Type #6: The Guy Who Is Leader of the Free World
March Madness is back and everyone cares about College Basketball again for one month. Watching is more fun when something is on the line, though, and millions of people bought in to NCAA bracket pools this year. Most of them won’t win, but almost all of them “basically should have won, except they changed this one thing at the last minute.” Not every participant is the same, though, and there are a few groups that they fit into: Continue reading
(via chicagosidesports.com)
As much as it pains me to say it, I don’t think that the good old Cardiac ‘Cats have a Nebraskan hail mary’s chance of making The Grandaddady of Them All. Unfortunately, there are more impediments blocking Northwestern from making the Rose Bowl than there are ways for NU to lose a game, but these three sticking points immediately jump out to me as reasons Northwestern doesn’t have a chance to make this New Year’s Tournament of Roses:
When I think of this football season, I think of the proverbial Sweet 16th birthday in which nothing went according to plan. The one where you invited all the right people, planned all the right activities — maybe even picked up a six-pack of O’Douls — and yet, despite your best laid plans, the shit still somehow hit the fan. In fact, the fan-shit encounter wasn’t even benign enough that we could clean it up with Windex and some elbow grease. We’re talking a full-blown, weird-kid-in-kindergarten level of shit splatter, as if Quentin Tarantino were invited to direct the sequel to 2 Girls 1 Cup (presumably titled 3 Girls, 1 cups). Continue reading
It’s official, Wildkittens — Gameday is coming to Evanston to nationally air the Northwestern Wildcats beating the An Ohio State University Buckeyes. It’s our job as students to prove that we do, in fact, have people rooting for us to win this game who aren’t just Michigan fans. We MUST have a decent fanbase in purple, not just in “beat fucking An Ohio State” shirts.
This.
This game is finally our chance to prove to the football-watching nation that our school is not, in fact, in Boston. This is our chance to finally differentiate our school from Kim and Kanye’s offspring. No, we are not a Hitchcock movie either. This is our day to get drunk and pretend like we have school spirit year-round. Grab your purple face-paint, cat-ears headbands, fla-bongos of Skol, and get ready for the biggest shitshow of the season. Let’s show the nation what NerdWasted is all about! There will be some saddddd cheerleaders and band members if the fan section isn’t getting rowdy and growling.
Cheerleaders are sad because they don’t get to pregame by doing the alcohol.
So, my fellow HeinousCats, here are the official rules of how to get shitfaced for ESPN’s Gameday in Evanston:
Wake Up.
Turn Up.
Go fucking ‘Cats.
You’re fucking adults, you don’t need a “game” to force you to get hammered FOR GAMEDAY. C’mon. Put that 35 composite ACT score to use with some common-drinking-sense that ESPN needs to see some hot biddies downing shots on the lakefill.
Once upon a time there was a student who couldn’t name a single player on her university’s football team. Once upon a time there was a high school recruit sitting at the kitchen table with his parents, comparing the merits of Michigan, Ohio State, and Wisconsin. Once upon a time there was a fanbase that Continue reading
This guy.
Sherman Ave editors Evander Jones, Ross Packingham, and Sir Edward Twattingworth III sat down with senior Northwestern guard Reggie Hearn, who was kind enough to talk to us about all things basketball, NU, and heinous.
Evander: So how’s spring quarter going?
Reggie: It’s going a little too tough for my senior spring quarter than I’d like. But it’s practically over now. Dillo Day’s in six days. Everything’s in a rush, I’m not really worried about anything.
Sir T-worth: Speaking of Dillo Day, we have some Dillo related questions for you. Do you have any personal Dillo traditions? In other words, what shots do you take and when do you take them?
Reggie: Well, you guys might be surprised to know that my freshman year Dillo Day was the first time I drank ever. So I started off, my first shot ever was just a regular Smirnoff at 8 in the morning. I don’t know if I have any Dillo traditions, but one we started last year is me and my roommate Austin, we just rent a tandem bike at Norris, and that’s our transportation. I thought that we would have a little bit more trouble riding it than we did, but it was fine.
Dear Assistant Coach at a high-profile Division I university,
I’m writing to invite you to interview for the Northwestern basketball coaching vacancy. Now, before you ask, NU is not in the Northwest quadrant of the country, nor is it that school in Boston. And yes, we do have a basketball team.
Your familiarity with the Wildcats’ program may stem entirely from picking us to lose early in your office NIT pool the last couple of years, but we have a lot more to offer than a potential trip to Madison Square Garden every once in a while.
We are, after all, Chicago’s Big Ten Team, which proves a huge advantage in recruiting the city’s top prospects. Check out our roster. We nabbed an occasionally useful back-up center from Chi-City and have totally cornered the Naperville market.
You’ll recruit out-of-state by pitching NU as the best academic school in the Big Ten.
Carmody, upon realizing Edzo’s is closed on Mondays.
On a scale of 1 to fired, Bill Carmody is like a fucking 12. I just needed to get that off my chest. I mean, GODDAMN was he fucked. You know that part in the first Harry Potter book when our three heroes walk in on that crazy, three-headed dog by accident? And they look up and they’re all like, “Oh, shiiit.” That’s Carmody. Except he isn’t magic and the door just locked behind him.
As an avid Carmody supporter, I really don’t want to use this space to talk about whether he SHOULD HAVE been fired. Because like lets be real boy was going to get fired. Did you watch any part of last season? No? I mean, exactly my point.
His Greatness, doing his best Brian Kelly impression.
MIAMI — According to witnesses at the Pearly Gate, His Almighty was reportedly overheard giggling fervently as the final seconds ticked down on Notre Dame’s crushing 42-14 NCAA BCS Championship defeat.
God, in all his righteous omniscience and everlasting mercy, had a really good chuckle as Nick Saban’s Alabama Crimson Tide rolled easily to their third national championship in four seasons. The loss, which signifies that maybe there truly is a Higher Power watching over us all to benevolently protect His helpless flock from the pompous self-aggrandizement and arrogant delusion that characterize Notre Dame football fans, has sent shockwaves across the theological community.
Sherman Ave 
