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Tag Archives: Neil Armstrong

A History of Inflammatory Statements in the United States

13 Nov

There are three things you need to have to be a good President: Personality, cajones of steel, and... Fuck, I forgot

Earlier this week, Republican presidential candidate Rick Perry – in one of the most admirable and laudable acts of public and civic service this nation has ever seen – absolutely ruined his hopes of being elected president. In a GOP debate, Perry was enumerating the three government departments he planned to eliminate when he completely forgot the third department. I mean, there are only fifteen, but he still managed to forget one. Surprisingly enough, though, this is hardly the most self-destructive statement that’s ever been issued by a politician. Here’s a list of some other quotes that shattered the speaker’s future like Justin Bieber’s Christmas album shatters what pitiful traces of good there once were in the universe.

1803, Thomas Jefferson
“Sally Hemmings? No, she’s just a slave. And while I do consider her an important part of my life, I think it’s a stretch to call her ‘First Lady.’ Then again, ‘3/5 lady’ just doesn’t have the same ring.”

1822, James Monroe
“Why yes, I do believe this period can be aptly described as an ‘Era of Good Feelings.’ But when it comes down to it, no good feelings will ever compare to those I experienced during the blumpkin I received last night.”

1848, Elizabeth Cady Stanton (at the Seneca Falls Convention)
“I can in no way deny that this is not the ideal venue for an event of this magnitude. I would’ve looked for a better location, but I was too busy gargling scrotum.”

I just hope they stick that asshole Pickett with an actor like Jeff Daniels

1863, Robert E. Lee (after the Battle of Gettysburg)
“It is my dream that, in one or two hundred years, my actions over the past few days will be portrayed by the ever-mediocre acting skills of Martin Sheen.”

1865, Abraham Lincoln
“Hairspray is sold out?! Drats. In that case, two tickets for My American Cousin.”

1884, Mark Twain
“Hmm. The story of a daring young man travelling down a river with a slave. It’s good, I feel like it just lacks something…aha, I’ve got it! I’ll just throw the n-word in there 215 times!”

1897, William McKinley
“Monocles are in style, right?”

1908, Sacco (to Vanzetti)
“How do you feel about moving to America? I hear there’s a lot of opportunity over there.”

1925, John Scopes
“I’m in Tennessee. Why would I need to teach creationism?”

This cockpit's a little cozy for the two of us.

1934, Franklin D. Roosevelt
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. Also, polio. Polio is probably worth some mild trepidation.”

1945, American Military
“We need something that just screams ‘We’re going to bomb you back to the stone age.’ Ooh, I’ve got it! Name it something vaguely questionable but blatantly hilarious. Something like…Enola Gay!”

1961, John F. Kennedy
“We should invade Cuba.”

1969, Neil Armstrong
“That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for the likelihood of me winding up on the Ohio state quarter.”

1975, Richard Nixon
“Okay fine, so I’m a fucking crook.”

While we're at it, do you think you could sell some of these weapons lying around for some extra beer money?

1983, Ronald Reagan
“They would be satellites that defend us from nuclear missiles. Why are you all giving me that look?”

1992, Ross Perot
“I hereby announce that I am running for president in 1992.”

1998, Bill Clinton
“A handjob? Really? We both know you can do better than that.”

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9 Historically-Inspired Pornos That Never Made It

25 Jul

The document is also famous for requiring King John to adhere to a predetermined safe word

9. Magnum Carta
In a shocking display of civic and sexual liberty, a group of well-endowed barons fight against the tyranny of King John “Softsword” of England by proclaiming their freedom from arbitrary sexual mores. A merry jaunt throughout the English countryside ensues, including a “jousting” match with King Arthur over Guinevere, an ill-fated run in with the Duke of Cunterbury, and an intense search for the Holy Grail of Virility in a nunnery. This historical work is sure to probe the annals of history with by transporting the audience back to the days before body-shaving became an accepted social practice.

8. Battle of Assterlitz
In this no-holes barred epic sparring match between three emperors, Napoleon proves that it’s not size that matters, but how you use it. Making up for his diminutive height with excessive girth, Napoleon (a.k.a. “The Dicka from Corsica”) dominates Alexander I before introducing the liberal French concept of mutual oral sex to Central Europe and instituting the Napoleonic Bro-Code over all his subjects. Russian novelist Leo Tolstoy would later chronicle the event in his famed 1400-page historical novel War and Peace and Splooge

Armstrong sexiling Aldrin from the lunar module

7. Full Moon Landing
The year 1969 just got even better. Famed astronauts Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin decide to take their American thrusters up to the moon to try and go where no man has ever gone before. After “planting their flag” in extra-terrestrial terrain, the two men then troll for martian babes in their lunar rover, eventually finding three sisters named the Sirens of Titan to engage in some of the most captivating zero-gravity zallywhacking caught on tape. Conspiracy theorists still claim that Armstrong’s landing was faked, but Full Moon Landing‘s point-of-view evidence is hard to ignore.

6. Pythagoras and the Love Triangle
Two Athenian women. One Greek philosopher. Triangles have never been so scintillating and geometry has never been cooler, as Pythagoras learns how to solve one of the most complex dilemmas of all time with just a simple right angle.

And you thought that today's porn stars had weird facial hair

5. Pickett’s Large!
July 3, 1863 was a day that shook America, as thousands of sexually frustrated women from both sides of the Mason-Dixon line marched uphill across a mile-long plain in pursuit of charming, pretty-boy Confederate general George Pickett’s notoriously gargantuan package. A ferocious battle ensued, as the hungry hordes fought amongst themselves viciously for the commander’s famed freakstick. After a sweltering afternoon full of girl-on-girl action, the victor of the bi-curious competition would ruefully be Mary Todd Lincoln, renowned leg-spreader. Years later, her only reflections on the experience would be: “Well, he certainly wasn’t a Little Round Top!”

4. Gang of Six
Balancing the budget has never been sexier as these six senators are forced to put aside their partisan differences in order to raise the roof (and the debt ceiling) with their clout. In the craziest sex act Congress has witnessed since Speaker of the House Boehner fellated every member of the Tea Party in 2010, Sen. Sexby Chambliss (R, GA) and Sen. Tricky-Dick Durbin (D, IL) spearhead a mind-boggling orgy of budget cuts and tax-raising that leaves Sen. Kent Cumrad (D, ND) shrieking in ecstasy and Sen. Tom Cobourn (R, OK) laying in the corner covered in body fluid and defaulted U.S. government bonds. Directed by Harry Reid and produced by President Obama, this masterpiece has received rave reviews that suggest it might be the best American political porno since Ronald Rumpleforeskin Invades Grenada: Operation Urgent Fury.

She was also in flagrant violation of Charles VII's "Don't Ask Don't Tell" policy

3. Joan of Arc: The Maid of Orlèans
Claiming divine guidance, Joan attempts to throw off the shackles of English rule by sleeping with as many English soldiers as possible to convince them of France’s sexual superiority. Originally force to disguise herself as a man, a task she excels at, Joan miraculously lifts the siege of Orlèans with a simple lift of her skirt. After a role-play incident involving a witch’s costume goes terribly awry, however, she is burned at the stake for heresy. She was later exonerated, and named the patron saint of the French and trannies everywhere.

2. The Boobonic Plague
14th Century Europe gets rocked by the greatest disease ever witnessed. When Europe’s female population is exposed to this infection, they experience surprisingly large growth in the chest area and ravenous sexual desire, nearly overwhelming the male population and spreading the disease like wildfire. Bawdier than one of Chaucer’s wet dreams and starring Brooklyn Decker and Pamela Anderson as two serfs desperately searching for a cure before their backs break, this film tells the tale of how one epidemic forever changed the face, and breasts, of Europe.

Bet 7th Grade Social Studies never taught you about Revere's whip fetish

1. One If By Rear, Two If By Mouth
The British are cumming! Since a young age, we’ve been told all about Paul Revere’s heroic journey through the American colonies to warn his fellow countrymen of the approaching British, but we’ve never had as much exposure to the other aspect of his legend – his insatiable sexual appetite. In this classic, Revere tours the Original 13, regaling his female compatriots with his glorious meat-staff and giving a whole new meaning to “Paul Revere’s ride.” Don’t miss the plot twist at the end of the story, as Revere joins forces with his old wingman William Dawes to double the level of pre-revolutionary plowing.

Evander Jones and Ross Packingham