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BREAKING: Bruce Springsteen Not to Perform at A&O Blowout Just Like Fucking Last Year

24 Sep

The Boss, delivering an awe-inspiring show somewhere fucking other than Welsh-Ryan Arena.

EVANSTON, IL — Just like fucking last year, Rock and Roll icon and American legend Bruce Springsteen will not perform next month at A&O Blowout, University President Morton Schapiro announced during this morning’s freshman convocation.

The annual fall concert, which for yet another year will not feature the single greatest live performer that has ever graced God’s green Earth, will be held Oct. 12 at Welsh-Ryan Arena.

According to eyewitness accounts, the announcement was delivered by a visibly dejected President Schapiro.

“I had really been hoping to give this Class of 2016 something special. An unforgettable night of passionate heartland rock anthems dedicated to the unsung heroes of American life, coupled with soulful explorations of the vast and promising New Jersey night and delivered by the heart-stopping musical might that is the E-Street band,” read President Schapiro listlessly. “But now, just like so many goddamn years before, I have to sit here and say that instead of providing you with the most mind-blowing concert experience of your lives, those douchemuffins at A&O went out and got a past-his-prime hip hop artist and some fucking indie taint band who play that one song that was covered on Glee.”

Added Schapiro, “Fuck me.”

Although archival research indicates that although A&O Productions claims to bring top-notch large-scale programming since its inception in 1969, not once have they fucking brought Bruce Springsteen to perform at A&O Blowout. The student group has come under increased pressure ever since failing to bring Prince and the Revolution to the 2007 A&O Spring Ball.

Childish Gambino will headline this year’s show, which will be noticeably void of The Boss’s manically energetic stage presence, poignant lyrics chronicling the faith and disappointment engendered by the American dream, or crotch-first power slides.