Sherman Ave presents: Block 9 Interviews

–Pip Sleazy, Scurvy Jacobson and Lady Keystone

Zero Dark Thirty: A Guide Because You’ve Literally Raised Zero Dollars for DM

You definitely didn’t mean for this to make it to this point. But this is what you get for pretending to be a good person and signing up for Dance Marathon. You “just got really swamped over the past couple of months,” and here you are, staring helplessly at your own, sad fundraising page that no one has visited. But fear not! DM is just like any massive paper you can tackle the night before (I actually have no idea, this is the first time I’ve done this. This is just how I envision my next few days going. Ha!). Here are the steps to follow:

The first and only dollar raised after six fucking hours of canning. (via http://zonathon.wordpress.com/wildcats/fundraising/)

1) Swallow your pride and post a link to your fundraising page on your Facebook–I know, I know, it’s desperate. But you have to start somewhere. Most people did this in October. Posting it on your Facebook will

Four Northwestern-Themed Sharknado Sequels That Need To Be Made

Last week, Internet informed me of a great documentary called “Sharknado” about what happens when sharks have sex with tornadoes. Now I think it’s time that we brought the matter a little closer to home and started developing a few Northwestern-themed Sharknado sequels. So yes,

DM Announces Team Jacob As 2014 Beneficiary

DM officials declined to comment on whether the fact that EVERYONE JUST GOT PREGNANT FROM THIS would impact the event.

EVANSTON– Northwestern University Dance Marathon announced Thursday that Team Jacob, an organization dedicated to finding a cure for Robert Pattinson’s charming good looks, would be the the event’s primary beneficiary in 2014.

“We’ve come so far in the fight for Jacob,” DM representative Autumn Franklins said. “And we think this is a cause that the entire Northwestern and werewolf communities can really rally around.” 

Report: Nap Marathon to counter Dance Marathon

“Nap City” by Tyga will reportedly be the theme song of this year’s NM.

EVANSTON—Students in Northwestern’s Bobb-McCulloch Residence Hall have formulated plans to engage in a 30-hour Nap Marathon while the rest of the student body toils away at Dance Marathon, according to sources with knowledge of the situation.

The plan for Nap Marathon reportedly was devised Friday morning when all of Bobb woke up in a condition described as “hungover as fuck.”

“We were awakened by some chick on Dancer Relations running through the hall yelling how excited she was,” said a Weinberg sophomore who was granted anonymity to speak candidly about NM’s motivations. “That’s when we realized that we liked sleeping more than helping children with epilepsy.”