Administration To NUCuisine Workers: “Don’t Get Any Ideas”

EVANSTON, Ill.– Following the news that players on the Northwestern football team have filed a petition to unionize, the school’s administration told cafeteria workers Tuesday “not to pay any attention to that stuff” and to “get back to work.”

An Open Letter To The Little Caesar’s Pizza Bowl

Last year, we successfully lobbied the Capital One Bowl to choose Northwestern, leading to NU’s historic defeat of Georgia that launched the current 10-0 season the ‘Cats are enjoying. This year, we’re at it again with an open letter to the powers that be at the Little Caesar’s Pizza Bowl.

Dear Little Caesar’s Pizza Bowl,

Alright you fuckers, listen up. We don’t want you and you don’t want us. That’s just how it is, and we get that. But there’s no getting around the fact that we both need each other, so the sooner we learn to get along, the better.

Calling All Fans: A Pep Talk For The NU Football Season

When you step foot on campus this fall, remember that you are here for only one reason. You’re not here to pass Orgo (not gonna happen regardless), you’re not here to rage at The Keg (I’m sorry, that was WAY too soon), and you reallyyyy aren’t here to earn any sort of degree (look, I’m on a six-year plan, k?).

The reason you’re at NU is to

NU Suffers Through Three-Day Bowl Victory Drought

Fitz called the bowl win drought “heinous.”

The Northwestern Wildcats, following their 34-20 win over the Mississippi State Bulldogs on New Year’s Day, are enduring a historic three-day bowl win drought.

“It’s something we’re going to have to work on, go ‘Cats,” NU coach Pat Fitzgerald said. “Obviously it’s tough when you go 72 hours without winning a bowl game and we know our fans are disappointed, go ‘Cats. But we’ll keep working and trying to get that monkey off our back, go ‘Cats.”

NU went 64 years between the school’s two bowl wins, meaning that the three-day drought is the second longest in school history. Athletic Director Jim Phillips said he understands the frustration he’s heard from fans since the ‘Cats leg-humped Mississippi State for three hours on national television, but urged Wildcat fans to be patient.