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Tag Archives: Norris Student Center

University Announces All Future Buildings to be Modeled After Norris Center

9 Nov

EVANSTON, Ill. – Months after first outlining a plan to upgrade parking, student common space and athletic facilities, Northwestern University today announced that the buildings in all of these projects will be modeled directly after the Norris University Center.

Et tu, Brutalist?

“I don’t know that I would say ‘modeled after,” said University President Morton Schapiro. “I would probably say that they are going to be exact replicas. Like, we are building more Norrises. That shit’s literally going to happen.” Continue reading

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Sherman Ave Histories: Norris Student Center

17 Oct

Check out our histories of The Lakefill and Harris Hall!

Norris Begins Planning Half-Birthday

6 May

Surprisingly, this is not a still-frame from a movie about a dystopian society.

EVANSTON – Administrators at Northwestern University’s Norris Student Center announced this morning that they are officially making plans for an extravagant week-long celebration of the building’s half-birthday this summer.

Norris Executive Director Kelly Schaefer expressed the importance of the celebration.

“You know, some people don’t think half-birthdays are worth celebrating,” said Schaefer.  “But, like, come on!  Those people just don’t know how to have fun.  They’re probably the same people who think that Norris doesn’t need a game room.” Continue reading

Confused Persian Army Shows Up For Dance Marathon

6 Mar
Darius, adding some personal flair to the 30-hour dance.

Darius, adding some personal flair to the 30-hour dance.

EVANSTON – 600 triremes arrived on the shores of Lake Michigan earlier today, carrying 200,000 noticeably disoriented Persian soldiers fit for battle.

Darius the Great, who leads the army, has yearned to subjugate the Greek mainland since crushing the Ionian Revolt in 494 BC.  Upon landing his personal trireme on South Beach at approximately 2:25 this afternoon, he confidently stepped off his vessel and commanded his massive army to set up camp.

“This is where we shall go to war!” he shouted to his soldiers in his native tongue of Elamite.  “The Athenian swine shall shed their blood here, and we shall claims their lands as ours!  We shall rape their women and burn their houses!”

After attempting to inspire his men with visions of grandeur and bellicosity, Darius reportedly took a moment to survey his surroundings. Continue reading

Tour Guide at Loss to Explain Student Protest

28 Feb
What is this, Berkeley?

What is this, Berkeley?

EVANSTON — At approximately 2:07 pm this afternoon, student tour guide Jane Woodward remained at a total and complete loss as to how best to explain a developing student protest to her tour group.

According to eyewitness reports, Ms. Woodward (Comm, ’15) was unable to adequately respond to questions addressed to her regarding the hundred-plus students gathered at The Rock to protest the hegemonic culture of white privilege and institutional racism at Northwestern University. Nor was Woodward able to cast the protestors’ claims that Northwestern perpetuates racist and sexist ideals in a manner that would entice prospective students to apply for undergraduate admission to NU.

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New Chipotle Opens in Student Center

30 Nov

EVANSTON – Students and employees of Northwestern University enthusiastically welcomed the opening of a Chipotle Mexican Grill franchise in the Norris Student Center this morning.

“The addition of a reasonably priced, popular Mexican restaurant – which I assume is just a fucking Chipotle – adds another dimension to the Norris experience,” explained Northwestern University President Morton Schapiro.

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Besides closing The Keg, what else has Mayor Tisdahl achieved?

14 Nov

At this afternoon’s Political Union in the Northwestern University Norris Center, Evanston mayor Elizabeth “Lizzly the Grizzly” Tisdahl claimed that “closing down The Keg was one of the best things [she had] ever done.”  Needless to say, this inflammatory statement is an affront to any Northwestern student who has enjoyed an otherwise uneventful Monday night at The Keg – let alone the ETHS students who don’t even have other viable outlets to hone their raging skills.  This is the equivalent to Jimmy Carter taking proud ownership of the Iranian Hostage Crisis, or Creed taking proud ownership of their music.  It also begs the question: If this is only one of the best things E-Tizzy has accomplished, then what would she consider to be some of the others?

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Sherman Ave Freshman Guide: Dorm Life

26 Aug

The legendary Tupac Shakur once famously stated, “I didn’t choose the thug dorm life, the thug dorm life chose me.” For several reasons, surviving dorm life can certainly be one of the most difficult challenges you’ll face your freshman year. While some things (ex: People vomiting outside of your room and covering it up with printer paper) are out of your control, the proper knowledge and expectation of what lies ahead can help equip you for a successful year.

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Sherman Ave Freshman Guide: Campus

23 Aug

Just remember: The lake is East

I’m going to be brutally honest: Your first week on campus is going to be awkward as tits. Think of that time you watched Superbad with your parents, combine it with that time Severus Snape’s doppelganger was lurking at The Keg, multiply that by twenty, and that’s roughly how awkward it’s going to be. However, one surefire way to minimize this apocalyptic awkwardness is by knowing your way around campus; the Awk Hawk loves nothing more than watching a lanyard-sporting freshman discreetly approach a group of upperclassmen and feebly ask for directions to Sheridan Road. Therefore, in my never-ending mission to better the world around me and help those in need, I have developed a descriptive blueprint of the nation’s 47th most attractive campus.

KEY BUILDINGS

Tech

Also sporting the least coherent room numbering system known to man

Soon to be known as “that one building we drunkenly roamed three times a week during fall quarter,” the Technological Institute (Tech, for short) is one of the main buildings on campus. This North Campus structure – as any tour guide will obnoxiously boast – is the 2nd largest low-rise building in the United States, right behind the Pentagon (a building which, ruefully, is much harder to get into at 3:30am on a Saturday). Home to science majors, math majors, and a few other majors that appeal solely to Asians, Tech is a very mysterious entity to many South Campus students. I would certainly advise the intoxicated exploration of this building, but beware: Your idea to bathe in the emergency shower on the way back from the Frat Quad is not as brilliant as it may seem.

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