Cosmo’s 7 Tips for a Sexy Thanksgiving

I’d hit that.

Thanksgiving is a time for family and togetherness, but it’s also a time for loving. Check out some our top tips for making your Thanksgiving the sexiest one yet.

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Sherman Ave Interviews: Morty Schapiro

The Sherman Ave Editors (Evander Jones, Ross Packingham and Sir Edward Twattingworth III) sat down with Northwestern University President Morty Schapiro for an interview.  Why he agreed to let us do this, we may never know, but we sure are happy he did.

“I’m allergic to cats.”

Packingham: If you could make a drink called “The Morty,” what would it entail?

Morty: Oh man. Like an alcoholic drink?

Twattingworth: Wow, interesting that your mind went there.

Morty: Yeah… Well, you know when I drink, like last night–this is really exciting–but one-third orange juice, two-thirds Perrier.

Packingham: Perrier? Is that vodka? Or rum?

Morty: And they have to give me this much wine so I can hold it to pretend I’ll drink it, but I’m not a wine drinker. I like beer when I have Asian food. I like Thai beer, or Japanese beer or something.

Packingham: Like a Budweiser?

Morty: I don’t think I’ve ever had one of those. So I’m not big on like American

#GetFuckedIllini

Fitz, representing the sexual domination to come.

Dear Illini,
Get Fucked.

Tomorrow is a momentous day for the State of Illinois. No, to our knowledge Oprah won’t be returning her show to Chicago. And no, Rockford will not be ceded to Wisconsin. This Saturday marks something far more special: Northwestern’s physical and mental obliteration of the Illinois Fighting Illini for the vaunted Land of Lincoln Trophy.

On Columbus Day

Columbus valiantly raping native lands so future government employees could get a sweet three day weekend

You know that feeling you get when you wake up on Christmas morning? Or, for Jewish readers, that feeling you get when you wake up on Tax Day? Well, when my alarm went off at 10 this morning, I woke up with a very similar feeling. The sun was shining, the birds were chirping, and – most importantly – it was Columbus Day!

First celebrated in the superlative state of Colorado in 1906, Columbus Day is the quintessential American holiday. While Christmas has too many European influences to be American, Halloween’s partnership with obesity makes it too specific to the Deep South, and the 4th of July is too close to Canada Day to be truly American, Columbus Day stands for all the true American values: land-snatching, tribe-subjugating, civilization-founding, and boats. It would be preposterous for our nation not to wholly dedicate this day to the recognition of our nation’s pure and righteous heritage. And yet – somehow, Northwestern University neglected to cancel classes today.

How can we honor the man when we can't even blow up an inflatable Charlie Brown to the size of Columbus' ego?

There are two reasonable conclusions to draw from this abominable crime. First, one could presume that Northwestern University lacks a fundamental respect for American culture and history. However, there is nearly limitless evidence disproving this theory – the least of which being a timeless photograph of heavily intoxicated Northwestern students reenacting the iconic “Crossing the Delaware” painting in a rural barn.

Therefore, the only plausible conclusion left is that Northwestern – and many other institutions that don’t fully recognize this sacred day (*cough* SOUTH DAKOTA *cough*) – fears that a grandiose celebration of Columbus Day might “offend” people like “Native Americans.” My response to this? Don’t let the myth of “political correctness” get in the way of celebrating our nation’s manifest destiny. We can just solve things the easy way: If the “indigenous” peoples are offended by our holidays, just offer them some basic incentives. Perhaps they would go for a summer home in Oklahoma? If that’s not enough, we could throw in paid travel expenses to seal the deal.

The man sure as fuck didn't spark genocide and imperialism for this "no school" shit.

In retaliation to this unspeakable trend of political correctness, I encourage all readers to act in the most Columbian way possible. Spread your syphilis to as much of your community as you can. Paint “Santa Maria” on the side of your car and trespass on every property you see. Govern the Dominican Republic. Some may call you irrational and most will just call you an asshole, but I will call you a patriot and a role model.