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Tag Archives: Names

5 Spectacularly Awful Sci–Fi/ Fantasy Character Names

12 Dec

Science fiction and fantasy are interesting genres in that they encourage narratives free from association with real–world logic, philosophy, or science. Pretty much anything goes in the land of lightsabers and lazerbeams, and that type of liberal mentality can encourage the worst creative tendencies in otherwise talented writers, especially when it comes to something as simple––and seemingly trivial––as naming characters.

I, along with many others, went to go see The Hunger Games: Catching Fire over Thanksgiving break, and while I enjoyed the movie, I found myself spit–taking my liquid popcorn butter frequently as straight–faced actors called each other things like “Effie Trinket” or “President Coriolanus (Ha! Anus!) Snow.”

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If The Name of Every Kentucky Derby Horse Was A Sexual Maneuver

4 May

Surprisingly, only one of these involves sexual intercourse with a horse.

With the Kentucky Derby little more than a day away, Ross Packingham and Parrty Cat sat down to combine their three greatest passions in life: gambling, horses, and sex.

Optimizer – A woman uses a vibrating Transformer to provide herself with sexual stimulation.

Take Charge Indy – A woman engages in sexual intercourse with Ron Artest and Peyton Manning simultaneously.

Union Rags – A man ejaculates into a pile of rags, and proceeds to throw the rags at people participating in a labor strike.

Rousing Sermon – Two people engage in sexual intercourse while the man reads excerpts from Jonathan Edwards’ “Sinners in the Hands of an Angry God.”

Dullahan – Named after the sexual stylings of the famous Irish general Sean Dullahan, this move consists of a threesome involving Michael Flatley, Lord of the Dance.

Creative Cause – Two people find a very creative reason to engage in sexual intercourse, such as Maundy Thursday or the anniversary of John F. Kennedy Jr.’s death.

Trinniberg – A woman engages in sexual intercourse with Trinniberg, a racehorse.

Daddy Nose Best – A father sexually stimulates his daughter and her friends using only his nose.

Bodemeister – Two people engage in sexual intercourse in the presence of Olympic athlete Bode Miller in a pool of Jaegermeister.

Alpha – A man gathers a group of 24 Greek women, and engages in sexual intercourse with the one whose name is first alphabetically.

Daddy Long Legs – Someone beat us to the punch.

Prospective – Popular on college campuses, this maneuver consists of a college student engaging in sexual intercourse with a high school junior or senior visiting said college.

Went the Day Well – Any series of sexual acts that begins at sunrise and continues through nightfall without pause.

Hanson – Two people engage in sexual intercourse while listening to “Mmm Bop” on loop.

Gemologist – A man engages in sexual intercourse with a woman, then proceeds to study the science of natural and artificial gems and gemstones.

El Padrino – Spanish for “The Sponsor,” this maneuver consists of intercourse sponsored by a large institution, like Chuck E. Cheese or ASPCA.

Bonus points if you hit the hat.

Done Talking – In this maneuver, the woman stops talking; this is one of the most difficult sexual maneuvers to achieve successfully.

Sabercat – A female gets gangbanged by the entire San Jose Sabercats arena football team.

I’ll Have Another – This one should be relatively self-explanatory.

Liaison – Two men communicate with one another by ejaculating messages onto a woman’s chest and sending her back and forth to convey the messages.

My Adonis – A man goes into a kid’s maze full of mirrors and masturbates for as long as possible before getting arrested.

Ross Packingham and Parrty Cat