28 Thoughts That Go Through Everyone’s Head While Waiting for a Delayed Flight

“HEY GUYS WHO WANTS A SLICE OF THIS DICK PIE” – Chicago O’Hare International Aiport

1. “Maybe this delay won’t be so bad. Maybe it’s a chance to kick back and relax for a while.”

2. “Are those payphones over there? Who the hell still uses those?”

3. “Anyone who wears a Hollister shirt and Hollister sweatpants at the same time should stop existing immediately.”

4. “Wait, is that my flight that’s boarding?”

5. “HAHAHA NOPE MY FLIGHT DOESN’T BOARD FOR 3 MORE HOURS.”

ASG Int’l Blitzkrieg Campaign Remains Unappeased

Because haircuts should mirror bird plummage

Strutting through an Italian plaza (if you don’t strut they won’t know you’re American) the other day, I was enjoying just another day in the life. Curses from the enfeebled elderly couple I elbowed out of my way, glares from the feathered mohawk Euro-bag regarding my outfit of baggy jeans and a North Face, and the utter contempt of the only people who know English here, the miserably poor Indian men marketing their shitty lighters (luckily they can understand “Today’s just like yesterday, asshole, I ain’t buyin’”). When, lo, to my surprise, I was warmly greeted by a friendly, well-fed, terribly-dressed collegian.

“Hey, I’m out supporting Ani for ASG President, and we’re really interested in how annual term study-abroad students can have their Northwestern Experience brought to the next level!”

Blown away by the touching interest that ASG campaigners take in their student body, I spat on the ground and cursed “No one wants you here, gypsy” in Italian. I was completely flabbergasted and responded in the fashion of my new motherland (in fact the elderly couple from earlier witnessed the whole exchange and sweetly clasping my hand they said “Damn Albanians”).