John F. Kennedy Speaks to NU Student Body, Endorses ASG Candidate Jackson

“Ich bin ein Wildcat”- President Kennedy.

Deceased President John Fitzgerald Kennedy today announced via televised press conference that he endorses fellow deceased President Andrew Jackson for the position of president of Northwestern University’s Associated Student Government.

Looking dapper as always and speaking directly to members of the NU student body, Kennedy said: “I trust yo-ah student body will wisely choose the right man for the job, Andrew Jackson. Not only is he qualified to carry on this institution’s dedication to racial and social equality, he has also promised to do absolutely nothing to enhance student life once elected, which is the express purpose of this office.”

Kennedy reminded the students, “Ask nawt what yo-ah university student govahment can do for you-ah, but… well, don’t ask, because they don’t know-er what they are supposed to do for you-ah. Honestly you should nawt expect much no matter what the result.”

When questioned why he was endorsing Old Hickory rather than one of the other candidates, Kennedy chose to speak candidly: “Look guys, you don’t know how much shit I have to take from Jackson and the rest now that it’s socially acceptable to make jokes about my assassination.” The conference was awkward thereafter.

Choosing to break the awkward silence, a heavily intoxicated Sophomore Comm student asked Kennedy whether he often had to put up with taunts in ‘President Heaven’, Kennedy responded: “Yes, er… uh… Heaven… that’s exactly what it is” and vanished in a burst of hellfire.

Freshman Cites “Delicious Eclairs” In Voting For Benison

It’s only phallic if you make it phallic. Or if the caption includes the word “phallic.”

EVANSTON– Freshman Andrea Mathers said Tuesday she was excited to vote for Benison Choi for ASG president because she believes he will bring the kind of “whipped cream frosting this campus so desperately needs.”

She also insisted that Benison is uniquely qualified for the position because of the experience he brings to the table, particularly as the campus pushes for more diversity.

“I mean, Benison has like 20 different flavors of everything,” Mathers said. “And then there’s pies and cakes and cookies and pastries. It’s seriously the most diverse thing I’ve ever seen in my life.”

5 Planks That Didn’t Make It In Aaron and Henry’s Platform

As many of you know, Aaron and Henry’s campaign chose to build their platform by accepting submissions from the student body.  Sadly, Sherman Ave has neither the initiative nor the fuck-giving to actually make submissions to this platform.  So instead, we’re providing you with a list of what we assume were the five best platform issues that Aaron and Henry didn’t integrate into their campaign.

Orrrrr…. stress relief Pitbull!

1.  Stress relief pit bulls

Okay, so we all remember how that whole “stress relief puppy” thing happened last quarter, and everyone was flipping dicks because ERMAHGERD PERPERSSSS (clarification: that translates to “Oh my god, puppies!” and not “Oh my god, porpoise!”)  But what about pit bulls?  They’re really cute and adorable, but they have the added benefit of maybe attacking you and making you ineligible to take your finals.  Why use the “dog ate my homework” excuse when you can use the “pit bull devoured my clavicle” one?

Ani and Alex Tout Endorsement of Stepdaughter of 1978 ASG Senator

EVANSTON– ASG President and Executive Vice Presidential candidates Ani Ajith and Alex Van Atta announced at a Monday press conference that their ticket had secured the endorsement of the stepdaughter a 1970’s ASG senator.

“When am I getting my guac?” – Samuelson

“We are humbled and honored to receive the support of Claire Samuelson, whose stepfather Daniel Chalmers once represented Allison Hall in the ASG Senate,” Ajith said as his eyes welled up. “It’s just very… it means a lot.”

Ajith stressed that Samuelson’s “friendly” relationship with Chalmers, whom she calls “Dan,” gives her a strong knowledge of how ASG works.

David and Jo Spotted Harassing Anyone Buying Chips and Guac at Frontera

“Put the goddamn guacamole down and hand over the seed money.”

EVANSTON– ASG Presidential and Executive Vice Presidential candidates David Harris and Jo Lee were seen in Norris on Monday, interrogating any students who purchased chips and guacamole from Frontera Fresco.

“So, have you always hated B-status student groups?” Harris asked  one terrified freshman. “Or did you just decide that today was a nice day to tell new groups to go fuck themselves?”

Multiple students fled the lower level of Norris, Frontera in hand and tears in their eyes, as Harris yelled various insults at them.

EDITORIAL: In ASG Election, Andrew Jackson Must Drop Out

This year’s field of ASG presidential candidates is full of students with a variety of ideas, platforms and qualifications to hold Northwestern’s highest elected office. And then, there’s Andrew Jackson.

For those who don’t know, our nation’s seventh president is apparently mounting an insurgent campaign for ASG president, as publicized by flyering, chalking, a Facebook fan page and an active Twitter account. While we are immensely flattered that a former U.S. president would run for ASG, we at The Ave can no longer ignore his horrific record of human rights violations and therefore must call on Andrew Jackson to drop out of the race for ASG president immediately.

I’d shoot him in a duel.

Jackson is running as “The People’s President,” a moniker he earned for his populist style of campaigning and governing. Yet this slogan begs the question: which people? Surely if we are to be #OneNorthwestern then we must recognize that our ASG president must have respect for all members of our community.

ASG Candidate Tells Inuit Sign Language Club They’re His “Top Priority”

Anderson was scheduled to attend Engineers for Improved Access to Dental Hygiene in Senegal’s meeting later in the evening.

EVANSTON– Associated Student Government Presidential candidate Ben Anderson told the Specialized Inuit Sign Language Club of NU on Thursday that the group would be his “number one focus” if he is elected.

“On day one, the question I’ll be working on is: ‘How can I make things better for the Inuit Sign Language Club?'” Anderson proclaimed at the group’s monthly meeting. “That’s my top priority. That’s my North Star.”