If Every NFL Quarterback Were a Star Wars Character

Epic duels, shootings in nightclubs, billions of dollars in production values, and the omnipresence of a sinister overlord who everyone agrees is a total queef sampler. The National Football League and Star Wars are more similar than meets the eye (Fuck off, Transformers). And since Roger Goodell and George Lucas are  both in the running for the title of World’s Biggest Asshat Who Ruins Everything and Cares Not for the Suffering of Concussed People (well, we nominate them if not), it’s hard not to notice other similarities in their respective beloved, addictive, trillion-dollar monstrosities.

Drama comes down to characters, and the NFL and Star Wars have both in spades (even if the drama of Star Wars mostly consists of the nebulous wet dreams of a prepubescent boy obsessed with trade negotiations and throbbing, glowing swords). And while both universes feature thousands upon thousands of characters, we viewers really only give a shit about a few of them. So, to keep things simple, we’ve taken a look just at current NFL quarterbacks to see who their Star Wars counterparts are. The results represent a disturbance in the Force, which is to say that Brady is dropping a Dooku right now and Peyton is playing like a young Jedi Master despite his frail old body and green skin. Enjoy.

Flo Rida and Pitbull’s “Can’t Believe It,” As Narrated by Obi-Wan Kenobi

It was bound to happen. After years of systematically working their way into every song that could possibly be on the radio and simultaneously amassing both millions of haters and many more millions of dollars, rappers/human equivalents of lighting a cigar with a $100-dollar bill Flo Rida and Pitbull have finally teamed up with “Can’t Believe It,” a modern ripoff, err, ode, to Sir Mix-A-Lot’s iconic “Baby Got Back.”