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Tag Archives: Northwestern basketball

Sherman Ave Interviews: Morty Schapiro

6 Jun

The Sherman Ave Editors (Evander Jones, Ross Packingham and Sir Edward Twattingworth III) sat down with Northwestern University President Morty Schapiro for an interview.  Why he agreed to let us do this, we may never know, but we sure are happy he did.

"I'm allergic to cats."

“I’m allergic to cats.”

Packingham: If you could make a drink called “The Morty,” what would it entail?

Morty: Oh man. Like an alcoholic drink?

Twattingworth: Wow, interesting that your mind went there.

Morty: Yeah… Well, you know when I drink, like last night–this is really exciting–but one-third orange juice, two-thirds Perrier.

Packingham: Perrier? Is that vodka? Or rum?

Morty: And they have to give me this much wine so I can hold it to pretend I’ll drink it, but I’m not a wine drinker. I like beer when I have Asian food. I like Thai beer, or Japanese beer or something.

Packingham: Like a Budweiser?

Morty: I don’t think I’ve ever had one of those. So I’m not big on like American Continue reading

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Phil Jackson Announces Intent Not To Coach Northwestern

14 Mar
"Do not want." - Phil Jackson

“Do not want.” – Phil Jackson

EVANSTON- Phil Jackson issued a statement Thursday night saying “in the strongest possible terms” that the legendary former Chicago Bulls and Los Angeles Lakers coach has “absolutely no interest” in becoming Northwestern’s next men’s basketball coach.

The move comes amid speculation that current head coach Bill Carmody will be fired following a 13-19 season.

“To all those who have called, tweeted, written, shouted, pounded on my door in the middle of the night, sent notes on rocks through my window, or burned ‘#B1GCATS’ into my lawn to encourage me to coach Northwestern, I just want to say this: Eat all of the shit you can find. Then die,” the Zen Master said in the statement.

Continue reading

NU Basketball Big Ten Preview

3 Jan

Now that Northwestern has won the Gator Bowl, pissing all over Mississippi State, improving to 2-0 against the so-called “good” SEC, and ending a bowl drought that spanned approximately 320 times longer than Kim Kardashian’s suddenly relevant-again marriage (CHECK THE MATH, BITCHES), I’m sure you’re all probably thinking, “Man, does it get any better than this?”

Well, as fate would have it, it does! If by better you actually mean worse. Because now it’s time for the start of the Big Ten basketball season. AND WE ALL REMEMBER HOW WELL LAST YEAR WENT.

All of our favorite assholes are back (except that goddamn Meyers Leonard. douche.), from Michigan to Ohio State to Illinois, and the Cats will have to navigate this season without the baby-faced assassin John Shurna. And JerShon Cobb. Oh and Drew Crawford is gone, too. WAIT WHAT KIND OF FUCKED UP WORLD DO WE INHABIT I DON’T WANT TO LIVE ON THIS PLANET ANYMORE.

Regardless, it’s time we get ourselves in the mood for basketball by taking a look at the other 11 teams in the Big Ten and analyzing why they’re all fucking pricks. Continue reading