in Tech and licked objects labeled “biohazardous.” If there is one thing on this list that you choose to purchase for your wildcat, let it be Professor Reggie V.

Keep your friends close and your heinousness closer.

——————————————————————————————————————————
*In which case, CONGRATS!
**Ellie K once had an overnight tryst with a boy who sang her that very song. However, contrary to what one might expect, the full-length serenade did not facilitate the hookup, but rather transpired a significant amount of time later in a location where she was quite literally The Only Girl in the Room. She’s never been quite sure what to make of that.