Saferide to Limit Pick-ups and Drop-offs to Locations on Go Fuck Yourself Avenue

Pictured: One of the many one Saferide car (via Northwestern).

EVANSTON, Il. – A representative from Saferide announced in a press conference that the student taxi service would be limiting all rides to locations along Go Fuck Yourself Avenue.

“When it comes down to it, we just don’t have the funding anymore,” said the representative. “It’s regrettable, but from this point forward, students will only be able to get a ride if they are both coming from and headed to a location along Go Fuck Yourself Avenue.”

The representative added that, if the organization receives more funding next year, they’ll hope to expand their service to Suck A Veiny Dick Court, and possibly even Here’s A Zip-Lock Bag Full Of My Seven-Month Old Pubes Lane.

APPLY TO BE A WRITER FOR SHERMAN AVE!!! (Spring 2014 Remix Edition)

Hey reader. How’s it going? Well? That’s good.

Isn’t it nice that spring is here? The snow is melting; the sun is beginning to shine; and warmer, brighter, and more pleasant temperatures are on the way. In general, it is a time when everything seems better and more promising.

If you’re the kind of person who detracts from such happiness and joy, then you should apply to be a writer for Sherman Ave!

That’s right, boys and girls; we’re looking for a brand new (rotting) crop of the most atrocious, immoral, and all-around heinous scribes and scribettes that we can find. And there’s a chance that YOU could be in that crop! Isn’t that exciting? ANSWER YES IT’S EXCITING IT’S VERY EXCITING.

So how do you apply? First, download the Sherman Ave application here. (Or here. Or here.) Fill that fucker out the bestest you can, and then submit it electronically to shermanave1@gmail.com no later than 11:59 PM on Friday, April 11th. If we think you’d be a good fit, you will be invited to an individual, in-person interview. The interview will take place at some point during the day on Friday, April 18th. If we REALLY REALLY like you, you will then be selected to participate in a super-special group interview, which will take place the following day: Saturday, April 19th.

A few things to keep in mind: Contrary to popular belief, you do NOT have to be a Northwestern student to write for Sherman Ave. We love everybody in the entire world equally, and if you’re funny, we’d be psyched to have you.

Also, make sure to BE YOURSELF on your application!!!! In all seriousness, we can’t stress this enough: write in your own, personal voice. We want to hear you, and what you think is funny, not what you think a Sherman Ave writer should sound like. If you only want to make jokes about the War of 1812, then go for it. Just stay true to who YOU think you are as a writer.

Tl;dr: Apply for Sherman Ave!!! HERE’S THE LINK TO THE APPLICATION AGAIN.

Have a heinous, heinous day.

Meet Northwestern’s New Director of Sustainability

The man below is Rob Whittier.

Dude’s hotter than a melting iceberg.

Not only a beautiful specimen of a man, Rob “Gorgeous as Fuck” Whittier is also hellbent on making this campus as green as possible, no matter how many empty cans of Busch Light he has to recycle with those rippling muscles or carbons he has to neutralize with that stunning smile.

Now, we could have put in the time and effort to write up an article detailing his sexxxy exploits reducing Northwestern’s energy consumption and whatnot, but it was much easier and enjoyable to just meme his ass during our lunch break.

Like my love for you, plastics are forever

Or by hemp-scented candlelight.

And then I’d like to bag you.

Courtesy of Gwyneth Effingmouth

Another G-Eff’s masterpiece

I feel so safe in your arms. And in your carbon-neutral house.

Many thanks to Simba Ng and for the tipoff. Feel free to send all submissions of your own Rob Whittier memes to shermanave1@gmail.com, which shall be promptly displayed on our fancy-shmancy Facebook page.

Sherman Ave Needs YOU!!!!

Time to go to work

Think you have what it takes to write for the hippest motherfuckers on the web today? If so, we need people like YOU to fill out our New Writer Application, email it to shermanave1@gmail.com by March 25th, and impress us enough with your latent heinousness that we choose you to write for our vaunted publication. We can’t wait to see what ya’ll come up with.

The Sherman Ave New Writers Application can be found HERE!

Cordially,
Sherman Ave