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Tag Archives: news

Mayfest Announces Rebecca Black, Female, As Dillo Day Headliner

16 Mar

EVANSTON, Il.—Mayfest spokesman announced early Friday morning that, as per Google Doc request, the Dillo Day headliner will be Rebecca Black, a female.

“After seeing a link to a Google Doc that read ‘BRING A FEMALE ARTIST TO DILLO DAY’ throughout our newsfeed,” Mayfest spokesman Connor Dart said, “we decided Continue reading

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Man Who Spends 90% of Time Around Other Speedo-Clad Men Somehow Gay

2 Dec

Pictured: Daley, who is unimaginably attracted to both men and women, despite the fact that all of his best friends have rock hard abs just like those. (via policymic.org)

LONDON — The world was shocked today to learn that Tom Daley, a British athlete who spends almost all of his time wearing a speedo and doing various physical activities with other men wearing speedos, is sexually attracted to men.

Daley made the announcement by video, revealing to the world that he has a boyfriend — surprising, considering that the sport for which Daley has become famous has a uniform that reveals so much shaft that one can often discern whether the competitor is circumcised.  Continue reading

Al Gore Blames Early Hanukkah on Global Warming

27 Nov

In a last ditch effort to maintain a distant trace of cultural relevance, former Vice President Al Gore has pointed to what is described as a “calendar oddity” as further proof of global climate change.

Gore, at his 2011 speech about the dangers of toasters

An early Hanukkah and a late Thanksgiving happen to overlap this year, causing the extremely rare “Hanukkiving,” “Thanksgivikkah” or “Handsky,” for short. The visibly disillusioned author of “An Inconvenient Truth” addressed this issue with the waiting room of an optometrist’s office while holding a glass jar labeled “Global Warming Donations” filled with hand-written IOU notes from Gore himself. Continue reading

Prince Emerges From Duchess Kate’s Womb

22 Jul

Womb Raider

At approximately 4:30pm this afternoon, renowned musical artist Prince emerged from the womb of Duchess Kate Middleton at St. Mary’s Hospital in London, sources report.

While there has been considerable hype leading to the birth of Middleton’s child, few were expecting Prince, a 55-year-old racially ambiguous man from Minnesota, to slide out of her uterus this afternoon.

“I must admit I’m a bit surprised,” said Kate Middleton.  “I knew that my son would be someone great, and, er, I know some people think he is great at some things sometimes.”   Continue reading

Everyone Totally Notices That One Little Thing You’re Really Self-Conscious About

15 Jul

Um.

SEATTLE – A recent survey of everyone you know and hope to meet has revealed that every single person around you constantly acknowledges that one tiny fault that you’re really uncomfortable with.

Though you have hoped that nobody would pay attention to that one little thing you really hate about yourself, sources have confirmed that everyone you’ve ever met and will meet over the course of your entire life is constantly, and will constantly be, paying attention to that specific thing.

“It’s really the only thing that defines him as a person,” said your best friend who swore to never really pay attention to that minute detail that you hated every having to acknowledge. “How could I not notice? It’s disgusting and terrible and really makes him a person that everyone should criticize.” Continue reading

Cheer Bear of the “Care Bears” On The Loose After Vicious Rampage At Gay Pride Parade Over Rainbow Insignia

2 Jul

Killing machine.

CHICAGO – Sunday’s Gay Pride Parade took a colorfully deadly turn as Cheer Bear was on the rampage following a freakout over her famous Rainbow insignia. The incident took place immediately after the Puerto Rican Jewish Baptists Transgender float passed Belmont and Halsted in one of the peaks of the parade.

“Suddenly there was this pink blur in the middle of the street,” said Pride performer Julius McQueensta The Precious III, “And then we all saw this bear ripping down the floats and all of the rainbow flags. I thought it was part of the act until I noticed she was too fierce to not have any body glitter on her.” Continue reading

Scalia in Dissenting Opinion: “GAAAAYYYYYYY”

26 Jun

Those glasses are pretty…yeah, you know.

While reading his dissenting opinion in the Supreme Court’s ruling that denial of federal benefits to married same-sex couples is unconstitutional, Scalia loudly shouted that the whole ordeal was “GAAAAAY.”

“Hah!” reported Scalia. “GAAAAAYYYYY!”

Going on to break traditional decorum in an especially unconventional way, Scalia interrupted Justice Anthony Kennedy’s reading of his majority opinion by interjecting, “GAY!  GAY GAY GAYYYYYY!  SO GAY!”

Added Scalia, “So ghey.”

Breaking weeks of silence, Justice Clarence Thomas even chimed in as well.

“Haha,” said Thomas. “Yeah, pretty gay.”

In other news, Texas legislators have all agreed to reset their clocks, which, having not been calibrated for some time, tell the lawmakers it’s still 1953.

Millions Hoping for Hard-Working Citizen to Fall Short of His Goals

18 Jun

This douche.

Miami, FL. – As the end of Game Six of the NBA Finals nears, millions of U.S. citizens pray for a man who has spent his entire life working towards one goal to fall short of that goal.

“I hope he has to sit there and watch everyone celebrate as his dreams crumble before his eyes,” several thousand people insisted.

As the man who spent almost every minute of his life thinking about and working towards his goal slowly watches hope slip away, people across the world could not be more pleased. Continue reading

University of Illinois Professor Slightly Frustrated Upon Finding Poop In His Clean Linens Again

17 Jun

Chief Illiniwek, taking a huge dump maybe.

In an open letter to the University of Illinois, Associate Professor Ben Mallock said he is getting a tad fed up after students have been repeatedly breaking into his home and pooping in a basket of clean linens.

Mallock, 56, who teaches anthropology at U of I, said he’s bordering on being annoyed with the bi-weekly felony offense of breaking and entering and subsequent defecating into a basket of neatly folded bed sheets for the 12 years he has been empl oyed by the University.

“It used to be this would only happen on the weekends, but now it happens without any regard to the day of the week or time of day,” Mallock wrote in a letter sent to student run newspaper, The Daily Illini. “After class, I found pee in the toilet and a street sign tucked into my bed.” Continue reading

Norbucks Employees Go On Strike Due to Hostile Finals Week Environment

12 Jun

Pictured: Starbucks barista, shortly before leaving because she “can’t handle this shit”

It’s day four of finals week and the Norbucks baristas have called it quits until their environment improves. One barista was verbally assaulted by an HPME sophomore after putting a round frappuccino cap on his regular iced coffee.

“I told him we were out of the regular caps, but he didn’t care. I have never seen such rage, and I am honestly scared for the safety of myself and my coworkers,” reported the barista, who wishes to remain anonymous but wants to clarify that she isn’t Anthony.

It comes to no surprise that the Norbucks baristas can become the punching bag for stressed out undergrads during finals week. Caffeine for many is the door to success, and it is the baristas who hold the key. After waiting in long lines to get their fix, even the little things can set students off; one girl almost broke down in a full tantrum after she was told their was no artificial sweetener for her venti skinny vanilla latte steamed at children’s temperature.

“I told her using nonfat milk alone cut down on calories, but she couldn’t hear me over the sounds of her own wailing,” said the barista.

“Every day this week has been a nightmare. The thing students don’t realize is that we get stressed out too! Do you know how hard it is to guess which spelling of Caitlin is the correct one? I shouldn’t have to hold my breath as I anticipate the explosion that can occur after misspelling someone’s name. We’re all human here,” said another barista.

The Norbucks workers refuse to work. They turned the lights of their little cart off until they get the respect they think they deserve. Sadly, the community only anticipates greater animosity. The Norris Center is looking to the NUPD for help to ensure the safety of these baristas and their families in anticipation of a student-led witch hunt to find these employees, throw them over their shoulders, carry them back to their tiny work space, and demand a grande iced vanilla bean caramel mocha frap with a double shot of espresso.