Administration To NUCuisine Workers: “Don’t Get Any Ideas”

EVANSTON, Ill.– Following the news that players on the Northwestern football team have filed a petition to unionize, the school’s administration told cafeteria workers Tuesday “not to pay any attention to that stuff” and to “get back to work.”

Calling All Fans: A Pep Talk For The NU Football Season

When you step foot on campus this fall, remember that you are here for only one reason. You’re not here to pass Orgo (not gonna happen regardless), you’re not here to rage at The Keg (I’m sorry, that was WAY too soon), and you reallyyyy aren’t here to earn any sort of degree (look, I’m on a six-year plan, k?).

The reason you’re at NU is to

Samwise Donkenstein’s Preseason Top 5 Feelings About This Year

The 6th Feeling is Swag

It is my own misfortune, and indeed the misfortune of many reading this article, to have (mostly) unwittingly chosen a life of suffering and self-torture. I can’t ask for sympathy, I did this to myself, and I can’t ask most humans to understand my situation; how could you, being either outside the realm of fandom or lucky enough to root for a team by some other name?

I am an invested, devoted, fervent fan of the Northwestern Wildcats, and only a select few people to have ever walked this Earth truly know what that is like.

Phil Jackson Announces Intent Not To Coach Northwestern

“Do not want.” – Phil Jackson

EVANSTON- Phil Jackson issued a statement Thursday night saying “in the strongest possible terms” that the legendary former Chicago Bulls and Los Angeles Lakers coach has “absolutely no interest” in becoming Northwestern’s next men’s basketball coach.

The move comes amid speculation that current head coach Bill Carmody will be fired following a 13-19 season.

“To all those who have called, tweeted, written, shouted, pounded on my door in the middle of the night, sent notes on rocks through my window, or burned ‘#B1GCATS’ into my lawn to encourage me to coach Northwestern, I just want to say this: Eat all of the shit you can find. Then die,” the Zen Master said in the statement.

Is Mississippi State To Blame For The Titanic Sinking?

Last week, we published our first investigation into what role NU Football’s bowl opponent Mississippi State played in a historical tragedy: The Kennedy Assassination. This week we continue our investigation, this time looking into how MSU may be responsible for the sinking of the Titanic.

January 1st, we avenge Jack Dawson.

The Tragedy: On April 15, 1912, more than 1,500 people died as the RMS Titanic struck an iceberg on its maiden voyage and sunk in the North Atlantic. Much like Mississippi State’s season, the Titanic had been built up in the press and praised widely before running into real competition, which quickly sank it and destroyed its dreams of being remembered as anything but an unmitigated disaster.

An Open Letter To The Capital One Bowl

Dear Capital One Bowl,

Well hey there. We’re Northwestern. Never heard of us before? That’s okay, we’re pretty new to the “relevant” part of college football town.

We heard you were thinking about asking us to come to your bowl game. As a school that doesn’t ever get invited to The Dance, that really meant a lot to us. We know you have a lot on your mind, but we thought we might just stop by with a few things to think about when you’re making your decision.