Breaking: NATO Representatives to Attend Dillo Day

Moments after the NATO leadership announced its decision to shotgun in the bathroom before heading to breakfast.

Although the NATO Summit wrapped up this afternoon, dozens of leaders from various NATO member countries will be sticking around the Chicagoland area until Saturday to “throw down” at Northwestern University’s annual music festival and renowned shitshow, Dillo Day.

Among some of the most well-known representatives attending the day-rage will be Afghan President Hamid Karzai, British Prime Minister David Cameron, and even President Obama, not to mention the leaders of 31 other NATO members and ISAF contributors.

“Although we all agreed that the summit in Chi-town was one of the most important diplomatic forums of the year, many Heads of State as well as the international press corps simply could not resist the prospect of challenging the former Warsaw Pact to a keg race before stumbling to the lakefill to catch the last five minutes of Big Boi’s set,” stated NATO Secretary General Anders Fogh Rasmussen, prior to a meeting with Pakistani President Asif Ali Zardari regarding the opening up of supply lines to sneak Jim Beam onto the lakefill.

“I mean, right after we all decided to withdraw from Afghanistan faster than a Beta inside a slampiece, Franky [French President François Hollande] was all like ‘Dude, Reel Big Fish were like my third worst guilty pleasure in high school’ and a motion was quickly approved by the military alliance to totally cruise the lakefill, maybe pick up a tan and some biddies, and just get fucking heinous. #YOLO, amirite!?”

The announcement has many Northwestern authorities on alert due to the increased public scrutiny and difficulties that arise from hosting so many high-ranking government officials at one shitshow.

What do we want? KATY PERRY!!!

Students have been advised to expect delays in Shuttle and Saferide services as belligerent diplomats and their motorcades navigate from pregame to pregame, and all females have been warned to stay a safe distance from any Italian diplomat. Dean of Students Burgwell Howard also sent out an email to the student body pleading that students “Please, please, pretty fucking please just play it cool around the Ghanaian delegation.”

Although some experts predict that scores of protestors will also attend the event, other analysts remain confident that the students will be far too schwasted to take valuable time away from belting “Break Even” down Sheridan Road to mount a serious protest. Yet the University is taking several measures to heighten security, most notably trebling the size of the Northwestern police segue presence in an effort to ensure that no cabinet minister unaffiliated with the University is robbed of their cell phone.

When asked about the presence of NATO member nations at Dillo Day this year, most students remained nonplussed. “NATO Summit?” asked Chad Hartwicke Cunningham III (Comm ’13), “Is that one of the bands playing this year? I’ve never heard of them. I’m not really into that hipster shit.”

NATO Sends in Morty to Capture Qaddafi

Able to kill a man with just the touch of his beard

In an effort to solidify rebel control over Libya, NATO leaders announced early this morning that they would send Northwestern President Morton “Morty” Schapiro into the volatile African nation in an effort to capture Colonel Muammar el-Qaddafi.

Although Dr. Schapiro was not available to comment due to a rumored chess-boxing match against Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin, NATO officials expressed their confidence that the grizzled superhero of Evanston could bring the Libyan dictator to justice.

Admiral Giampaolo Di Paola, Chairman of the NATO Military Committee, praised Morty Schapiro — who can name all 31 alternate spellings of the Colonel’s name in 23 seconds — as, “The greatest hope for the Libyan rebellion since the beginning of NATO involvement. At first we considered hunting down Qaddafi with NATO intelligence, reconnaissance assets, and air power, but then we were like

‘Ah, fuck it. Why spend billions of dollars trying to find one measly psychopathic tyrant in the godforsaken desert when we could just send in the single most feared and respected man in the planet to get the job done?”

Military experts around the world have voiced their support for calling in the greatest tactical weapon the United States has possessed since the development of nuclear weapons.

Upon hearing the news, Colonel Qaddafi peed himself. Twice.

“Once Morty’s combat boots hit the ground in Libya, I’d give Qaddafi about 20 minutes until he meets his demise at the sturdy hands of Northwestern’s fierce commander,” said United States Secretary of Defense Leon Panetta, adding, “President Obama and I also have complete faith that Morty will be able to consolidate rebel control over the rest of Libya, set up a stable transitional government in Tripoli, bring freedom of speech to China, improve the American credit rating to an AAAAAAAAAAA+++++++++++ rating, and seduce the entire U.S. Women’s national soccer team before returning home Sunday evening to prepare for the coming school year.”

The NATO announcement also served as a significant morale boost for rebel troops. “Aw HELLZ YEAH!” proclaimed rebel leader Mahmoud Jabril. “We have heard of this man’s deeds all the way in Benghazi. Is it really true that he once arranged a packet full of M&Ms in alphabetical order?”

This will not be the first time that Morty has been deployed to bring peace and justice to the world. Previous missions involving the rugged university President include commanding the SEAL Team Six unit that launched a successful raid on Osama Bin Laden’s compound in Pakistan, invading the island nation of Grenada in 1983 with nothing but his smile and a corkscrew, and the infamous 1978 University of Pennsylvania panty raid.