NAMBLA Applauds CPS’s Achievement in Screwing Kids

CHICAGO-Pandemonium reigned today when a meeting between Chicago Mayor Rahm Emanuel and officials from Chicago Public Schools was interrupted by a group of supporters from the National Man Boy Love Association (NAMBLA).

“Yeah!” The assembled 37 ‘Lovers of Young Men’ shouted. “Give it to those kids!”

The NAMBLAites reported that they were at the meeting to express their support for the Mayor’s decision to recently close 50 Chicago schools. Local Chicago NAMBLA spokesman Joseph Fridbaker stated: “I’ve never seen anybody fuck so many kids at once. I mean, we’re talking thousands. It really is a remarkable achievement.”

Incompetent Student Joins 90-Minute Club

EVANSTON – Sources report that McCormick freshman Aaron Butler proudly joined the famed “90-Minute Club” earlier this evening after experiencing a bout of uncontrollable vomiting, defecation, and sneezing that forced him to drop out of Dance Marathon after a mere hour and a half of dancing.

Butler beamed fervently as he recounted the incident that led to his ejection from the DM tent, starting with a hefty late lunch at Edzo’s Burger Shop only 3 hours before Dance Marathon began.  Butler cited this as the catalyst for not only the “mad case of the runs,” but also the “jetstream of wretch” that bystanders estimated at a velocity of 15 miles an hour.