Tag Archives: Nebraska

2013 Bowl Game Predictions

31 Dec

Sherman Ave’s premiere sports authorities (like the store: Sports Authority #ad) Samwise Donkenstein and Manua Hiki-Hiki, have come together to give their predictions for 2013’s biggest bowl games. Plan your crippling gambling addictions accordingly.

Chick-Fil-A Gays Are The Worst Bowl: Duke vs. Texas A&M

Manua Hiki-Hiki: In a turn of events not even the assholes at Duke’s Fuqua (pronounced: Fuck You) School of Business could’ve predicted, Mike Krzyzewski’s some guy’s Duke Blue Devil football team that apparently exists and isn’t just a camp for the basketball team, will be taking on Johnny Football and the Texas A&M Agatha Christies (a.k.a Aggies) in The Chick-Fil-A Intolerance Bowl.

Duke, up until a 45-7 throttling by Florida State in ACC Championship Game, had been on course for one of their best seasons in many years. However, their luck is likely to only get worse in the Honestly I Always Assumed Chick-Fil-A Was Full of Bigots Bowl. With their leading rusher Jela Duncan suspended for “an undisclosed violation of its academic policy,” otherwise known as cheating, Duke will be even further disadvantaged in an already mismatched contest against Texas A&M.

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Point/Counterpoint: Will Northwestern make the Rose Bowl?

7 Dec
(via chicagosidesports.com)

(via chicagosidesports.com)

POINT

by Evander Jones

As much as it pains me to say it, I don’t think that the good old Cardiac ‘Cats have a Nebraskan hail mary’s chance of making The Grandaddady of Them All. Unfortunately, there are more impediments blocking Northwestern from making the Rose Bowl than there are ways for NU to lose a game, but these three sticking points immediately jump out to me as reasons Northwestern doesn’t have a chance to make this New Year’s Tournament of Roses:

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The John Evans Curse

17 Nov

Anyone who has followed Northwestern’s football team this year knows that there is an invisible, intangible and entirely irreversible curse working against them. That’s not to say that the team should be 9-0 (there has been some less-than-stellar playing all around), but something is clearly afoot. It simply cannot be denied after losing to Ohio State because of a controversial spot on 4th and 1, losing to Iowa in overtime, losing to Nebraska because of a 50-yard Hail Mary touchdown with 4 seconds left, and now losing to Michigan on a last-second haphazard field goal that couldn’t even happen in Madden 2014. Continue reading

If Every Big Ten School Were A Parks And Rec Character

22 Oct

University of Illinois as Jean-Ralphio

“Technically I’m homelessss.”

Both are broke, but they still manage to have a good time anyways. Got off on a technicalllllityyy!

Indiana University as Continue reading

Samwise Donkenstein’s Preseason Top 5 Feelings About This Year

24 Aug
The 6th Feeling is Swag

The 6th Feeling is Swag

It is my own misfortune, and indeed the misfortune of many reading this article, to have (mostly) unwittingly chosen a life of suffering and self-torture. I can’t ask for sympathy, I did this to myself, and I can’t ask most humans to understand my situation; how could you, being either outside the realm of fandom or lucky enough to root for a team by some other name?

I am an invested, devoted, fervent fan of the Northwestern Wildcats, and only a select few people to have ever walked this Earth truly know what that is like.

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An Open Letter to Final Papers

5 Dec
Can't tell if she is stressed about finals or just got fingered by Wolverine.

Can’t tell if she is stressed about finals or just got fingered by Wolverine.

Okay, this has gone far enough.

You can ask anyone I know, I am a man of my word. When I lose a bet to my friends, I pay up. When I promise my older step-brother that I’ll do his chores if he would please just finally tell me what a dingleberry is, I do his chores. And I recognize that you and I made a pact a few months ago. I told you that I would write you, and Mephistopheles was there, and then we went on this crazy flying journey; it was eerily like the story of Faust.

Being that I am a man of my word, I will do as I have promised. I will go to the University Library, check out a bunch of giant books with frayed covers, and leaf through them to find keywords and phrases that will assist me in writing you in the most bullshit-heavy manner possible. But not before I give you a piece of mind. So here goes.

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An Open Letter To The Capital One Bowl

29 Nov

Dear Capital One Bowl,

Well hey there. We’re Northwestern. Never heard of us before? That’s okay, we’re pretty new to the “relevant” part of college football town.

We heard you were thinking about asking us to come to your bowl game. As a school that doesn’t ever get invited to The Dance, that really meant a lot to us. We know you have a lot on your mind, but we thought we might just stop by with a few things to think about when you’re making your decision.
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Sucks to Shuck: #GetFuckedNebraska

19 Oct

“Slash and Cut” isn’t always what you think it means…

“Nebraska, I love you.”
-Lady Gaga

“Holy fuck this place blows.”
-Everybody else

There’s a gentle wind rolling over the Nebraskan prairie. If you stop and listen long enough, in between the roar of an engine escaping the state on I-76 and the soul-crushing desolation echoing over endless fields of corn, you can sometimes make out what the wind is whispering. Would you like to know what the wind says?

Get fucked Nebraska.

Yes Nebraska. The time has come once again for your beloved football team to get shucked in the cornhole.

Come Saturday evening, the Northwestern Wildcats will fuck you in the Lil’ Red. And we don’t mean your mascot, who happens to have a lower BMI than 78% of your state.

The game will be even more of an embarrassment than Bill Callahan’s tenure. Don’t say we didn’t warn you when Taylor Martinez gets obliterated like the 15 Plains Indian tribes indigenous to your shithole taint of a state. And your blackshirt defense? Expect for Venric Mark to obliterate it like the Kansas-Nebraska Act decimated national unity.

To be honest, we’re kind of surprised that you’re coming back for more after we fucked you so spectacularly last year. We would have thought Husker coach Ron Brown would have said something about the Kain Colter-induced sodomy he had to witness in Lincoln.

Having spent multiple hours in absolute hell the municipality of North Platte, Nebraska, I feel fully qualified in saying that your state deserves what will be it’s greatest disappointment since, well, last year. Seriously, any state that has a unicameral legislature and repeatedly lost to the University of Colorado has this coming. Especially when your greatest claim to fame is being the source for the title track of the eighth best  Bruce Springsteen album.

Have you ever slapped yourself in the face with an Omaha Steak? Because the resulting bruise is a pretty decent approximation of what Chi Chi Ariguzo’s saltstick will leave on your collective backfield tomorrow.

Prepare to be fucked like William Jennings Bryan in… everything really. We understand that your two main exports are tumbleweed and flatness, but hopefully you’ll be able to scrap enough money together to get drunk and listen to Bright Eyes to help you feel better about getting so entirely fucked by the real NU.

Get fucked Nebraska.

20 People Who Accomplished More Than Me Before They Were 20

9 Nov

This cupcake symbolizes the defeat of teenage pregnancy

So this weekend I turned 20. The celebration was excellent, and the weekend was replete with friends, family, Lupe Fiasco, inexplicable football victories, a seemingly insurmountable stockpile of baked goods, and innumerable abuses of new Sherman Ave writers-to-be. But at some point during the frivolities, somewhere in between heinifying the Shakespeare Gardens and shouting Taylor Martinez-related obscenities on the El, I was struck by the realization that I had suddenly graduated from being merely a teenager into the vaunted world of the 20-something.

Now, I’d like to think that I fit into the 20-something club quite nicely. I publish self-indulgent blog posts, live in dire fear of missing a party, and am woefully unemployed. I vote Democrat and laugh at the word “clitoromegaly.” I buy records on vinyl, wear flannel, and spend an obscene proportion of my income at either BK or EV1, which suits me just fine. I fervently and irrationally believe that Steve Kerr was one of the most important guards in NBA history, and will be a drain on society in general for the next five years or so. Needless to say, I play a good deal of Sporcle and Civilization IV.

This 20-something is a Starbucks barista and staff writer for Thought Catalog

Besides being a great excuse to drink Andre and treat my friends as dutiful subjects to the Birthday Boy for a day, turning 20 is also a good milestone to size up the accomplishments and failures of my life. Even if I never played first base for the White Sox or fronted a touring rock n roll band, I’d like to think I’ve accomplished a fair deal, including roadtripping to LA and founding the most atrocious blog known to the greater Chicagoland area. But no matter what I’ve done, here are the 20 people who accomplished so much more than I could ever dream of before they were even able to legally drink in Japan.

1. Beyoncé’s Unborn Baby
That fetus was still only 5 months old when it garnered 8,868 tweets a minute at the MTV Music Video Awards. To be honest, the only time I can ever hope to gain that much recognition in social media is if Ross Packingham mentions me in one of his status updates. The progeny of Ms. Knowles and Mr. Z will almost certainly emerge from the womb with more talent, beauty, and hedge fund investments than five generations of Rees’ will be able to amass. If this kid doesn’t have a hit single by the time she’s 7, Amy Winehouse will turn over in her grave.

Jesus getting hammered, like a proper 20-something

2. Jesus
Although by the time he was 20 the God the Son incarnated hadn’t quite gotten around to teaching the word of God, performing miracles, or founding the Church, he was at least gainfully employed, which is much better than I can say for myself. You can rest assured that the Messiah was a really fucking good carpenter, as evidenced by his prominent position on Wikipedia’s “Notable Carpenters” list.

3. Harry Potter
Defeat He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named? Check. Graduate school? Check. Bang a butterface ginger? Check. The kid did it all, which is even more impressive considering that he never once succumbed to the distraction of working alongside Emma Watson.

I'm going to grow up to do WHAT???

4. Michael Jackson
Despite being born in the eternal hellhole of Gary, Indiana, MJ quickly rose to prominence. At the age of eight, a time when I was mostly concerned about training my Bulbasaur and watching The Bachelor when my Mom wasn’t home, the kid was opening for stripteases with the Jackson 5. If the vocal talent wasn’t enough, he also sported the greatest afro any prepubescent boy ever possessed.

5. Koko the Gorilla
It took me nearly two years to master elementary Spanish, but this adorable ape mastered American Sign Language and English in a few short years. She also had a kitten, and apparently assaulted more women than Herman Cain, both of which prove her superiority to me.

Morty as a child

6. Morton “Morty” Owen Schapiro
The man could grow a full grown beard in first grade in the same time it took me to read a page of Good Night Moon. But for a more complete examination of his exploits in the early years of this man’s life, I suggest you reference Chloe Woodhouse’s expose on the legend himself.

7. Macaulay Culkin
This kid was uglier than what I imagine Steve Buscemi to have looked like as a child, and yet he was still fucking boss. Not only did he single-handedly defeat Joe Pesci in the highest grossing comedy of all time, he also got to live the life of the richest boy in the world as the son of the founder of Rich Industries. The icing on the cake: Mila Kunis.

She also accomplished scaring the living shit out of me as a child

8. Matilda
So smart she could develop telekinetic abilities with the unused part of her brain, she was able to defeat Miss Trunchbull and form a happy, loving family with Miss Honey all before graduating elementary school. Although I don’t think I’ll ever be able to forgive her for the nightmares I suffered after watching the chokey scene.

9. Willow Smith
This video has over 64 million views. The most popular video I ever starred in was of me doing the “Single Ladies” dance in my senior year econ class. Either there’s something wrong with America, or I just got my ass handed to me by a 10-year-old. Or both.

He also managed to get arrested before me.

10. Bill Gates
By the end of sophomore year, the nerd had set a record for the fastest algorithm produced in his Harvard combinatorics class that stood for 30 years. Then he founded Microsoft. By the end of my sophomore year, I intend to have decided upon a concentration and get Sherman Ave to generate enough revenue to pay for beer.

11. Jane Austen
The woman had written most of Sense and Sensibility and Pride and Prejudice before she turned 20. Not that I really care about the morals, scandals, and marriages of the early 19th Century landed gentry of England, but I’d just about die if Colin Firth ever portrayed one of my characters. Just saying, he’d make a great Sir Edward Twattingworth III.

12. Peter the Great
Dude was 10 when he became Tsar. During his reign he transformed Russia from a freezing, backward, and destitute rural society into a 5,000,000-square-mile freezing, backward, and destitute society. All while suffering from epilepsy.

Despite a lack of physical presence, he still dominated in the paint.

13. Air Bud
That golden retriever probably scored more points in one season than I did in my entire rec league basketball career. Second only to Michael Jordan’s role in Space Jam for convincing kids that they were better than basketball than they actually were, the only downside of Air Bud was the experience of overwhelming disappointment when you own dog couldn’t drain a three-pointer.

14. Lindsay Lohan
Herbie: Fully Loaded aside, The Parent Trap, Freaky Friday, and Mean Girls are some of the greatest acting performances I’ve seen in my lifetime. I’m pretty sure most guys my age have harbored a life-long crush on her ever since she valiantly challenged herself to a fencing match.

15. Michelangelo
Probably one of the best artists in Florence by the age of 14. No big deal.

16. Eliàn Gonzàlez
Not only did Gonzàlez cross from Cuba into American waters in an aluminum boat with a faulty motor, he also survived a sea storm while floating on nothing more than an inner tube. He also accomplished more in politics than any MTV Rock the Vote campaign ever has, quite possibly costing Al Gore the 2000 presidential election.

17. Madeline
The girl got her appendix removed and acted like it was no big deal. She also survived a fall off a bridge into the Seine River and ran away to join a group of traveling gypsies before she learned long division. That’s all there is; there isn’t any more.

18. Beethoven
Sure, as a child his father made young Ludwig stand at they keyboard until he cried. But it all worked out, right? He was seven at the time of his first public performance, and was publishing original compositions before most kids his age had mastered the art of five-paragraph essays.

Adorable

19 and 20 (tie). Eng Seng Ng and Cheng Yen Ng
Eng Seng Ng is a 19-year-old grad student at Stanford. Most people that age are busy playing National Treasure drinking games and sleeping through 11:00 am discussion sections, not completing their master’s in mechanical engineering at the top school in the country. Ng’s sister Chenny is just as amazing. The renowned master of the Hoedown Throwdown, Chenny is also an internationally-acclaimed practitioner of all things heinous, not to mention the most adorable member of Sherman Ave.

Honorable Mentions:
Adele, Kain Colter, Sasha Obama, George Harrison, LeBron James, Achilles, and Charlie Young.