“Ugh, I’m Such A SWUG,” Announces Girl With a 3.9 And Offers From McKinsey And Nielsen

EVANSTON– Senior Anna Penderson told her friends Tuesday afternoon that she is “officially” a senior washed up girl, according to witness reports.

“Ugh, I’m such a SWUG,” she declared while poring over her econometrics notes. “Like,

Hey Boy, Whatcha Doin’: One Man’s Confession of New Girl Fandom

via vimeo.com

Editor’s Note:  This is a very moving, personal piece. It required months of careful preparation and was written with emotion, courage, tears, and courage.  Please show some respect and share it on your Facebook wall.

Last weekend I was at a party with some friends, and I found myself talking to a girl.  We hit it off really well.  We had a lot of the same interests – but one particular one really stood out.  And that one particular interest carried the conversation.

“I know it’s unconventional, but I like Winston the best…”

“My favorite thing she did was when she dressed as an old-timey cigarette girl for that one party at the bar.  Remember that?  That was pretty quirky…”

“You know in my apartment we actually have a douchebag jar?  It’s so funny…”

But then it stopped.  A large, brown-haired, brown-eyed young man came up to me and stared me dead in the eyes.

5 Weird Twitter Accounts You Need To Follow Right Now

You think you know what Twitter is, don’t you? You’ve heard foggy old newscasters pontificate about how it sparks revolutions in the Middle East, and you’ve listened to IMC professors talk about using it to build your “personal brand” (like, don’t forget, DON’T EVER FORGET that retweets do not fucking equal endorsements).

Although you were initially freaked out by seeing all your friends constantly retweeting a middle-aged guy in a speedo, you’ve come to enjoy reading Rob Delaney tweet at Wolf Blitzer asking if Flowers For Algernon was a true story. You know how to use hashtags to draw attention to your tweets from people you’ll never meet, but are still self-aware enough to laugh when Schmidt says “hashtag” out loud on New Girl.

All in all, you feel confident in your grasp of Twitter, like the #millenial that you are.

Oh, child.

My poor, poor child.

Top 5 Reasons Ben Gibbard and Zooey Deschanel Got Divorced

This month marks the four-year wedding anniversary of Ben Gibbard and Zooey Deschanel. Ben is best known as the sad-sack lead singer of Death Cab for Cutie and The Postal Service, while Zooey is an actress as well as the songstress for the band She & Him. Unfortunately, everyone’s favorite pick for “Cutest Indie Couple” have been separated almost as long as they were married, and their divorce was finalized in December.

When the pair first became an item, I combined their names to create the celebrity power couple name “Zen,” thinking it captured the harmonious nature of their relationship. Knowing how things turned out, “Booey” (pronounced like the British glam-rocker’s surname) might have been a better choice.