2013 Bowl Game Predictions

Sherman Ave’s premiere sports authorities (like the store: Sports Authority #ad) Samwise Donkenstein and Manua Hiki-Hiki, have come together to give their predictions for 2013’s biggest bowl games. Plan your crippling gambling addictions accordingly.

Chick-Fil-A Gays Are The Worst Bowl: Duke vs. Texas A&M

Manua Hiki-Hiki: In a turn of events not even the assholes at Duke’s Fuqua (pronounced: Fuck You) School of Business could’ve predicted, Mike Krzyzewski’s some guy’s Duke Blue Devil football team that apparently exists and isn’t just a camp for the basketball team, will be taking on Johnny Football and the Texas A&M Agatha Christies (a.k.a Aggies) in The Chick-Fil-A Intolerance Bowl.

Duke, up until a 45-7 throttling by Florida State in ACC Championship Game, had been on course for one of their best seasons in many years. However, their luck is likely to only get worse in the Honestly I Always Assumed Chick-Fil-A Was Full of Bigots Bowl. With their leading rusher Jela Duncan suspended for “an undisclosed violation of its academic policy,” otherwise known as cheating, Duke will be even further disadvantaged in an already mismatched contest against Texas A&M.

Point/Counterpoint: Will Northwestern make the Rose Bowl?

(via chicagosidesports.com)

POINT

by Evander Jones

As much as it pains me to say it, I don’t think that the good old Cardiac ‘Cats have a Nebraskan hail mary’s chance of making The Grandaddady of Them All. Unfortunately, there are more impediments blocking Northwestern from making the Rose Bowl than there are ways for NU to lose a game, but these three sticking points immediately jump out to me as reasons Northwestern doesn’t have a chance to make this New Year’s Tournament of Roses:

Who You’re Rooting For In College Football This Weekend

Mizzou vs. Auburn

Before we even start to begin analyzing who we should be rooting for in all these matchups, there’s something that’s been bothering me for the past week, and I need to get it off my chest because I’m really worried about it.

What if, in some psychotic, cruel twist of fate, God is actually an Alabama fan? Hear me out:

Is he into you?

A lot of girls have trouble telling whether or not a guy is into them. Fortunately for you ladies I have devised a thorough list of questions that will determine whether or not he is into you.  So think hard, and no cheating!

Do you periodically make eye contact at unexpected times?

-Think about when you’re eating together or in a group conversation.  Sometimes even a brief glance is a tremendous tell!

Does he go to great lengths to remember small details about you?

The John Evans Curse

Anyone who has followed Northwestern’s football team this year knows that there is an invisible, intangible and entirely irreversible curse working against them. That’s not to say that the team should be 9-0 (there has been some less-than-stellar playing all around), but something is clearly afoot. It simply cannot be denied after losing to Ohio State because of a controversial spot on 4th and 1, losing to Iowa in overtime, losing to Nebraska because of a 50-yard Hail Mary touchdown with 4 seconds left, and now losing to Michigan on a last-second haphazard field goal that couldn’t even happen in Madden 2014.

If Every Big Ten School Were A Parks And Rec Character

University of Illinois as Jean-Ralphio

“Technically I’m homelessss.”

Both are broke, but they still manage to have a good time anyways. Got off on a technicalllllityyy!

Indiana University as

Chin Up, Northwestern: An Open Letter to Bereaved NU Football Fans

Dear Wildcats,

We at Sherman Ave talked a lot about An Ohio State University getting fucked, wrecked, guzzling our Siemian, and all sorts of other fantastic verbage *does Trumpy dickswinging celebration out of habit*. At this point, if you’re not familiar with the events of the OSU-NU game, you can just close this tab, and then find some Siemian to guzzle or something.

In reality, no real fucking or wrecking was had, neither by NU nor OSU. Of course, OSU supporters will be quick to say that, actually, they fucked us. But they’d be fucking wrong.

The Official College Gameday Drinking Game

It’s official, Wildkittens — Gameday is coming to Evanston to nationally air the Northwestern Wildcats beating the An Ohio State University Buckeyes. It’s our job as students to prove that we do, in fact, have people rooting for us to win this game who aren’t just Michigan fans. We MUST have a decent fanbase in purple, not just in “beat fucking An Ohio State” shirts.

This.

This game is finally our chance to prove to the football-watching nation that our school is not, in fact, in Boston. This is our chance to finally differentiate our school from Kim and Kanye’s offspring. No, we are not a Hitchcock movie either. This is our day to get drunk and pretend like we have school spirit year-round. Grab your purple face-paint, cat-ears headbands, fla-bongos of Skol, and get ready for the biggest shitshow of the season. Let’s show the nation what NerdWasted is all about! There will be some saddddd cheerleaders and band members if the fan section isn’t getting rowdy and growling.

Cheerleaders are sad because they don’t get to pregame by doing the alcohol.

So, my fellow HeinousCats, here are the official rules of how to get shitfaced for ESPN’s Gameday in Evanston:

Wake Up.
Turn Up.
Go fucking ‘Cats.

You’re fucking adults, you don’t need a “game” to force you to get hammered FOR GAMEDAY. C’mon. Put that 35 composite ACT score to use with some common-drinking-sense that ESPN needs to see some hot biddies downing shots on the lakefill.

OSU Head Coach Urban Meyer’s Facebook Status This Morning

 

 

 

This is fake plz don’t sue us.

 

A Drunken Analysis of Ohio State Game Tape

As part of #GetFuckedAnOhioStateUniversity week here at Sherman Ave, we sat down with a Friend Of The Ave who has worked for a Division I football team in the past and is a lifelong ‘Cats fan, to go over OSU game tape from their win last week against Wisconsin. Drunkenly, obviously.

13:35 left in the first quarter [Wisconsin forced to punt]: That was a tough three and out for Wisconsin right there. Northwestern can’t start like that, we do much better when we start out well.

12:18: [Braxton Miller throws a rocket for a TD] OH GOD. Oh wow, that is a tough throw. Damn. You’re not supposed to throw across your body like that and he just gets it off like that. I’m scared right now. I’m scared. They pressured him, they made him make a tough throw and he