Administration To NUCuisine Workers: “Don’t Get Any Ideas”

EVANSTON, Ill.– Following the news that players on the Northwestern football team have filed a petition to unionize, the school’s administration told cafeteria workers Tuesday “not to pay any attention to that stuff” and to “get back to work.”

An Open Letter To The Little Caesar’s Pizza Bowl

Last year, we successfully lobbied the Capital One Bowl to choose Northwestern, leading to NU’s historic defeat of Georgia that launched the current 10-0 season the ‘Cats are enjoying. This year, we’re at it again with an open letter to the powers that be at the Little Caesar’s Pizza Bowl.

Dear Little Caesar’s Pizza Bowl,

Alright you fuckers, listen up. We don’t want you and you don’t want us. That’s just how it is, and we get that. But there’s no getting around the fact that we both need each other, so the sooner we learn to get along, the better.

Venric Mark to Return for 5th Year, Looking for “Career-Defining Injury”

EVANSTON, Ill. – After the official announcement that Venric Mark would be granted a medical hardship waiver and be allowed to play a fifth season, the Northwestern Wildcats’ Senior running back told reporters that he was excited to return to the field, explaining that he hasn’t yet had the career-defining injury he has been working towards. “I’ve put in the hours, spent the time in the weight room – but I haven’t been able to put together that all-around spectacular injury everyone’s expected,” said Mark. “I felt like I was about to break through and do it with (the left ankle fracture) last season, but it didn’t quite happen.”

Head coach Pat Fitzgerald confirmed Mark’s commitment to the Wildcats and desire to produce a truly great debilitating injury. “Venric’s always had big dreams,” said Fitzgerald. “He wants to go out there and give the NFL scouts a jaw-dropping injury they’ll never forget.”

“I want to join the likes of Joe Theismann, Sterling Sharpe, and Bo Jackson,” added Mark. “Those are the guys I look up to.”

Additional sources confirmed that in preparation for Mark’s return, Northwestern’s offensive line had begun practicing “just kind of watching” as defensive linemen run by and maul the team’s most valuable players.

Blood-Splattered Fitz: “It’s Just Paint”

“The dirty shovel I was just carrying? That’s paint too.”

CHICAGO– A visibly bloody Pat Fitzgerald said Wednesday that the red splotches on Northwestern’s American-flag themed uniforms are “just paint” and “people need to stop asking questions they don’t want the answer to.

A Drunken Analysis of Ohio State Game Tape

As part of #GetFuckedAnOhioStateUniversity week here at Sherman Ave, we sat down with a Friend Of The Ave who has worked for a Division I football team in the past and is a lifelong ‘Cats fan, to go over OSU game tape from their win last week against Wisconsin. Drunkenly, obviously.

13:35 left in the first quarter [Wisconsin forced to punt]: That was a tough three and out for Wisconsin right there. Northwestern can’t start like that, we do much better when we start out well.

12:18: [Braxton Miller throws a rocket for a TD] OH GOD. Oh wow, that is a tough throw. Damn. You’re not supposed to throw across your body like that and he just gets it off like that. I’m scared right now. I’m scared. They pressured him, they made him make a tough throw and he

Sherman Ave’s Official Guide To Fall Dillo

Well I’ll be a motherfucker, fellow Wildcats. The glorious holiday known only as Dillo, the college equivalent of the combination of Christmas, New Years, 4^th of July and Casmir Pulaski Day, is cometh again 8 months early.

And that’s fucking SICK HOLY CHRIST.

Now, you must be thinking: “Samwise, how much glue did you snort this morning bro there’s only one Dillo.” Well let me inform you that

Calling All Fans: A Pep Talk For The NU Football Season

When you step foot on campus this fall, remember that you are here for only one reason. You’re not here to pass Orgo (not gonna happen regardless), you’re not here to rage at The Keg (I’m sorry, that was WAY too soon), and you reallyyyy aren’t here to earn any sort of degree (look, I’m on a six-year plan, k?).

The reason you’re at NU is to

Sherman Ave Interviews: Morty Schapiro

The Sherman Ave Editors (Evander Jones, Ross Packingham and Sir Edward Twattingworth III) sat down with Northwestern University President Morty Schapiro for an interview.  Why he agreed to let us do this, we may never know, but we sure are happy he did.

“I’m allergic to cats.”

Packingham: If you could make a drink called “The Morty,” what would it entail?

Morty: Oh man. Like an alcoholic drink?

Twattingworth: Wow, interesting that your mind went there.

Morty: Yeah… Well, you know when I drink, like last night–this is really exciting–but one-third orange juice, two-thirds Perrier.

Packingham: Perrier? Is that vodka? Or rum?

Morty: And they have to give me this much wine so I can hold it to pretend I’ll drink it, but I’m not a wine drinker. I like beer when I have Asian food. I like Thai beer, or Japanese beer or something.

Packingham: Like a Budweiser?

Morty: I don’t think I’ve ever had one of those. So I’m not big on like American

NU Suffers Through Three-Day Bowl Victory Drought

Fitz called the bowl win drought “heinous.”

The Northwestern Wildcats, following their 34-20 win over the Mississippi State Bulldogs on New Year’s Day, are enduring a historic three-day bowl win drought.

“It’s something we’re going to have to work on, go ‘Cats,” NU coach Pat Fitzgerald said. “Obviously it’s tough when you go 72 hours without winning a bowl game and we know our fans are disappointed, go ‘Cats. But we’ll keep working and trying to get that monkey off our back, go ‘Cats.”

NU went 64 years between the school’s two bowl wins, meaning that the three-day drought is the second longest in school history. Athletic Director Jim Phillips said he understands the frustration he’s heard from fans since the ‘Cats leg-humped Mississippi State for three hours on national television, but urged Wildcat fans to be patient.

Sherman Ave Bowl Game Predictions

With the college football season coming to a close, we here at Sherman Ave wanted to provide our in-depth analysis on the final week of sports in the academic year when Northwestern will be relevant – Bowl Week.

Capital One Bowl

Nebraska vs. Georgia, Jan. 1

Remember that time when the Big Ten lobbied against Northwestern being in the Capital One Bowl in favor of a Nebraska team that #GotFucked and lost to a 7-5 Wisconsin team that lost by 49 points? So do we. However, Sherman Ave is an impartial source of fair, intelligent journalism, which is why we’re projecting that NEBRASKA IS GOING TO GET FUCKING RAILED! Nebraska is going to get fucked so hard that they’re going to be walking with a limp until the start of next season. This is a corn-shucking, pig-fucking (Really, they have sex with pigs) bunch of nobodies  playing against a Georgia team that came within five yards of playing in the Championship Game. Nebraska’s marquee victory this year was against a weakened Michigan team that didn’t have Denard Robinson. Georgia’s best victory? Florida. Yeah. Think about that.