New Meal Plan Lets NU Students Pay for Dunkin’ Donuts in Self-Esteem

Pictured: Guilt, later.

EVANSTON, Il. – A new meal plan will allow Northwestern students to exchange their self-esteem for food at Norris Student Center’s recently-opened Dunkin’ Donuts. The plan will allow the fast-food chain, along with Northwestern, to capitalize on the plummeting self-confidence of students who eat at Dunkin’ Donuts.

“On opening day it became immediately clear that after eating our donuts, students were losing self-esteem and satisfaction with their body image—mostly due to the fattening nature of the food we sell,” said Nigel Travis, CEO of Dunkin’ Donuts. “We figured we might as well turn a profit on their loss.”

Students will still be able to pay for donuts and sandwiches with Equivalency Meals, Munch Money, and points. NUcuisine yesterday released a more detailed explanation of the meal plan, summarized here:

Dunkin’ Donuts to be Removed from Norris; Administration: “April Fools!”

Chen also pointed out that the fine print barely visible in this image’s bottom left-hand corner reads “also leaving this spring.” (via Northwestern)

EVANSTON, Il. – The Norris Student Center at Northwestern University announced this morning that the recently-added Dunkin’ Donuts restaurant in the student center’s bottom floor will be discontinued only a day after it opened, as it was in fact all part of a long-planned April Fools joke by the administration.

“Man, you suckers really fell for it,” NU Cuisine Chief of Operations Zachary Chen commented. “You think we would actually impede on Frontera Fresco’s space? They need the entire Norris lower level to make those delicious, fifteen-dollar sandwiches.”

When asked why NU Cuisine, Norris, and Northwestern as a whole would play such a joke on its student body, a joke that one could consider cruel and unusual, Chen replied “because fuck you, that’s why. You’re gonna eat what we give you, and that’s final. What other choice do you have? The Einstein’s on Clark? Ha ha, ok; have fun waiting twenty minutes to get a bagel there.”

In unrelated news, Norris announced that it would also begin charging students a toll of $1.50 to visit Lakefill on days when the temperature is above 73 degrees Fahrenheit, just for the hell of it.

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Like donuts?  Are a donut?  Apply to write for Sherman Ave!!!

 

 

Sherman Ave presents: Block 9 Interviews

–Pip Sleazy, Scurvy Jacobson and Lady Keystone

If Holden Caulfield Did Dance Marathon

King of the phony-haters. (via Wikipedia)

IF YOU REALLY want to hear about it, the first thing you’ll probably want to know is why I decided to do Dance Marathon, how I got to Northwestern, and what the lousy Subway sandwich I ate right before Block 1 started was like, and all that Morty Schapiro kind of crap, but I don’t feel like going into it, because, in the first place, that stuff bores me, and in the second place, I’ve been up for about forty hours straight and I feel like hell, like absolute hell.  I’m not kidding.

Where I want to start telling is the moment I walked into Norris, which is this old crumby building that’s by this goddamn lake, which is right next to an even bigger goddamn lake.  I felt kind of cold, so I decided to put on my red hunting hat, because I get cold really easy.  It’s true.  I’m seventeen goddamn years old, and I get the shivers and aches and goddamn pneumonia every goddamn month, for chrissake.

Anyway, they took us to this room and all, and all of these kids – and this just killed me –

An Interpretation of a Northwestern Tour

Remember green things?  (via Northwestern)

SCENE: Northwestern University’s Campus. An unexpected blizzard is beginning to pick up force. Temperatures hover in the single digits. A Northwestern tour group leaves the tour guide building and heads north to take in the sights.

Tour Guide: The weather usually isn’t like this, I promise!

Interpretation: Yeah, usually it’s a lot worse. Notice how you’re able to expose parts of your flesh to the air? It’s almost NEVER nice enough to do that! You guys lucked out!

Tour Guide: We’ll have to go down this path right here, since university construction crews are working on improving and beautifying our campus on all the other paths, and they’re currently closed. But soon Northwestern will be even better! Exciting things in the works!

Interpretation:

The Best Places To Take A Shit On Campus

“Everybody poops, you are not alone”- Radiohead

Up until going abroad a few months ago (in a place with not-so-great toilets, as it were), I had a really hard time dropping a deuce anywhere but home. It wasn’t that I couldn’t; in a high stress, emergency scenario, I was perfectly capable of using a public toilet. But it was never a comfortable experience, and despite my recent maturation, pooping in a public place is still something of a trying experience for me.

It may well be that I am alone in struggling to drop trou in public restrooms. I have a hard time believing that I am #foreveralone, but even if we say for the sake of argument that I am, I’m still sure that everyone, I mean virtually EVERY man, woman, child, and other, prefers to poop in comfortable circumstances. It’s why dogs prefer the grass to the sidewalk, why cats prefer anywhere but the litter box to the litter box (wait no that’s because cats are total dicks nevermind).

University Announces All Future Buildings to be Modeled After Norris Center

EVANSTON, Ill. – Months after first outlining a plan to upgrade parking, student common space and athletic facilities, Northwestern University today announced that the buildings in all of these projects will be modeled directly after the Norris University Center.

Et tu, Brutalist?

“I don’t know that I would say ‘modeled after,” said University President Morton Schapiro. “I would probably say that they are going to be exact replicas. Like, we are building more Norrises. That shit’s literally going to happen.”

Candyless Schapiro Reminds Trick-or-Treaters About New Student Center

Pictured: Schapiro, just trying to manage the University’s goddamn money, okay?

EVANSTON, Ill. — Northwestern University President Morton O. Schapiro reportedly attempted to comfort disappointed trick-or-treaters at his home by reminding them that a new student center is probably going to be built in the next 20 years.

“There there, children,” said Schapiro softly. “We understand that you’re disappointed we don’t have any candy for you. But this new student center is going to

27 Reasons Why You Just Can’t Write that Paper Right Now

1. You were trying to go to the library but it took too goddamn long to cross Sheridan.

2. The government was shut down.

3. You were looking for the crepe place in Norris.

4. You got impaled by a biker so now you lie bleeding.

5. You were writing a strongly worded letter to your local congressman.

Northwestern to Break Ground on Huge Fucking Inconvenience in 2015

Just the cherry on top that your day needed.
Source: Some jackass architect

EVANSTON, Ill. – Explaining that nothing was more important than the future of Northwestern University and its students, university president Morton Schapiro announced plans to break ground on Northwestern’s newest massive inconvenience by Fall of 2015.

“We could not be more excited about getting started on this project,” President Schapiro insisted of the enormous eye-sore of a construction site, which will begin to frustrate students as soon as the current gigantic annoyance is underway.