Sherman Ave presents: Block 9 Interviews

–Pip Sleazy, Scurvy Jacobson and Lady Keystone

White Privilege Under Attack, Panic Sets In

A disillusioned Carmichael-Livingston, coming to grips with his crumbling hegemony.

UNITED STATES- As fewer white men hold positions of power and more statistics point to the increased role of minorities in the future of America, the long-standing foundation of white privilege appears to be in jeopardy.

These sudden realizations are terrifying white people across the country. Preston Carmichael-Livingston from Bethesda, Maryland is one of the many struggling to come to grips with the rapid descent of the entitlement of white people. “I just didn’t see this coming,” said Carmichael-Livingston. “I thought that we would get to decide when it all came to an end. We used to decide on everything: when racism was over, what women got to do with their bodies. Now? We’re left with nothing.”

We Photoshopped Morty Into Famous Things So You Don’t Have To

Congress Harder on IDs After Shutdown Scare

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Sources have reported that the United States Congress is “way harder to get into” than it was before the shutdown, which commenced on September 30th.

In a press conference this morning, President Obama hinted that he encouraged Congress to take necessary measures to ensure that a shutdown would not occur again.

“There’s no way around the fact that the government shut down due to the presence of certain people in Congress,” said Obama. “We need to make sure those people aren’t allowed in ever again.”

The new ID policy is so strict that even

Obama Renaming NFL Teams After Care Bears

WASHINGTON DC–According to an official White House release yesterday, President Barack Obama will be using his powers as head of the Executive Branch to perform an unprecedented overhaul of NFL nomenclature, renaming teams after characters in the cartoon series “Care Bears.”

“This entire country is goddamn sick of having to deal with Native Americans

Sherman Ave Interviews: Renee Engeln-Maddox (Part 2 of 2)

Earlier this summer, Sherman Ave editors Ross Packingham and Sir Edward Twattingworth III interviewed Psychology professor and Allison Hall live-in Renee Engeln-Maddox at Sherman Ave Headquarters.  If any cultural references seem slightly out of date, it’s because that’s what happens when we decide to wait to publish interviews for three months due to reasons.

Read Part 1 here.

The professor who will forever be remembered as “the one who couldn’t remember twerk or flabongo.”

———————————————————————————–

Packingham: When someone asks you what courses you teach, do you ever just go, “Intro to SIIIIIIKE!” and punch them in the genitals?

[silence]

Renee: If I’d thought of it…

Twattingworth: Follow-up, will you start doing that now?

Renee: Do I have to punch them? Cause that could hurt my back. What about like a kick? Or a knee? And I’d have to do the “SIIIIIIKE!” better than that. You need to get the “IIIIIIIII” a little higher.

Sparks Fly at Obama-Romney Post-Election Get-Together: A Running Diary

This past Thursday, November 29, the two former presidential candidates enjoyed a private lunch at the White House. While the doors were closed to all press, Sherman-Ave’s junior political correspondent Richard Wang was able to get all the details.

I’m going to take a pillowcase and fill it full of bars of soap and beat the shit out of you!

10:45 am: The president and wife Michelle await their company at the White House. President Obama informs Michelle that he doesn’t want Mitt to come over because he is weird, smells bad, and doesn’t like basketball. Michelle states that she does not know what has gotten into Barack today. He will have fun, and he will tolerate Mitt for one day. Furthermore, Michelle declares that she does not want to hear another word about it, Mister.

Petraeus’s replacement: Anyone who uses Snapchat

In the wake of David Petraeus’s sexy resignation from the head of the CIA, President Barack Obama has been left looking for potential replacements. The speculation has been rampant, with pundits all over the Chevy Chase area chiming in about whom they would prefer secretly listens to their phone calls without a warrant in the coming years.

You could cut the sexual tension in here with a drilldo.

No Shave November: A Beginner’s Guide to the Weeks Ahead

That’s why his beard’s so big: It’s full of secrets!

My fellow countrymen, we find ourselves one week into an historic month.  The leaves are changing colors.  Birds are flying south for the winter.  Daylight Savings Time has happened, making it that much harder to stay up for Barry “Fuck You” Obama’s acceptance speech.

But let us not forget the true significance of this 11^th month of 2012.  The chance, once again, to participate in No Shave November.

For the unfamiliar, No Shave November may sound like a feminist pin-up girl’s name.  Rather, it is a masculine tradition, the rules of which are contained in the name itself.  Don’t shave your grill for a month, enter into a sacred brotherhood.  Simple, yet profound.

For those who have never dabbled in the Facial Arts before, but like me, have begun the journey this month, I offer up a forecast of the weeks to come:

Days 1-7: We’re past these.  The first four days were probably kinda normal, unless you’re some sort of lumberjack-showoff like my roommate, who can grow a beard in less time than it takes a second-semester senior to shotgun a PBR.  I don’t really think these motherfuckers should even be allowed to participate in Manvember.  I mean, what are they even tryna prove?  But I digress.

For normally-equipped gentlemen, this week serves as an easy transition into the burlier stages ahead.  Peach fuzz turns to peach scuzz, and the plot thickens.

Days 8-14: The pace has begun to pick up.  You will survive the terrible “child molester/vagabond-whispy-upper-lip-stache” phase and move into the “It’s-possible-that-man-may-be-a-convict-but-I-just-can’t-look-away” phase.

The winds of fortune are swift, my friends.  And with their change comes much attention from the honeys.  Depending on the distribution of your beard-strings, you might want to consider some Neck Beard Trimming.  Some people consider this against the rules.  If that’s how you feel, A) go cry about it, B) maybe buy some turtlenecks or something.

Days 15-21: By this point, you’ve probably got a full-on beard (if you don’t, my bad, bro).  Have you begun to style it? Gel or moustache wax, perhaps?  Maybe you finally got that promotion you’ve been waiting on.  If you’ve never rocked the beard before, this could be a whole new world.  Just don’t let the glamour and glitz pull you in.  Remember: at the end of the month, you’re going to have to make a choice.  Back to Shaving Business As Usual, or continue on down the Road of Awesomeness and Chin Stroking?

Days 22-28: You may notice during this time that you gravitate towards more flannel.  Your diet shifts to consisting mostly of flapjacks, hotcakes, or griddlecakes, or some combination of the three.  You’ve taken to catching yourself in the mirror, just to look yourself in the eye and say, “Damn, that’s one mean mug you’re rocking, pard’ner.”  You have given up on contemporary music, preferring instead to listen to a shitty 3-song mix you made of ZZ Top songs (“Sharp Dressed Man,” “Cheap Sunglasses,” “La Grange” I think is the third one).  The beard has transcended being merely a facial adornment and settled as the key identifier of your personality.

If you grow it, the biddies will come.

Days 29 & 30: Did you remember to take a before picture?  ‘Cause you can take a sweet after picture and be a Facebook hero for a day.  All your friends will see the true gentleman you have Digivolved into.  An upstanding citizen, resplendent, brawny, and smelling strongly of cedar and tanning oil.

Speaking of FB, you have started a group called “I Ain’t Lose My Phone But I Got So Many Lady’s Numbers I Need To Start Giving Them Away.”  You are the only member.

Your responses are exclusively monosyllabic and often nothing more than grunts.

Former acquaintances who might’ve once viewed you as scrawny now pass your name along to their friends who need help moving.  “I’m pretty sure he can bench like, 130,” they’ve been heard saying.

You finish every tweet with “#sosayeththebeard.”

What happens on December 1 is up to you.  If you’re like me, you’ll keep the Gravy Train running as long as possible and then maybe settle down someday with a nice mustache.  Or maybe The Beard has become too much for you and you’ll take a razor to it right away.  The choice is yours.  Choose wisely, my dear readers, and may the Good Fortunes of Our Patron Saint Ron Swanson shine upon thee.

-Zephaniah Brownstein

A Guide to the Top Celebrities Endorsements for Mitt Romney

If you’re anything like me, you simply have to wait for celebrity validation before going ahead with major life decisions, which is why I own nine George Foreman grills and six bottles of Spirit: Antonio Banderas cologne.  Thus, come election season, I stand proudly with those beautiful, mythical dipshits that are the undecided voters until I receive word from my favorite stars on who should be the leader of this great land.  As Gretchen Wieners and Cady Heron once discussed:

Gretchen: I mean, you wouldn’t buy a skirt without asking your friends first if it looked good on you.

Cady: I wouldn’t?

Gretchen: Right. Oh, and it’s the same with presidents.  Like, you may think you like someone, but YOU COULD BE WRONG.

As we are all bound by, like, the rules of feminism to Gretchen’s code, I saved you the trouble of researching celeb endorsements to help you make an informed decision.  The results were shocking.  I may have thought that I liked Obama, but based on this list, I WAS WRONG.  Without further adieu, your guide to the top celebrity endorsements that are guaranteed to make Willard Mitt Romney the next President:

Is it because Mitt has class and you don’t?

Lindsay Lohan

My gurl LiLo, Cady Heron herself, apparently took Gretchen’s rules to heart when she announced last month that she would be supporting Romney, stating “I think unemployment is very important for now.”  Ugh, if only that kooky communist Obama wasn’t in the White House these past four years, Lindz wouldn’t be so unemployed all of the time!!  Wait, what’s that?  She’s been to rehab five times and may or may not be a klepto or a crackhead (say crack again CRACK)?  Nope, that can’t be it.  THNX 4 DENYING US MORE LINDSAY, OBAMACARE!

Chuck Norris

The king of direct-to-video action movies and subject of a million jokes that weren’t even funny in middle school when literally no one is actually funny, Chuck Norris, is a staunch conservative who released this video in support of Mitt, warning that a second term of Obama would usher in “1,000 years of darkness.”  I hadn’t considered just how serious the old “Once you go black…” rule was until Chuck put it this way, but now that I’m aware, there’s no going back.  Scary stuff indeed. Romney 2012!

Did anybody tell Meat Loaf that his career is over?

Meat Loaf

From the time that I first LOLed at his name in preschool (but it’s a FOOD!!), I have been a big fan of Mr. Loaf’s work.  Hence, I was overwhelmed with emotion at the sight of Meat and Mitt sharing a stage in Ohio and belting “America the Beautiful” like they were the writers at the Ave plus Morty and it was TSwift.  I was even more swayed by the Loaf’s endorsement speech: “The other night when President Barack Obama, God bless him, said to Mitt Romney, ‘The Cold War is over.’  I have never heard such a thing in my life.”  Meat is ON TARGET here, I mean when will the liberal media stop covering for Obama and shed some light on the past 21 years of the Cold War that we haven’t been paying attention to?? WHERE IS THE OUTRAGE??

Kid Rock

Like many Americans, I wondered how Kid could ever outdo himself after making a sex tape with four groupies and Scott Stapp from Creed (but actually this happened look it up. The story not the video. Well whatever you want actually no judgment from the Ave). Luckily, Mr. Rock (Kid, not Chris) was able to replace Stapp with another guy who scores off the charts with the nation’s white douchebags, Paul Ryan, and the result was this amazing, amazing piece of memorabilia (hint hint I’m open to early Christmas presents).

Jenna Jameson

Many Republicans have tried and failed to develop a cohesive message that will appeal to the American people, but porn icon Jenna Jameson nailed it (UP-TOP!) in her August endorsement of Romney, declaring, “When you’re rich, you want a Republican in office.”  There are any number of sexual puns that could be made here, but I feel that “Jenna Jameson endorses Romney” pretty much speaks for itself.  Also, who knew that Jenna Jameson had some Republican in her, amirite?  Ok done now.

As you can see, we have some real heavyweights behind the Romney-Ryan ticket this year.  When you combine the sheer wattage of star power that I have listed above with other such prestigious Romney endorsers as Hulk Hogan, Gene Simmons, Ted Nugent, Clint Eastwood and his Chair, The Naked Cowboy from Times Square, Dionne from Clueless, and Chachi from Happy Days and Joanie Loves Chachi, the choice is clear, America.  When you all step into that voting booth, keep these endorsements in mind.  They represent all that we can achieve in Mitt Romney’s America.  And give credit to Mitt for assembling the jankiest, most mesmerizing, and most heinous batch of trainwrecks that any one man has ever attracted.  He has certainly proven himself worthy of their support.  Now go forth and vote, America.  You do NOT want to let any of these stars down.  Especially Lindsay, she is in a very fragile place in her life.  Seriously someone help her.

-Charleston Nippleberry