Freshman Realizes Deep Hatred of Roommate

Pictured: The freshman on move-in day, in happier times.

Evanston, Il.- Upon listening to his roommate loudly Skype with his best friend at Cornell for two hours while he was trying to study, Weinberg Freshman Mark Ellis discovered that he actually never liked his roommate.

“He is just a real piece of trash,” Ellis said after coming to terms with his realization. Ellis’s discovery comes after nearly seven months of attempting to be his roommate’s, Medill Freshman Brandon Ruiz’s, best friend.

“All he does is eat Wings Over while playing

Sherman Ave’s Prospie Guide

Hey there, Prospie!

Yes, you with the purple folder! Now that you’ve been waitlisted from Stanford admitted to Northwestern and probably some other places not worth mentioning, you sure have a tough choice ahead of you. Boy, this is probably the hardest decision you’ve had to make since choosing which AP classes to take! Haha aren’t we so relatable to the high school demographic? Anyways, now that we’ve won you over with our topical humor and you’re done being assaulted by every student group on campus at the activities fair—which Sherman Ave would never do to you because the university (justifiably) refuses to recognize us as an official student group so we aren’t allowed to have a booth we are considerate—you’re probably overwhelmed and looking for some guidance. Are all the schools you’re choosing between blending together? Don’t you wish someone would be honest with you about what life is really like at Northwestern? Buck up, lil prospie, that’s what big bro Sherman Ave is here for. We’ll be honest with you to the point where you

We Will. The Campaign for Northwestern Parody

We Will. The Campaign for Northwestern is an invitation to join together to realize a bold vision for Northwestern.

Maybe someday we’ll get around to offering health services on the weekend, lowering tuition, striving for diversity, providing better mental health resources and ensuring students have safe transportation throughout Evanston.

Maybe someday.

But hey, did you hear about the new athletic complex we’re building??

–Pip Sleazy, Scurvy Jacobson and Lady Keystone

A Frank Look at Sexual Assault on a College Campus

I never thought it would be hard to say no. In my head, I imagined a stranger approaching me at a party; he would ask if I wanted to have sex with him, and if I didn’t, I’d decline, and that would be that. But in my experience, that’s not how it usually goes. I never thought that in my experience it wouldn’t be a stranger, but a friend or a boyfriend. I never thought that after I said no once, or even twice, they would keep asking. I didn’t take into account how my usual resolve might be weakened by alcohol, or the pressure of being alone with him. And I never thought that my answer and what I wanted would be so thoroughly disregarded.

Sherman Ave presents: Block 9 Interviews

–Pip Sleazy, Scurvy Jacobson and Lady Keystone

Winter Quarter at Northwestern is Amazing and I Don’t Care Who Knows It

(via northwestern.edu)

Listen up, Wildcats. Betches love to complain about winter in Evanston. It’s soooo cold. Rush is soooo boring. I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day. Nobody will ever love me. I’m going to die alone surrounded by my cats and McKinsey and Company employee of the month awards. The passage near Kellogg is like totally a wind tunnel. I should have gone to Madison, it’s totally not this cold up there. My Wings Over order is taking sooooo long to get here. Where is my Honey BBQ? Where is the Frosbite Express??!??!?

I’m gonna stop you right there. Winter quarter is amazing, you just don’t know it yet. Here’s a rundown of all the reasons why January through March are a wonderful time to be a Wildcat:

7 Observations From Being Home For Break From Northwestern

Bonus observation: The lakefill looks like a man pooping on the library.

Nothing brings clarity to a Northwestern student quite like being home for the holidays with a refrigerator full of your parents finest beer. Here are the observations of one Wildcat on life on the outside.

1. Nobody will compliment you on how good you look ever again*

Maybe you’re like me and were in peak physical condition sophomore year of high school. Maybe you’re also like me and your body stopped changing for the better by the time Wildcat Welcome Week rolled around. Or maybe you’re like me and just not that good looking to begin with. Either way, you can kiss those “oh my god you look so great!”s and “wow, bro, you lift?”s and “hey, so the thing is, I never would have broken up with you outside of Six Flags Great America’s Raging Bull if you looked like that”s goodbye. Your physique has started what promises to be a decades-long decline, and all that you have to look forward to is people poking your love handles and observing how fat you’re getting. But hey, making donuts with your belly is pretty fun, right?

An Open Letter to the Northwestern Class of 2018

AHHHHHHYEAAAAAAYYYYY YOU’RE GOING TO NERDWESTERN NORTHWESTERN NORTHWASTED !!!!!

Congratulations. Sincerely. You took 7 or 8 AP exams and scored somewhere 33+ on your ACT* You wrestled away your school’s student presidency from that fucking bitch Katie Taylor and you sacrificed a healthy sleep schedule for that batch of A pluses.

And now,

It’s all paid off.

Considering our Options for the ASG 10k Initiative

Our suggestion from last year, which has yet to be passed by President Ani “The Punisher” Ajith.

What would you do with 10,000 dollars? Associated Student Government, as you may know, asks the entire student body this question every year. ASG then applies this sum toward the best answer. I spoke with several members of the Northwestern community regarding their opinion on the matter.

Cameron Jibril Thomas, Ph. D., Psychologist, CAPS: In light of Northwestern’s mental health epidemic, CAPS has responded with different services – clinical services, workshops, etc. – but there is a more effective and far-reaching option. $10,000 could buy 10 pounds of weed and go a long way to improving mental health on campus.

A Plea: Don’t Give Up On Our Wildcats

When I think of this football season, I think of the proverbial Sweet 16th birthday in which nothing went according to plan. The one where you invited all the right people, planned all the right activities — maybe even picked up a six-pack of O’Douls — and yet, despite your best laid plans, the shit still somehow hit the fan. In fact, the fan-shit encounter wasn’t even benign enough that we could clean it up with Windex and some elbow grease. We’re talking a full-blown, weird-kid-in-kindergarten level of shit splatter, as if Quentin Tarantino were invited to direct the sequel to 2 Girls 1 Cup (presumably titled 3 Girls, 1 cups).